2005 MTV Video Music Awards: Winner Predictions & Recap

2005 MTV Video Music Awards Winner Predictions & Recap

 

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GrandmaHenderson: are you there?

HotSexyMusicEditor2005: yeah hi

GrandmaHenderson: i’ve been trying to finally watch some of the videos I’ve been purposefully avoiding for the last year but mtv’s website is the least useful place ever and iTunes’ video section is just as bad. i haven’t been able to make mtv.com do anything but flash pretty colors at me, which could just be the entire Rap video category

HotSexyMusicEditor2005: oh yeah, i just realized how awful it is. leave it to MTV to opt for flash over content

GrandmaHenderson: yeah, it’s like a mannequin dressed up like a website. i need an emoticon for vomiting

HotSexyMusicEditor2005: so should we start this thang then?

GrandmaHenderson: i thought we had. christ, this is like having sex.

HotSexyMusicEditor2005: ok, so video of the year…do the nominees keep getting crappier every year or is it just me?

GrandmaHenderson: you just keep getting crabbier every year. But Missy Elliott’s snubs are getting irritating.

HotSexyMusicEditor2005: didn’t she win best video of the year for “work it”?

GrandmaHenderson: yeah she did, but it’s so easy to forget…Haha…I don’t even want to have to watch the Black Eyed Peas’ “Don’t Fuck With My Heart” once and AOLmusic.com has no less than three versions of it! So, will the VMAs come in multiple versions too? Can I call the one that’s slow and boring “the VMAs (chopped and screwed version)”?

HotSexyMusicEditor2005: three versions? who are they, Kanye West? speaking of which, which version of “jesus walks” is nominated for video of the year?

GrandmaHenderson: R. Kelly

HotSexyMusicEditor2005: huh?

GrandmaHenderson: OK. This BEPs video is a huge phucking ripoff of “Hey Ya!” I wonder why it didn’t get nominated for Video of the Year.

HotSexyMusicEditor2005: eric, what are you doing?

GrandmaHenderson: God, I don’t know.

HotSexyMusicEditor2005: BEPs aren’t even nominated for video of the year

GrandmaHenderson: I don’t know which version of myself I should consult to work up enthusiasm over the VMAs.

HotSexyMusicEditor2005: the version that doesn’t want sal to beat the shit out of him. this needs to have some semblance of coherency

GrandmaHenderson: Why? The VMAs don’t.

HotSexyMusicEditor2005: i know. it’s like the equivalent of the AMAs

GrandmaHenderson: But we can ditch the BEPs for now… and for good.

HotSexyMusicEditor2005: honestly, “jesus walks” is the best of the bunch, which isn’t saying much.

GrandmaHenderson: It’s the worst of the bunch, imo. It’s like a complete inversion of last year’s “99 Problems.” 99 Problems but sin ain’t one. I do hope he kisses his gay cousin in his next video, though.

HotSexyMusicEditor2005: me too. “Stop gay bashing, yo.” he’s so wise. anyway, i couldn’t care less who wins.

GrandmaHenderson: I guess it’s between the two white videos. Coldplay or Green Day.

HotSexyMusicEditor2005: green day.

GrandmaHenderson: Don’t say I said “white videos” in the article.

HotSexyMusicEditor2005: okay.

GrandmaHenderson: I mean, my Grandma will be so upset.

HotSexyMusicEditor2005: i think Kanye’s gonna win. the question is, which of the three kanye’s will go to the podium?

GrandmaHenderson: The humble, God-Above-All one. I was going to say that Coldplay and Green Day’s videos are about as different as Kanye’s against “99 Problems.” The former is all flashy colors and gloss, like the fireworks in Land of the Dead. While the latter is the view from amongst the outraged zombies. I bet Coldplay wins, though. Then Chris Martin can get a headstart on dedicating awards to whoever he hopes will win the election in’08.

HotSexyMusicEditor2005: How about Best Male Video? John Legend’s clip is cool but it reminds me too much of a Gap ad. And two words: Candy Shop?

GrandmaHenderson: Yeah, that’s not right.

