It’s tough being a drama queen, but try telling that to the people responsible for Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen. Mary Cep (Lindsay Lohan)—alias Lola (of course, if she were a real drama queen, she’d know her Fassbinder front-and-back)—loves the band Sidarthur (ugh!), and when she moves to Bumblefuck, New Jersey, with her mother and two sisters, it takes exactly two seconds before she befriends the one other Sidarthur freak in the class, homely Ella (Alison Pill, less noxious here than she was in Pieces of April). It also takes about that long before the Shakespeare-engaging tween incurs the wrath of Les Biches. You know the clique. Though they always travel in threes (kind of like the Macbeth witches), one always stands out. Here, it’s Carla Santini (Megan Fox), some want-it-all who’s easily threatened when Lola begins to walk on her turf. It bears mentioning that Carla is no ordinary bitch. She’s the queen of the fucking bitches, and if I was Lola’s friend and had to watch the things Carla does to her at school, I would have told (no, demanded!) that Lola scratch the bitch’s eyes out. Instead, passive-aggressive Lola takes Carla’s attitude, and after spinning one too many lies, no one will believe Lola that she’s real tight with Sidarthur frontman Stu Wolff (Adam Garcia). Now, if you’ve watched at least one film made in the last 100 years, you not only know that Lola will learn her lesson, but she will also get her recompense. There is an aesthetic to drama queen-ness that director Sara Sugarman and writer Gail Parent just don’t get. Seriously, why call a film Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen if you’re unprepared to theoretically or aesthetically deal with the subject? This familiar comedy may as well have been called The Tween Who Cried Wolf, and while Lola’s predicaments and paybacks are beyond rote, I was not prepared for the moment when The Tween Who Cried Wolf became The Lindsay Lohan Movie. Lohan is edgier and infinitely less annoying than Hilary Duff, and as such I wish I could give her the thumbs up here, but Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen more or less reveals itself as a transparent attempt to launch the girl’s music career. Poor Disney. They used to make movies, now they’re just trying to make American Idols. Note to Lohan: I know you’re supposed to play Britney Spears in your movie, but if you wear fake tanner and act like Carla Santini (you know, Christina Aguilera) on your first album, I’ll definitely tell all my friends to buy it.
- Sara Sugarman
- Gail Parent
- Lindsay Lohan, Adam Garcia, Glenne Headly, Alison Pill, Eli Marienthal, Carol Kane, Megan Fox, Sheila McCarthy, Tom McCamus, Richard Fitzpatrick
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