Last weekend I was out at the club and men were hitting on me more than usual. I don’t really have a hard time meeting guys, but they were approaching from all sides and were particularly aggressive this night. They bought me drinks, asked me to dance, practically begged for my number. It got so bad at one point that the doorman had to come over and ask a few of them to leave. Sure, I was wearing my freakum dress. Yes, I had just gotten a bikini wax earlier that day. But it wasn’t until the bartender asked, “What’s that beguiling vaginal scent I smell?” that it dawned on me. It was the new fragrance I picked up in Chinatown! While shopping for some bubble tea (a delicious iced beverage with engorged tapioca balls), I passed a man holding a sign that said “Free Sun Tan.” I stopped and asked the man who Sun Tan was and why he was being held captive. He pointed to the tanning salon behind him. Well, you can imagine my embarrassment, so I did what anyone would do in that situation and went inside and got my cooter waxed, during which the man’s wife asked if I had a boyfriend. When I told her, in between screams, that I was happily single, she shook her head and insisted I try this ancient aphrodisiac that had been passed down from generation to generation in her family. It was called Vulva. When I got home from the club that night, after being accosted by my cab driver and the homeless man who hangs out outside my building, I went online to do some research and discovered that Vulva wasn’t an ancient Chinese aphrodisiac at all but a German fragrance that smells just like PUSSY! I don’t know how I missed this one, especially since its ad campaign bears a striking resemblance to the one for Tom Ford for Men. Vulva’s website is called Smell Me and Cum, and the company responsible, Vivaeros Special Products, describes it as “a precious vaginal fragrance filled into a small glass phial.” Vile, indeed.
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