HotSexyMusicEditor2005: that’s one of the five best male videos?

GrandmaHenderson: I guess Kanye will get this one.

HotSexyMusicEditor2005: yeah man. Best Female Vagina

GrandmaHenderson: Haha, I thought you were talking about Kanye again for a second…we haven’t even gotten around to the part where Shakira had a video with Horatio Sanz.

HotSexyMusicEditor2005: oddly enough, this is probably the best video here. i love it when she’s cutting the onions erotically…ironically?

GrandmaHenderson: Or the part where a Mariah Carey single in 2005 has been sitting atop the singles charts for 14 weeks and running. Oh wait. That last thing isn’t a joke.

HotSexyMusicEditor2005: 12 weeks. that’s what happens when you put out a good song in the midst of steaming shit

GrandmaHenderson: she would’ve been happy with three days at this point

HotSexyMusicEditor2005: or 15 minutes. Mimi could win this one

GrandmaHenderson: is “we belong together” the one with Eric Roberts?

HotSexyMusicEditor2005: yes. and i always think mariah’s going to get decapitated at the end of the video when her veil is hanging off the back of the car. THAT would be the best female video of the year

GrandmaHenderson: that would be a comeback for her.

HotSexyMusicEditor2005: i mean, seriously, who in her camp let her do that? Tommy Motorola never would have allowed that.

GrandmaHenderson: Isn’t Gwen Stefani going to win this one, though? I think it’s pretty locked up for her.

HotSexyMusicEditor2005: really?

GrandmaHenderson: no one likes the song anymore, but it’s nominated for video of the year.

HotSexyMusicEditor2005: good point. and she’s wearing a cheerleading outfit.

GrandmaHenderson: And she’s talking to the fish-eye-lens camera.

HotSexyMusicEditor2005: Kelly Clarkson’s video is cute.

GrandmaHenderson: Hey, Missy’s not in this catgory either!

HotSexyMusicEditor2005: that’s because she a man

GrandmaHenderson: haha!

HotSexyMusicEditor2005: now we can get to the black eyed peas…best group scene, I mean video.

GrandmaHenderson: no please let’s don’t

HotSexyMusicEditor2005: The Killers should win. i love love love this video. and eric roberts is in it too

GrandmaHenderson: you love love love the killers. Eric Roberts should get the lifetime achievement award this year.

HotSexyMusicEditor2005: i agree. green day will probably win this one though

GrandmaHenderson: And they probably deserve it.

HotSexyMusicEditor2005: you think? i don’t love the video

GrandmaHenderson: I like this video a lot more than “American Idiot.”

HotSexyMusicEditor2005: i like “holiday” more. and i love Evan Rachel Wood screaming in their new video. she should win something for that. like a throat lozenge

GrandmaHenderson: What? They couldn’t get Eric Roberts?

HotSexyMusicEditor2005: ha!

GrandmaHenderson: [studiously ignoring U2.]

HotSexyMusicEditor2005: good boy. best rap sheet

GrandmaHenderson: number one police record

HotSexyMusicEditor2005: “Roxanne”

GrandmaHenderson: ...hold on, I think I lost my script.

HotSexyMusicEditor2005: I’d vote for the Ying Yang Twins just because it’s so fucking nasty

GrandmaHenderson: the ying yang twins should do a gay porn incest movie together.

HotSexyMusicEditor2005: with who?

GrandmaHenderson: Eric Roberts

HotSexyMusicEditor2005: I was going to suggest evan rachel wood. i mean, she’s got a porn name already

HotSexyMusicEditor2005: Best R&B Video…

HotSexyMusicEditor2005: [silence]

GrandmaHenderson: oh.

HotSexyMusicEditor2005: oh NO

GrandmaHenderson: oh snap.

HotSexyMusicEditor2005: i love Alicia Keys in “Karma” dressing like a woman…from 1980. you think “my boo” could win? they shot it at my favorite hotel in the meatpacking district

GrandmaHenderson: i think the soundtrack to this article could be the first four bars of “Oh.” Sounds like that foot-dragging sort of ennui. And no, “My boo” won’t win.

