100 Movie Quotes the Potty-Mouthed Hipster Shouldn’t Live Without

100 Movie Quotes the Potty-Mouthed Hipster Shouldn’t Live Without


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Another year, another shortsighted shit list from the American Film Institute, this time “100 Movie Quotes: America’s Greatest Quips, Comebacks and Catchphrases.” According to the AFI website, each quote was handpicked from a comprehensive list compiled from ballots by “1,500 leaders from the creative community, including film artists (directors, screenwriters, actors, editors, cinematographers), critics and historians,” all of whom have probably seen exactly 100 films in their lifetime, because how else does one explain why the same damn movies keep showing up on these lists over and over and over again? Though you’d have to be in denial to pretend that “Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn” hasn’t been slow-roasting through popular culture for the last 70 years and cattle-branded into our collective pop-cultural consciousness, we still like to think that the number of people who say “Show me the money” and “I feel the need-the need for speed!” in casual conversation is limited to people with mullets and chronic masturbators. Which is why Slant Magazine offers you the following alternative: “100 Movie Quotes the Potty-Mouthed Hipster Shouldn’t Live Without,” which understands that there are less iconic but more amusing lines in Mommie Dearest than “No wire hangers, ever!” and better ways of getting laid then telling your prom date, “I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!” To give you an idea of where we’re coming from: Casablanca has 10 quotes on the AFI ballot and Francis Ford Coppola is the most represented director; on our list, Andy Warhol’s Heat is the top dog and Brian De Palma, Paul Morrissey, Paul Verhoeven and John Waters are the most represented directors. Trust us when we say that you’ll enjoy this list. If you don’t, well, then you can take a sugar-frosted fuck off the end of our dicks. So, without further ado, and in no particular order:

“I gotta go wash my vagina.” (Nicole Ari Parker as Becky Barnett, Boogie Nights)

“It rubs the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again.” (Ted Levine, The Silence of the Lambs)

“I hate you, and I hate your ass face!” (Christopher Guest as Corky St. Clair, Waiting for Guffman)

“I saw something nasty in the woodshed!” (Sheila Burrell as Ada Doom, Cold Comfort Farm)

“The street light makes my pussy hair glow in the dark—cotton candy with a glow.” (Alexandra Paul as Sunny, 8 Million Ways to Die)

“Jew eat?” (Woody Allen as Alvy Singer, Annie Hall)

“Get your dick back in here!” (Demi Moore as Lt. Jordan O’Neil, G.I. Jane)

“Oh Ramon, your penis is so powerful! I’m coming! Okay, thank you. Get off me.” (Mira Sorvino as Romy White, Romy and Michelle’s High School Reunion)

“I think I’ll have a large order of…prognosis negative!” (Bette Davis as Judith Traherne, Dark Victory)

“C’mon Nicholas…you don’t have to lick my ass. Just fuck me!” (Rebecca Romijn-Stamos as Laure Ash, Femme Fatale)

“Dear bitch…See how obsessive I allow myself to be? How would you like to be fucked with a meat cleaver?!” (Michael Biehn as Douglas Breen in The Fan)

“So they call me Concentration Camp Ehrhardt?” (Jack Benny as Joseph Tura as Col. Ehrhardt, To Be or Not to Be)

“I’m wet! And I’m still hysterical! (Gene Wilder as Leo Bloom, The Producers)

“Yeah, get the dynamite. And could you also bring me a regular coffee and a toasted corn muffin?” (Akiko Wakabayashi as Suki Yaki, What’s Up, Tiger Lily?)

“Bitches leave!” (Kurtwood Smith as Clarence Boddicker, RoboCop)

“Jesus! Where did she get the shoes? ’Whores for less?’(Denise Richards as Kelly Lanier Van Ryan, Wild Things)

“How would you like to suck my balls, Mr. Garrison?” (Cartman, South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut)

“For me, it’s like I’ve just given birth to my own baby girl, except she’s like a big giant girl who smokes and says ’shit’ a lot, you know?” (Lisa Kudrow as Michelle Weinberger, Romy and Michelle’s High School Reunion)

“There is something wrong with your vagina!” (Tracey Ullman as Sylvia Stickles, A Dirty Shame)

“My wife has an ass in her cock in the driveway, all right? I’m sorry if my thoughts are not on the photography of the film we’re shooting tomorrow.” (William H. Macy as Little Bill, Boogie Nights)

“Every time I sneeze, it’s like I’m four sneezes away from the hospice. And it’s like it’s not even happening to me, it’s like I’m watching it on some crappy show like Melrose Place or some shit, right? And I’m the new character, I’m the HIV/AIDS character and I live in the building and I teach everybody that ’It’s okay to be near me, it’s okay to talk to me.’ And then I die. And there’s everybody at my funeral wearing halter-tops or chokers or some shit like that.” (Janeane Garofalo as Vickie Miner, Reality Bites)

