//

100 Movie Quotes the Potty-Mouthed Hipster Shouldn’t Live Without

Trust us when we say that you’ll enjoy this list. If you don’t, well, then you can take a sugar-frosted fuck off the end of our dicks.

100 Movie Quotes the Potty-Mouthed Hipster Shouldn’t Live Without
Photo: Paramount Pictures

Another year, another shortsighted shit list from the American Film Institute, this time “100 Movie Quotes: America’s Greatest Quips, Comebacks and Catchphrases.” According to the AFI website, each quote was handpicked from a comprehensive list compiled from ballots by “1,500 leaders from the creative community, including film artists (directors, screenwriters, actors, editors, cinematographers), critics and historians,” all of whom have probably seen exactly 100 films in their lifetime, because how else does one explain why the same damn movies keep showing up on these lists over and over and over again? Though you’d have to be in denial to pretend that “Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn” hasn’t been slow-roasting through popular culture for the last 70 years and cattle-branded into our collective pop-cultural consciousness, we still like to think that the number of people who say “Show me the money” and “I feel the need…the need for speed!” in casual conversation is limited to people with mullets and chronic masturbators. Which is why Slant Magazine offers you the following alternative: “100 Movie Quotes the Potty-Mouthed Hipster Shouldn’t Live Without,” which understands that there are less iconic but more amusing lines in Mommie Dearest than “No wire hangers, ever!” and better ways of getting laid then telling your prom date, “I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!” To give you an idea of where we’re coming from: Casablanca has 10 quotes on the AFI ballot and Francis Ford Coppola is the most represented director; on our list, Andy Warhol’s Heat is the top dog and Brian De Palma, Paul Morrissey, Paul Verhoeven and John Waters are the most represented directors. Trust us when we say that you’ll enjoy this list. If you don’t, well, then you can take a sugar-frosted fuck off the end of our dicks. So, without further ado, and in no particular order:

“I gotta go wash my vagina.” (Nicole Ari Parker as Becky Barnett, Boogie Nights)

“It rubs the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again.” (Ted Levine, The Silence of the Lambs)

“I hate you, and I hate your ass face!” (Christopher Guest as Corky St. Clair, Waiting for Guffman)

“I saw something nasty in the woodshed!” (Sheila Burrell as Ada Doom, Cold Comfort Farm)

Advertisement

“The street light makes my pussy hair glow in the dark—cotton candy with a glow.” (Alexandra Paul as Sunny, 8 Million Ways to Die)

“Jew eat?” (Woody Allen as Alvy Singer, Annie Hall)

“Get your dick back in here!” (Demi Moore as Lt. Jordan O’Neil, G.I. Jane)

“Oh Ramon, your penis is so powerful! I’m coming! Okay, thank you. Get off me.” (Mira Sorvino as Romy White, Romy and Michelle’s High School Reunion)

“I think I’ll have a large order of…prognosis negative!” (Bette Davis as Judith Traherne, Dark Victory)

“C’mon Nicholas…you don’t have to lick my ass. Just fuck me!” (Rebecca Romijn-Stamos as Laure Ash, Femme Fatale)

“Dear bitch…See how obsessive I allow myself to be? How would you like to be fucked with a meat cleaver?!” (Michael Biehn as Douglas Breen in The Fan)

“So they call me Concentration Camp Ehrhardt?” (Jack Benny as Joseph Tura as Col. Ehrhardt, To Be or Not to Be)

“I’m wet! And I’m still hysterical! (Gene Wilder as Leo Bloom, The Producers)

“Yeah, get the dynamite. And could you also bring me a regular coffee and a toasted corn muffin?” (Akiko Wakabayashi as Suki Yaki, What’s Up, Tiger Lily?)

“Bitches leave!” (Kurtwood Smith as Clarence Boddicker, RoboCop)

“Jesus! Where did she get the shoes? ‘Whores for less?’(Denise Richards as Kelly Lanier Van Ryan, Wild Things)

“How would you like to suck my balls, Mr. Garrison?” (Cartman, South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut)

“For me, it’s like I’ve just given birth to my own baby girl, except she’s like a big giant girl who smokes and says ‘shit’ a lot, you know?” (Lisa Kudrow as Michelle Weinberger, Romy and Michelle’s High School Reunion)

“There is something wrong with your vagina!” (Tracey Ullman as Sylvia Stickles, A Dirty Shame)

