You may wonder where this column has been if you’re one of the poor souls who dares read it—or if you’re my mother. Hi, mom! As I was about to get started on this third entry, an elite squad of sailor-suited, pink-haired ninja women—“kunoichi” if we want to be all proper with the terms—kidnapped me and did unmentionable things for days on end. They only let me out to record the brand new House Next Door podcast with fellow columnist Vadim Rizov and co-editor Keith Uhlich. They then re-abducted me the second I stepped off the train back into Brooklyn. However, I spent the last two weeks training and—to paraphrase Dae-su Oh—I will soon find out if 14 days of imaginary training can be put to good use. I have developed my new ultimate power, turned one of my captors into my comedic sidekick and will free the land from the oppression of pink-haired ninja women/kunoichi! Believe it!