“What are you looking at? Wipe that face off your head, bitch.” (Parker Posey as Darla Marks, Dazed and Confused)

“We ask ourselves, is she black? Is she white? We don’t care. She’s exotic. I want to see more of her breasts.” (James Allodi as Video Director, Glitter)

“The swan ate my baby! The swan ate my baby!” (Kirstie Alley as Gladys Leeman, Drop Dead Gorgeous)

“How about you take a sugar-frosted fuck off the end of my dick?” (Ryan Reynolds as Hannibal King, Blade: Trinity)

“This is worse than the time when I fell asleep and you put your dick in my mouth and took a picture.” (Terrence, South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut)

“Shut up before I cut your face and nobody’s gonna want to fuck your ugly cunt!” (Paula E. Sheppard as Adrian, Liquid Sky)

“Your mother sucks cocks in hell, Karras!” (Linda Blair as Regan Teresa MacNeil, The Exorcist)

“Your mother’s cunt stinks like carpet cleaner.” (Mickey Rourke as Henry Chinaski, Barfly)

“I’m so hungry I could eat the ass end out of a dead rhino.” (Gary Busey as Angelo Pappas, Point Break)

“Shut that cunt’s mouth or I’ll come over there and fuckstart her head.” (Ryan Phillippe as Parker, The Way of the Gun)

“You’re a real blue flame special, aren’t you, son? Young, dumb and full of cum.” (John C. McGinley as Ben Harp, Point Break)

“I’m sorry, Wendy, but I don’t trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn’t die.” (Mr. Garrison, South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut)

“After the blood come the boys like sniffing dogs, grinning and slobbering and trying to find out where that smell comes from. That SMELL!” (Piper Laurie as Margaret White, Carrie)

“You can turn your back on a person, but never turn your back on a drug. Especially when it’s waving a razor-sharp hunting knife in your eye.” (Johnny Depp as Raoul Duke, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas)

“She doesn’t love me. She doesn’t give a damn about me, you kidding? She’s a damned tall girl. Cheap chorus girl. Whore all over town. She got into L.A., she said, ’Kachka la boobala, get me a cup of coffee.’(Andrea Feldman as Jessica Todd, Heat)

“No. Duh is a product of fear.” (Beth Grant as Kitty Farmer, Donnie Darko)

“Hey! Don’t throw that kid in the pool!” (Pat Ast as Lydia, Heat)

“I think Eskimos are smug.” (John Turturro as Chuck, Anger Management)

“I beat the shit out of some kids today, but it was for a purpose.” (Billy Bob Thornton as Willy, Bad Santa)

“Dog will hunt. Get that bitch, Leatherface. Get that bitch. Dog will hunt!” (Bill Moseley as Chop Top, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2)

“I can smell your cunt.” (Stuart Rudin as Miggs, The Silence of the Lambs)

“Don’t bother with the head, the V of my crotch is what needs the attention!” (Edith Massey, Desperate Living)

“Oh, fuck my cock.” (David Hyde Pierce as Henry, Wet Hot American Summer)

“If I had a nickel for every cigarette your mom smoked, I’d be dead.” (Moira Kelly as Donna Hayward, Twin Peaks: Fire Walk with Me)

“I’m going to have an abortion and I can’t wait!” (Mary Garlington as Lu-Lu Fishpaw, Polyester)

“Plug it up! Plug it up!” (High School Bitches, Carrie)

“Same old Henry. Afraid of your own shadow. You know what, Henry? You’re a regular barnyard exhibit. Sheep’s eyes, chicken guts, piggy friends…and shit for brains! No good at departmental politics, no good at making money, no good at making an impression on anybody…and no good at all in bed! When was the last time you got it up, Henry? Huh? When was the last time you were a man in our bed? Now get out of my way, Henry, or I swear to God you’ll be wearing your balls for earrings!” (Adrienne Barbeau as Wilma, Creepshow)

“Let ol’ Trixie sit up front with her big tits.” (Madeline Kahn as Trixie Delight, Paper Moon)

“Fags in the showers! Fags in the showers!” (Panicking Jocks, Once Bitten)

“It must be weird not having anybody cum on you.” (Robert Davi as Al Torres, Showgirls)

“Damn lot of corn raised in Hollywood these days too.” (Ann Miller as Coco, Mulholland Drive)

“Good evening. Welcome to China Blue Airlines, Flight 69, nonstop service to paradise. We’ll be taking off shortly. I’ll be unbuckling your belt and seeing that big bird rise and rise, finally settling into the comfort only this wide body can provide. We’re here to serve you. Please remember that, although we may run out of Pan Am coffee, we’ll never run out of T-W-A-T.” (Kathleen Turner as China Blue, Crimes of Passion)

“Where are my tits? Where are my tits?” (Rex Reed as Myron, Myra Breckinridge)

“What’s a fuckass?” (Daveigh Chase as Samantha Darko, Donnie Darko)


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