In the latest issue of Q magazine, Avril Lavigne submitted an inane list of her “Ten Commandments.” I was originally going to counter with a list of reasons why I hate the girl (I mean, I’m taking a break from Fashion Week to write a column about it), but then I realized that simply reprinting some of the items from the feature would speak for itself. At first I thought someone at Q was playing a joke on us (and Avril), but it turns out the girl is just dumber than she looks (“Selling 24 million albums hasn’t really affected me, but it has changed things,” the oh-so-wise sage observed). Below are some of the other potent quotables.
“PARTY HARD. BUT NOT TOO HARD. When I go to a party, I am the party! I’m the girl doing shots, jumping on tables, screaming and getting wasted.”
So, basically, you’re the asshole as the party everyone fucking hates. Nice.
“PRACTISE GOOD KARMA. I am a very giving person. When the hurricane thing happened, I went to my closet, filled six boxes of stuff and said to my assistant, ‘take it to Katrina!’ I also like to give stuff to people who are my ‘workers,’ especially if they don’t make much money.”
Wow, you really are an asshole. I’m sure your “workers” are making really good use of that dart board and that old issue of TigerBeat you gave them last Christmas.
“BE GRATEFUL. It’s important to be thankful, even if you’re poor. I mean, come on, we all have clean water—well OK, not people in the developing world.”
You mean like how the developing part of your brain lacks oxygen?
“EXTEND YOURSELF. I want to get into movies next, a lead role in a super cool indie flick. I’ve been looking at scripts for the past two years now and most of them have been shit, but I know I could be real good at it. I have an agent now, and everything.”
Hey, Avril, there is nothing “super” nor “cool” nor “indie” about you, but I hear you didn’t make audiences want to scratch their eyes out in Fast Food Nation. Looks like showering your pimp—I mean agent—with all those gifts from your closet really paid off.
“LOVE YOURSELF. People love me and people hate me, but I’m comfortable in my own skin and that’s what counts. And anyway, if you do hate me, you’re the loser, not me.”
Ladies and gentleman, this must mean that we here at Slant are the biggest fucking losers on the planet. And we’re, like, totally cool with that.
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