Jonathan Liebesman’s Darkness Falls is so pitiful that it doesn’t even deserve to be mentioned in the same sentence as some of the worst B-movies ever made. This 75-minute extension of filmmaker Joseph Harris’s short film “The Tooth Fairy” vies for “old school” cred yet its unbearably loud and witless disposition conjures images of studio heads wanting to numb young test audiences into submission. What with its utter disregard for human life and its own inherently creepy mythos, Darkness Falls is Häxan for the Scream generation, cutesy one-liners and all. The entire thing reeks of a woodsy fireside ghost tale: “So there was this old hag who liked to collect baby teeth from the children of Darkness Falls in exchange for copper coins. She got burnt badly in a house fire and decided to wear a porcelain mask so no one would look at her hideous, light-sensitive face. When two children went missing, the townsfolk ceremoniously hung the woman, who now bore a striking resemblance to Spirited Away’s No-Face. When the children turned up, the town responded with a resounding, ‘Whoopsies!’ Years later, the ‘Tooth Fairy’ began to visit the town’s children, daring them to look at her face as she tried to swipe their last baby tooth. If they looked, she tried to kill them, but should they have survived, she’d tailgate them for the rest of their lives. Some say she haunts these very woods! When running away from the Tooth Fairy, make sure to carry a flashlight and a supply of batteries with you at all times. Word is that she can’t kill you if you are in the light. Beware of sunsets and power outages and stay close to structures that emit powerful rays of light. If all else fails, you can always move out of Darkness Falls since she seems to be a very territorial creature who’s set definite limits for herself. No one will believe you when you tell them that the Tooth Fairy is after you, but not for the reasons you might expect. We know the Tooth Fairy exists—it’s just that we don’t like to think of her as such a bitch. If you can’t aim your flashlight at what appears to be your sister’s black negligee swishing across your eye-line, aim in the direction of her ear-splitting screech. Of course, don’t confuse her wail for the equally penetrating sound of keys turning inside locks, doors opening and objects crashing into each other. Tomorrow I’ll tell you about what happened when the Easter Bunny came hopping into the small town of Egg Sunday.”
Image/Sound
Columbia TriStar Home Entertainment offers both a 2.35:1 anamorphic widescreen and a full screen transfer of Darkness Falls on the same dual-layer disc. Considering the role of darkness in the film, I suppose it’s some kind of small miracle that blacks are as solid as they are. Though skin tones aren’t as sharp as you might expect, the incredible Dolby Digital 5.1 surround track will keep you distracted from any flaws in the film print. Every insufferable wail unleashed by the Tooth Fairy should sound as if it were amplified to umpteenth degrees on even the shoddiest sound systems.
Extras
The good news about the two commentary tracks included on this DVD edition of Darkness Falls: director Jonathan Liebesman, producers William Sherka and Jason Shuman and writers John Fasano and James Vanderbilt all sound like nice guys. The bad news: how can you take a filmmaker seriously who actively engaged What Lies Beneath throughout his own film? Also included here are seven deleted scenes (more like extended scenes) sans commentary, storyboard comparisons and two making-of featurettes. “The Making of Darkness Falls” is just what DVD audiences have come to expect from lazy studios: an extended trailer with junket interviews spliced into the mix. “The Legend of Matilda Dixon” is fascinating for all of five seconds until you realize the filmmakers are probably the worst poker players in the world. This piece purports to detail the true events behind the real Tooth Fairy, who lived and died mysteriously in Port Fairy, Australia. If Matilda Dixon did die in the mid-1800s, why do the young interviewees in this piece act as if they knew her personally? Then again, if the filmmakers couldn’t get a horror film right, I suppose it’s too much to ask that they nail the details of mockumentary.
Overall
I could probably make a better film in a coma, but I still don’t hear Revolution Studios knocking on my door.
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