Three years ago, at the peak of the celeb-reality phenomenon that was MTV’s The Osbournes, Slant compiled a list of other famous families worthy of their own reality show. Among them: Liza Minnelli and David Gest (who apparently took our advice and signed up with VH1 but whose volatile relationship unfortunately killed the freak-show production before it ever aired), the Jacksons (who are currently shopping for a deal), Madonna and hubby Guy Ritchie (the pop star’s upcoming tour documentary will reportedly focus more on family and Jewish mysticism than music), and finally, Bobby Brown and Whitney Houston. Bravo’s Being Bobby Brown purports to chronicle the former New Edition member’s return to the music world, but it plays more like raw footage of a directionless couple. While the editors (a.k.a. “writers”) of the show don’t give Being Bobby Brown the thematic episode-specific arcs of The Osbournes or even Newlyweds, we did learn a few things about the life of R&B’s most tumultuous couple:
1. No one really cares about Bobby Brown. Being Bobby Brown is just an excuse to get Nippy on camera while she’s ripped out of her mind.
2. You can take the girl out of Newark but you can’t get her to stop smoking crack.
3. Whitney likes to talk about human parasites when she’s high.
4. Bobby once had to assist “the wifey” remove what he called a “dookie bubble” from her butt. Again, presumably while high.
5. Bobby got into the music biz “for the people.” Whitney did it for the singing. Which explains why she’s the most callous, ungracious and boorish autograph signer to walk the face of the earth. When faced with fans in the Bahamas while vacationing, Houston opted to spend five minutes saying “no no no no no” rather than pose for a 10-second photograph.
6. Whitney Houston is starting to look a hell of a lot like Dionne Warwick.
7. It’s okay for young hoochies to shake their bare asses against Bobby’s groin region at a club but a male masseur is not allowed to touch his wifey (or him).
8. It is absolutely necessary to stand crotch-to-crotch when telling a female groupie that you’re married.
9. Surprisingly, Bobbi Kristina Brown can fit inside the cabinet beneath a sink.
10. And, finally, though a recent survey of Slant readers suggests many would like to see Whitney make a musical comeback (second only to Madonna), Bobby Brown probably has a better shot.