How dismally arch and self-satisfied can a Chelseacore sex comedy get? Start with an opening-title sequence that instantly serves up nude yoga, a shower makeout session between two soon-to-be-combative lovers, and a closing-time threeway; then follow with summery New York travelogue shots linking the same old Sex and the City-wannabe horny circle of friends. The putative fun starts when porn-shop clerk and bubble-brained slut Luke (Jesse Archer) meets cute with trust-funded painter Stephen (Charlie David), a “total top” who declares the serial hoe to be “a gay cliché.” Easy on the autocritique! Lust defeats instant aversion, and the contrary pair are jumping into bed a couple scenes later. Archer, whose fierce queen’s hair has apparently survived a particularly gruesome mousse-and-highlights accident, strides through one rhythmless scene after another with the entitlement of Paul Lynde’s heir while instead approximating a lip-glossed JM J. Bullock. “There’s a party in my pants and everybody’s coming!” is a typical bon mot. The bodies are uniformly toned, the kissing and fucking scenes performed with vaguely grotesque energy, and the obligatory straight gal-pal (Virginia Bryan) is a masochistic, frazzled mess fumbling with pre-wedding stress and a come-on from her female sobriety sponsor. Director Casper Andreas and co-writer Archer can’t even wring a laugh out of a sexual compulsives’ 12-step group, or do much of anything with their whorish hero’s discovery that his BF is a bona fide hustler. Points for valor in defeat go to Cory Grant as Luke’s activist-cutie co-worker, and Jeremy Gender as his wingman, who evaluates cock types in a backroom scrum with monikers like “a Sloping Cascade.” Love and slut may be the four-letter words the script proffers, but as Luke might leeringly hiss, “So is shit!”
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