“My wife has an ass in her cock in the driveway, all right? I’m sorry if my thoughts are not on the photography of the film we’re shooting tomorrow.” (William H. Macy as Little Bill, Boogie Nights)

Advertisement

“Every time I sneeze, it’s like I’m four sneezes away from the hospice. And it’s like it’s not even happening to me, it’s like I’m watching it on some crappy show like Melrose Place or some shit, right? And I’m the new character, I’m the HIV/AIDS character and I live in the building and I teach everybody that ‘It’s okay to be near me, it’s okay to talk to me.’ And then I die. And there’s everybody at my funeral wearing halter-tops or chokers or some shit like that.” (Janeane Garofalo as Vickie Miner, Reality Bites)

“What are you looking at? Wipe that face off your head, bitch.” (Parker Posey as Darla Marks, Dazed and Confused)

“We ask ourselves, is she black? Is she white? We don’t care. She’s exotic. I want to see more of her breasts.” (James Allodi as Video Director, Glitter)

Advertisement

“The swan ate my baby! The swan ate my baby!” (Kirstie Alley as Gladys Leeman, Drop Dead Gorgeous)

“How about you take a sugar-frosted fuck off the end of my dick?” (Ryan Reynolds as Hannibal King, Blade: Trinity)

“This is worse than the time when I fell asleep and you put your dick in my mouth and took a picture.” (Terrence, South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut)

“Shut up before I cut your face and nobody’s gonna want to fuck your ugly cunt!” (Paula E. Sheppard as Adrian, Liquid Sky)

“Your mother sucks cocks in hell, Karras!” (Linda Blair as Regan Teresa MacNeil, The Exorcist)

“Your mother’s cunt stinks like carpet cleaner.” (Mickey Rourke as Henry Chinaski, Barfly)

“I’m so hungry I could eat the ass end out of a dead rhino.” (Gary Busey as Angelo Pappas, Point Break)

Advertisement

“Shut that cunt’s mouth or I’ll come over there and fuckstart her head.” (Ryan Phillippe as Parker, The Way of the Gun)

“You’re a real blue flame special, aren’t you, son? Young, dumb and full of cum.” (John C. McGinley as Ben Harp, Point Break)

“I’m sorry, Wendy, but I don’t trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn’t die.” (Mr. Garrison, South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut)

“After the blood come the boys like sniffing dogs, grinning and slobbering and trying to find out where that smell comes from. That SMELL!” (Piper Laurie as Margaret White, Carrie)

“You can turn your back on a person, but never turn your back on a drug. Especially when it’s waving a razor-sharp hunting knife in your eye.” (Johnny Depp as Raoul Duke, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas)

Advertisement

“She doesn’t love me. She doesn’t give a damn about me, you kidding? She’s a damned tall girl. Cheap chorus girl. Whore all over town. She got into L.A., she said, ‘Kachka la boobala, get me a cup of coffee.’(Andrea Feldman as Jessica Todd, Heat)

“No. Duh is a product of fear.” (Beth Grant as Kitty Farmer, Donnie Darko)

“Hey! Don’t throw that kid in the pool!” (Pat Ast as Lydia, Heat)

“I think Eskimos are smug.” (John Turturro as Chuck, Anger Management)

“I beat the shit out of some kids today, but it was for a purpose.” (Billy Bob Thornton as Willy, Bad Santa)

“Dog will hunt. Get that bitch, Leatherface. Get that bitch. Dog will hunt!” (Bill Moseley as Chop Top, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2)

Advertisement

“I can smell your cunt.” (Stuart Rudin as Miggs, The Silence of the Lambs)

“Don’t bother with the head, the V of my crotch is what needs the attention!” (Edith Massey, Desperate Living)

“Oh, fuck my cock.” (David Hyde Pierce as Henry, Wet Hot American Summer)

“If I had a nickel for every cigarette your mom smoked, I’d be dead.” (Moira Kelly as Donna Hayward, Twin Peaks: Fire Walk with Me)

“I’m going to have an abortion and I can’t wait!” (Mary Garlington as Lu-Lu Fishpaw, Polyester)

“Plug it up! Plug it up!” (High School Bitches, Carrie)

“Same old Henry. Afraid of your own shadow. You know what, Henry? You’re a regular barnyard exhibit. Sheep’s eyes, chicken guts, piggy friends…and shit for brains! No good at departmental politics, no good at making money, no good at making an impression on anybody…and no good at all in bed! When was the last time you got it up, Henry? Huh? When was the last time you were a man in our bed? Now get out of my way, Henry, or I swear to God you’ll be wearing your balls for earrings!” (Adrienne Barbeau as Wilma, Creepshow)