GrandmaHenderson: well, yeah, it’ll win.

GrandmaHenderson: i don’t know.

HotSexyMusicEditor2005: clearly. Best Hip-Hop…wait, didn’t we already do this?

GrandmaHenderson: i thought I was black, but I guess I’m not.

HotSexyMusicEditor2005: you’re not? wait, what?

HotSexyMusicEditor2005: clearly missy should win.

GrandmaHenderson: it’s nice they threw her a bone here. but “drop it like it’s hot” will probably win.

HotSexyMusicEditor2005: yeah, Snoop Dogg gets all the bones

GrandmaHenderson: i like how the ice cubes in that video give off more heat than Snoop and his backup hoochies.

HotSexyMusicEditor2005: ok, hip-hop needs to stop infiltrating everything… Ciara? best dance video?

GrandmaHenderson: uh, they’re all hip-hop videos. shakira excepted… shakira always excepted.

HotSexyMusicEditor2005: you’re telling me they couldn’t find an actual dance music dance video for the dance category? what is this, the grammys?

GrandmaHenderson: Destiny’s Child

HotSexyMusicEditor2005: you think?

GrandmaHenderson: Danceoffs always have the edge. don’t they?

HotSexyMusicEditor2005: true.

GrandmaHenderson: especially when the “opposing team” isn’t a bunch of sweaty dayplayer dancers, but ANOTHER SET OF destiny’s childs!

HotSexyMusicEditor2005: i hope no one’s placing bets based on these predictions. And it’s destiny’s children.

HotSexyMusicEditor2005: best rock video

GrandmaHenderson: all yours

HotSexyMusicEditor2005: MTV loves them some foo, but it’s either green day or the killers again.

GrandmaHenderson: yeah, i’m sort of shocked U2 aren’t here

HotSexyMusicEditor2005: they’re not rock.

GrandmaHenderson: they and the Foo Fighters tagteam so often

HotSexyMusicEditor2005: the foos are always on top

GrandmaHenderson: is that a placemark for a punchline?

HotSexyMusicEditor2005: that was the punchline

HotSexyMusicEditor2005: oooo, best pop video is next. Jesse McCartney is the only boy here. what does that say about him? Wait, he is a boy, right?

GrandmaHenderson: Someone pointed out there’s not much difference about the rock video and pop video categories except for the gender of the artists.

HotSexyMusicEditor2005: gwen will win this one i think. but Lindsay Lohan deserves it. i mean, there’s a helicopter

GrandmaHenderson: she’ll win one for the Robert Altman movie she’s in.

HotSexyMusicEditor2005: you mean the “robert altman” movie, as directed by his corpse and pt anderson?

GrandmaHenderson: haha…well Lindsay Lohan’s an alcoholic skeleton animated by her blood alcohol level.

HotSexyMusicEditor2005: ha. ha. skinny lindsay jokes never stop being funny. she’s really good in Freaky Friday.

GrandmaHenderson: I really need to have tipped back a few for this article.

GrandmaHenderson: I only sound drunk when I’m sober.

GrandmaHenderson: a la Hunter S. Thompson, whose corpse is, I think, being shot out of a cannon as we chat.

HotSexyMusicEditor2005: let’s move on, shall we?

GrandmaHenderson: can we just skip the mtv2 award? no one else cares about it.

HotSexyMusicEditor2005: request granted. what about best new artist? i never understood this category. are we voting for the best artist or the actual video?

GrandmaHenderson: “best”

HotSexyMusicEditor2005: because “dreams” by the game is not the best new artist in a video. i officially hate MTV.

GrandmaHenderson: whereas “ordinary people” are the artists in John Legend

HotSexyMusicEditor2005: here’s where it’s supposed to get good but doesn’t: breakthrough video. what did U2 break through exactly?

GrandmaHenderson: new levels of egotism. why is Sarah McLachlan in this category? (comment contingent on the fact that I’d never watch a SM video ever)

HotSexyMusicEditor2005: well then you can’t comment on it

GrandmaHenderson: seriously, is this SM video worth a shit?

