1. “Let’s Talk About Kim Novak.” It’s time again to say horrible, awful things about every movie and actor nominated Sunday night.
“As we age, the fat that plumps the skin and makes it glow inexorably begins to disintegrate. Because this is 2014, and we’re on our way to curing women of the worst thing that can happen to them—getting old—doctors can solve this terrible problem with injectable fillers. So let’s say—just as a hypothetical for instance—you are an 81-year-old star whose last movie was in 1991 and who hasn’t been to the Oscars in many a long year. Not that you were ever nominated for one in the first place; you were, after all, a sex symbol for most of your career. As the evening approaches, the anxiety sets in. Harsh lights, you think. High-definition cameras. And a public that remembers you chiefly as the ice goddess whose beauty once drove James Stewart to the brink of madness.”