“Let ol’ Trixie sit up front with her big tits.” (Madeline Kahn as Trixie Delight, Paper Moon)

“Fags in the showers! Fags in the showers!” (Panicking Jocks, Once Bitten)

“It must be weird not having anybody cum on you.” (Robert Davi as Al Torres, Showgirls)

“Damn lot of corn raised in Hollywood these days too.” (Ann Miller as Coco, Mulholland Drive)

Advertisement

“Good evening. Welcome to China Blue Airlines, Flight 69, nonstop service to paradise. We’ll be taking off shortly. I’ll be unbuckling your belt and seeing that big bird rise and rise, finally settling into the comfort only this wide body can provide. We’re here to serve you. Please remember that, although we may run out of Pan Am coffee, we’ll never run out of T-W-A-T.” (Kathleen Turner as China Blue, Crimes of Passion)

“Where are my tits? Where are my tits?” (Rex Reed as Myron, Myra Breckinridge)

“What’s a fuckass?” (Daveigh Chase as Samantha Darko, Donnie Darko)

“I’m sure that we can handle this situation maturely, just like the responsible adults that we are. Isn’t that right, Mister…Poopy Pants?” (Leslie Nielson as Lt. Frank Drebin, The Naked Gun 2 1/2: The Smell of Fear)

Advertisement

“I don’t want no white man looking at my Tampax!” (Jean Hill, Desperate Living)

“I’m erect. Why aren’t you erect?” (Alan Rachins as Tony Moss, Showgirls)

“I like head cheese! It’s good!” (Paul A. Partain as Franklin Hardesty, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre)

“Number 1, I don’t remember how often I used to jerk off, but it was a lot. Number 2, I wasn’t pissed off at my dad, even when I was old enough to know what he and mom were doing in the bedroom. Number 3, I don’t look in the toilet before I flush it. Number 4, I haven’t wet my bed for a long time. Number 5, why don’t the two of you go fuck yourselves? I’m outta here.” (Michael Douglas as Nick Curran, Basic Instinct)

Advertisement

“Don’t get confused Tony. I don’t fuck with the help.” (Michelle Pfeiffer as Elvira, Scarface)

“Look, you are not a lesbian. He’s not a lesbian. You went and called up my friend Peggy and told her I was a lesbian. Well, I got news for you: I wish I was a lesbian. Because if I were a lesbian, I wouldn’t be having this problem with you. I wouldn’t have had you in the first place.” (Sylvia Miles as Sally Todd, Heat)

“You’re a groovy boy. I’d like to strap you on some time.” (Edy Williams as Ashley St. Ives, Beyond the Valley of the Dolls)

“I’ll buy that for a dollar.” (Various People, RoboCop)

Advertisement

“I remember your eyes—like pissholes in the snow.” (Michael Caine as Cliff Brumby, Get Carter)

“Something bit me real bad.” (Diane Nelson as Fat Woman, Mulholland Drive)

“I haven’t felt this bad since I saw that Ronald Regan movie.” (Marcy Goldman as Mrs. Geline, Airplane!)

“It’s a clean telephone. Don’t just think you can walk in here like that. Did you know that the germs can come through the wires? I never call and I never answer, it’s a good way to get sick. Very, very sick. That’s how I got so sick! Someone called me on the telephone!” (Catherine Gaffigan as Arlene, Sisters)

Advertisement

“Beth! Beth! If you’re going into town can you pick me up something at the drugstore? Beth, come on, my husband is coming today and I need some lube…for my pussy.” (Nina Hellman as Nancy, Wet Hot American Summer)

“If you died right now, I would throw myself under one of my dad’s cement trucks so I could be poured into your tomb.” (Jessica Campbell as Tammy Metzler, Election)

“Respect the cock…and tame the cunt. Tame it.” (Tom Cruise as Frank T.J. Mackey, Magnolia)

“I’m Sylvia and my clitoris is in crisis.” (Tracey Ullman as Sylvia Stickles, A Dirty Shame)

Advertisement

“Yes, yes, but first we must eat. Come. Good food, come.” (Frank Oz as Yoda, The Empire Strikes Back)

“You can fuck me in the ass. You can cum on my face. Just keep it out of my hair. I just washed it.” (Elisabeth Shue as Sera, Leaving Las Vegas)

