Yay, a feature-length adaptation of the Spice Girls’s “Wannabe”! Stinging from a recent breakup, Joel (Nate Cooper) tracks down Cristabelle (Paris Hilton), his first-grade crush, to tell her what he wants what he really really wants. But Easy H doesn’t come for free, she’s a real lady, so she’s, like, nu-uh, if you want my future, you gotta find someone to get with my friend. But June (Christine Lakin) is busted, which we know from the horse neighing on the soundtrack but also that rotting toenail, the mega mole on her chin, and the backne that goes down to her wazoo. So Joel must use money, liquor, and hypnosis to get some dude to slam his body down onto the girl (and lick ice cream from her mole, natch) and wind it all around. The rest writes itself, right down to Joel realizing who he really really wants to zigazig ha, beating himself up for not knowing love was staring at him in the face since first grade, as if his feelings for June didn’t have anything to do with the fact that she’s gotten—yup—a complete makeover! Would Cristabelle and June be friends in the real world? Only if you believe “make it last forever friendship never ends.” So, the film’s disingenuousness is as transparent as executive producer Hilton’s nightie, which she wears with more conviction than dialogue like “A life without orgasms is like a world without flowers.”
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