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Five Reasons Why Avril Lavigne Is an Asshole

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Five Reasons Why Avril Lavigne Is an Asshole

In the latest issue of Q Magazine, Avril Lavigne submitted a retarded list of her “Ten Commandments.” I was originally going to counter with a list of reasons why I hate the girl (I mean, I

“PARTY HARD. BUT NOT TOO HARD. When I go to a party, I am the party! I’m the girl doing shots, jumping on tables, screaming and getting wasted.”

So, basically, you’re the asshole who’s going to have butt sex with the entire Varsity Blues team and then claim you were gang raped, right? Nice.

“PRACTISE GOOD KARMA. I am a very giving person. When the hurricane thing happened, I went to my closet, filled six boxes of stuff and said to my assistant, ’take it to Katrina!’ I also like to give stuff to people who are my ’workers,’ especially if they don’t make much money.”

Wow, you really are an asshole. I’m sure your “workers” are making really good use of that dart board and that old issue of TigerBeat you gave them last Christmas.

“BE GRATEFUL. It’s important to be thankful, even if you’re poor. I mean, come on, we all have clean water—well OK, not people in the developing world.”

You mean like how the developing part of your brain lacks oxygen? Stupid bitch.

“EXTEND YOURSELF. I want to get into movies next, a lead role in a super cool indie flick. I’ve been looking at scripts for the past two years now and most of them have been shit, but I know I could be real good at it. I have an agent now, and everything.”

Hey, Avril, there is nothing “super” nor “cool” nor “indie” about you, but I hear you didn’t make audiences want to scratch their eyes out in Fast Food Nation. Looks like showering your pimp—I mean agent—with all those gifts from your closet really paid off.

“LOVE YOURSELF. People love me and people hate me, but I’m comfortable in my own skin and that’s what counts. And anyway, if you do hate me, you’re the loser, not me.”

Ladies and gentleman, this must mean that we here at Slant are the biggest fucking losers on the planet. And we’re, like, totally cool with that.