“If you do this I will eat your face!” (John Lithgow as Bud Brumder, Orange County)

“He used to sneak into my dorm room drunk every month. We’d go at it for a little while, and then, as soon as he’d come, he’d start freaking out. ‘What are you doing, man? I’m not a fag. If you tell anybody, I’m gonna kick your ass!’ God. The only reason I let him keep up the charade is because the man’s got a mouth like a hoover.” (Joshua Jackson as Blaine Tuttle, Cruel Intentions)

Advertisement

“I sure was surprised the day Lisa Flanagan asked me for a ride home and ended up blowing me.” (Chris Klein as Paul Metzler, Election)

“Helga, I’m not mad at you, I’m mad at the dirt.” (Faye Dunaway as Joan Crawford, Mommie Dearest)

“God, what are you, a bitch? You’re a bitch. How many kids do you have, bitch?” (Talia Shire as Mrs. Silver, I Heart Huckabees)

“Yo, Weiner, you better get ready, ‘cause at three o’ clock today, I’m gonna rape you!” (Brendan Sexton III as Brandon McCarthy, Welcome of the Dollhouse)

Advertisement

“Oh, I love seeing teachers outside of school. It’s like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs.” (Lizzy Caplan as Janas Ian, Mean Girls)

“Sorry, I never forget a face, especially when I’ve sat on it.” (Kathleen Turner as China Blue, Crimes of Passion)

“There are certain social structures, Holly, that we have to adhere to that we don’t.” (Jackie Curtis, Women in Revolt)

“Jesus Christ.” (Mara Hobel as Christina Crawford, Mommie Dearest)

Advertisement

“We’ve got bush!” (Curtis Armstrong as Booger, Revenge of the Nerds 2: Nerds in Paradise)

“This is paradise, I’m tellin’ ya. This town is like a great big pussy just waiting to get fucked.” (Al Pacino as Tony Montana, Scarface)

“I hate it when things don’t go my way. It makes me so horny.” (Sarah Michelle Gellar as Kathryn Merteuil, Cruel Intentions)

“Metabolically, it’s not my rhythm,(Judy Davis as Sally, Husbands and Wives)

Advertisement

“This is a giant cock.” (Julianne Moore as Amber Waves, Boogie Nights)

“Everyone likes to be alone when it comes out. I like to be alone when it goes in. To me, the cafeteria is like being with twenty girls all at once taking a dump.” (Brittany Murphy as Daisy Randone, Girl, Interrupted)

“Earthquakes bring out the worst in people.” (George Kennedy as Sgt. Lew Slade, Earthquake)

“I don’t make nothin’ out of horses, especially ‘horse durves,’ ‘cause I don’t know what they are, and neither do you.” (Annie Joe Edwards as Venus, Bullets Over Broadway)

Advertisement

“I hate Illinois Nazis.” (John Belushi as Jake Blues, The Blues Brothers)

“All you guys do is drink beer and hide!” (Dick Miller as Buck Gardner, Piranha)

“I have a part of you with me. You put your disease in me. It helps me. It makes me strong.” (Isabella Rossellini as Dorothy Valens, Blue Velvet)

“We’re very healthy here. There’s a health food store right around the corner. I go down there every night to get some nuts. Do you ever try any nuts? I’m into ecology. Health foods and all that great stuff. Avocados. Artichokes. You should see the way I make artichokes. Olive oil. Salt. Pepper. Fabulous. They come out delicious. Wish you could come over one night…for some artichokes and avocados. I’ll cook on my hot plate. I like all the health foods. You name it, I eat it.” (Andrea Feldman as Jessica Todd, Heat)

Advertisement

“Having trouble son? Take it out and put it in her hand.” (Burgess Meredith as Harry Greener, The Day of the Locust)

“Tear down that bitch of a bearing wall and put a window where it ought to be!” (Faye Dunaway as Joan Crawford, Mommie Dearest)

“I never pretended to be somebody else. It’s been me all along. And it was me who was hurt in front of everybody…I know what it feels like to be afraid to show who you are. I was. But not anymore. And the thing is, I don’t care what people think about me…because I believe in myself. And I know that things are gonna be okay.” (Hilary Duff as Sam, A Cinderella Story)

“Whores and metaphors don’t mix.” (Anthony Perkins as Rev. Peter Shayne, Crimes of Passion)

Advertisement

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.