HotSexyMusicEditor2005: not any less than the others in this category. it’s just a public service announcement

GrandmaHenderson: as much as I like Missy, I don’t even see any point to putting “lose control” here. it’s really a wheel-spinning video for her

HotSexyMusicEditor2005: my vote would go to Gorillaz

GrandmaHenderson: i guess I’d concur with the gorillaz vote. what about

Eminem’s “mosh” though? is it too hard to watch now like F. 9/11?

HotSexyMusicEditor2005: yes. we lost. no prize for you faggot.

GrandmaHenderson: boy, touch my body.

HotSexyMusicEditor2005: there’s choreography in the My Chemical Romance video? wait i need to watch this video.

GrandmaHenderson: i will too

GrandmaHenderson: musical sequence cut from gus van sant’s last days

HotSexyMusicEditor2005: huh?

GrandmaHenderson: he looks like michael pitt

HotSexyMusicEditor2005: who?

GrandmaHenderson: and it looks like it was shot by harry savides.

HotSexyMusicEditor2005: Michael Pitt is the guy from last days, right?

GrandmaHenderson: yeah

HotSexyMusicEditor2005: god, i hate that movie

GrandmaHenderson: i’m seeing it next week

HotSexyMusicEditor2005: i’m sorry. bring a pillow.

GrandmaHenderson: did you also hate elephant and gerry?

HotSexyMusicEditor2005: i liked gerry but didn’t love elephant

GrandmaHenderson: i’m the opposite.

HotSexyMusicEditor2005: that’s because you’re black

GrandmaHenderson: yeah, I love it when members of my own race are gunned down in school hallways

HotSexyMusicEditor2005: hey, they were equal opportunity assassins

GrandmaHenderson: none of the white deaths were as protracted as benny’s, though

HotSexyMusicEditor2005: wait, i think there was a storyline to this chem. romance video and i missed it

GrandmaHenderson: I think the story was that my chemical romance have an “ironic” love for “thriller”…but they’d hold up their index fingers when they say ironic

HotSexyMusicEditor2005: lose control should win

GrandmaHenderson: i sort of like the moves in “1,2, step”

HotSexyMusicEditor2005: it’s not nominated. Jennifer Lopez wearing four wigs does not coregprahy make

GrandmaHenderson: HAHA! “coregprahy.” are there really any “moves” in Hollaback girl? or just fronting?

HotSexyMusicEditor2005: if you count labia clenching

GrandmaHenderson: ohhh

HotSexyMusicEditor2005: i really don’t understand why people like The White Stripes’ “blue orchid.” it exemplifies everything that was wrong with Floria Sigismondi’s videos up until her sigur ros and incubus videos

GrandmaHenderson: it’s pretty twee

HotSexyMusicEditor2005: they might bestow Samuel Bayer with best direction just because these green day videos are like his swan song supposedly. he’s going to make the joseph kahn move.

GrandmaHenderson: a Kahn move toward total irrelevance, right?

HotSexyMusicEditor2005: i haven’t seen his movie but i loathe his videos.

GrandmaHenderson: watch Francis Lawrence and Diane Martel win for Jennifer Lopez’s “Get Right” now

HotSexyMusicEditor2005: i like them both, but apparently together they make crap.

HotSexyMusicEditor2005: can we please skip straight to “best soundtrack from a video game”...can you say FUCK YOU MTV? “dance dance revolution extreme” should win, just for the name alone

GrandmaHenderson: John Madden is like the U2 of video games.

HotSexyMusicEditor2005: so he’s maudlin and overrated?

GrandmaHenderson: he’s old and fat

HotSexyMusicEditor2005: U2 aren’t fat, unless you mean their heads

GrandmaHenderson: and they both use tinactin

HotSexyMusicEditor2005: should we end this here? how do you feel?

GrandmaHenderson: discontent

HotSexyMusicEditor2005: appropriate.

GrandmaHenderson: did we forget about viewers choice though?

HotSexyMusicEditor2005: who cares?

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