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The 10 Worst Films of 2013

From the bloated egos of Ben Stiller and Tom Cruise to the masochistic horrors of military violence and high-end shopping, click on to see what almost drove us out of the theater.

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Only God Forgives

Contrary to the curious, outspoken beliefs of some, we prefer to celebrate movies around these parts, culminating each December with our collaborative list of the 25 best films of the year. But while nearly all films deserve careful consideration, there are plenty that deserve a proper, vitriolic takedown, maybe even a warning label. Scraping the very bottoms of our moviegoing barrels, Slant’s Ed Gonzalez and I winced as we remembered our worst film experiences of 2013. The five we each loathed most were compiled into a list of 10, and they’re counted down here in our personal, descending orders of deplorableness. From the bloated egos of Ben Stiller and Tom Cruise to the masochistic horrors of military violence and high-end shopping, click on to see what almost drove us both out of the theater. R. Kurt Osenlund


The 10 Worst Films of 2013

Mama

The only craft behind Mama’s scares are their decibel levels. But the film becomes genuinely shocking when one realizes that it isn’t even meant to actually goose us so much as it exists to make women privy to the alarm on their biological clocks. Ed Gonzalez


The 10 Worst Films of 2013

Oblivion

Its art direction may be on point, but Oblivion’s cool gadgetry and overwrought twists add up to a whole lot of derivative nothing, and that’s before Tom Cruise’s vanity hijacks the whole needless operation (spoilers ahead). Turns out Cruise’s dystopian rubble explorer is the Yankee- and Springsteen-loving prototype for all humanity, who’s been cloned a gajillion times, and who’ll ultimately take back the planet. Because a Cruise-led, jingoistic world is the one we all want to live in. Osenlund


The 10 Worst Films of 2013

Dallas Buyers Club

It’s a sad state of affairs when the first major AIDS drama since 1993’s Philadelphia pins its focus on a straight, white, fiercely homophobic redneck. It’s sadder still when the hero’s lapdog sidekick, whom he learns to tolerate, is an affected, archaic vision of a transgender woman, whose fate—again, spoilers ahead—is to die by drug overdose. The “bravery” of actors losing weight has grossly overshadowed how toxic Dallas Buyers Club is for the culture at large. Osenlund


The 10 Worst Films of 2013

Blue Caprice

One scene, in which Isaiah Washington’s John peers at Tequan Richmond’s Lee from a balcony as the latter aimlessly rides around on a bike, is striking for being one of very few visions in Alexandre Moors’s Blue Caprice devoted to articulating nothing more than that which is mundane. Everything else in this superficial, risibly portentous depiction of the Beltway sniper attacks is racist in its denial of moral complexity. Gonzalez


The 10 Worst Films of 2013

The Secret Life of Walter Mitty

The description for Matthew Fox’s baddie from Alex Cross could also apply to Ben Stiller in the execrable The Secret Life of Walter Mitty: “rogue, stimulus-seeking sociopathic narcissist.” Even the main character’s scenic world-traveling is difficult to enjoy, as planet Earth, like the final cover of LIFE magazine, exists solely as a backdrop for the exaltation of a man’s enormous ego. Gonzalez

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Watch: The Long-Awaited Deadwood Movie Gets Teaser Trailer and Premiere Date

Welcome to fucking Deadwood!

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Deadwood
Photo: HBO

At long last, we’re finally going to see more of Deadwood. Very soon after the HBO series’s cancellation in 2006, creator David Milch announced that he agreed to produce a pair of two-hour films to tie up the loose ends left after the third season. It’s been a long road since, and after many false starts over the years, production on one standalone film started in fall 2018. And today we have a glorious teaser for the film, which releases on HBO on May 31. Below is the official description of the film:

The Deadwood film follows the indelible characters of the series, who are reunited after ten years to celebrate South Dakota’s statehood. Former rivalries are reignited, alliances are tested and old wounds are reopened, as all are left to navigate the inevitable changes that modernity and time have wrought.

And below is the teaser trailer:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tAcftIUE6MQ

Deadwood: The Movie airs on HBO on May 31.

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Watch: Quentin Tarantino’s Once Upon a Time in Hollywood Gets Teaser Trailer

When it rains, it pours.

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Once Upon a Time in Hollywood
Photo: Columbia Pictures

When it rains, it pours. Four days after Quentin Tarantino once more laid into John Ford in a piece written for his Beverly Cinema website that saw the filmmaker referring to Ford’s She Wore a Yellow Ribbon as Tie a Yellow Ribbon, and two days after Columbia Pictures released poster art for QT’s ninth feature that wasn’t exactly of the highest order, the studio has released a teaser for Once Upon a Time in Hollywood. The film was announced early last year, with Tarantino describing it as “a story that takes place in Los Angeles in 1969, at the height of hippy Hollywood.”

Set on the eve of the Manson family murders, Once Upon a Time in Hollywood tells the story of TV actor Rick Dalton (Leonardo DiCaprio) and his stunt double, Cliff Booth (Brad Pitt), as they try to get involved in the film industry. The film also stars Margot Robbie (as Sharon Tate), Al Pacino, the late Luke Perry, Damian Lewis, Dakota Fanning, Emile Hirsch, Timothy Olyphant, Kurt Russell, and Bruce Dern in a part originally intended for the late Burt Reynolds.

See the teaser below:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Scf8nIJCvs4

Columbia Pictures will release Once Upon a Time in Hollywood on July 26.

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Watch the Stranger Things 3 Trailer, and to the Tune of Mötley Crüe and the Who

A wise woman once said that there’s no such thing as a coincidence.

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Stranger Things 3
Photo: Netflix

A wise woman once said that there’s no such thing as a coincidence. On Friday, Jeff Tremaine’s The Dirt, a biopic about Mötley Crüe’s rise to fame, drops on Netflix. Today, the streaming service has released the trailer for the third season of Stranger Things. The clip opens with the strains of Mötley Crüe’s “Home Sweet Home,” all the better to underline that the peace and quiet that returned to the fictional rural town of Hawkins, Indiana at the end of the show’s second season is just waiting to be upset again.

Little is known about the plot of the new season, and the trailer keeps things pretty vague, though the Duffer Brothers have suggested that the storyline will take place a year after the events of the last season—duh, we know when “Home Sweet Home” came out—and focus on the main characters’ puberty pangs. That said, according to Reddit sleuths who’ve obsessed over such details as the nuances of the new season’s poster art, it looks like Max and company are going to have to contend with demon rats no doubt released from the Upside Down.

See below for the new season’s trailer:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YEG3bmU_WaI

Stranger Things 3 premieres globally on July 4.

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