The holidays are a time for reflection…and I don't just mean primping in the mirror before heading out for your company's annual Christmas party. It's a time to look back on all the good and bad things that have happened and commit to making some changes. A lot happened in the world in 2005. Free elections took place in Iraq. Lindsay Lohan, no longer a bleached-blond stick figure, put out another album. Hurricane Katrina tore through New Orleans and exposed the economic and racial disparity in our country. Britney Spears, with the aide of K. Fed and a little swimmer who could, gestated another human being inside her womb for nine months. Yes, some amazing and terrifying things happened this year. October 5th of this year, or The Day I Was Dragged Across A Bed By My Vagina, was an especially memorable one for me. I'd been told that my slutty, man-eating ways would eventually get me into hot water (and not in a good way), that I would end up dead in an alley somewhere, or worse. But I never imagined that something so shocking and reprehensible would happen to me, that I would get transported from one side of my bed to another solely by my coochie snorcher. I met #36—that's for the year, people, not total—at the Gaslight lounge here in Manhattan. We went back to my place and #36 was pleasuring me with his digits (the ones on his hand) when he decided he wanted to bring me closer to him. This is the part of the story where I get hooked by my vagina and dragged across the bed. Needless to say, I was mortified. He's left me several messages since then but I still haven't returned his calls. I'm not sure what resolution I'm going to make, but I'm sure there's a lesson in there somewhere.

There is one thing that I know for sure will be happening in 2006. As you may or may not know (I'm betting on the latter based on the number of responses I've received), I'm a workaholic and have started a new Slant column called Ask Alexa, where I answer all of your questions and dole out some fabulous advice. What do you do when #36 drags you across the bed by your genitalia? I may not have the answer to that eternal mind-boggler, but I might just have something to say about some of your other non-vagina-dragging problems. If you haven't already sent me your question, then, in the words of my girl Gwen, what you waiting for?! In the meantime, I thought I'd get some practice by responding to the rest of the Slant staff's reader mail. Happy Holiday!



RE: Jarhead

Mr. Gonzalez,

I read your recent review of the movie Jarhead. OK, I started to read it.

At first I thought it was just a typo, but when I discovered the error a second time, and then a third, it struck me as poor journalistic style. When I was in high school I remember a big book we used that had standardized rules for journalism. Those rules covered names, titles, countries, abbreviations and more. The purpose was to enable journalists to maintain uniformity when writing their articles.

CORRECT: "soldier"
CORRECT: "sailor"
CORRECT: "airman"
INCORRECT: "marine"
CORRECT: "Marine"

Get it right next time, please. Marine is not a thing or a person; it is a title. Respect it.

Joe Quinn, Semper Fi

Dear Dr. Quinn Grammar Man,

Airman? What the fuck is an "airman"? Is that some sort of new superhero who fights terrorism by blowing hot air? Or maybe he combats evildoers who think it's okay to pull a woman closer by dragging them by their pussies. A pussy—and I'm sure you know a lot about pussies, Joe—is not a thing or a person; it is a privilege. Respect it.

Alexa



RE: Jarhead

I read your review on Jarhead. [Sounds] like you have more to say about your hate with Military [than] the [film's] true intent. If not the military then your liberal views. I thank [God] people like you stay in the small secure hole you belong instead of the front line, which I have visited several times and wish to visit several more. I'm [glad] you have the security blanket you cover up in at night, the same blanket soaked in my blood and the blood of young American boys and girls. We are here to make sure you have a voice in the freedom. The same freedoms which you spit on. May [God] bless you, because I don't!

Jason Dixon

Speaking of blood-stained security blankets, click here for a picture of me (or someone who looks a lot like me) in a high school production of You're a Jarhead, Charlie Brown, in which I (or she) starred as Linus.

Alexa



RE: What is wrong with your reviews? [Editor's Note: This email was addressed to Ed Gonzalez]

I have just come upon your movie section today and read well over 30 different reviews of both independent and blockbuster films and I am extremely disappointed. Your reviews dwell too much on bad or dig too much into subplots I am sure are not there. It's like you got a group of egotistical art teachers together and wrote down everything they say after a movie screening.

Chris D.

P.S. Site design is very well done.

Dear Chuck D,

Thanks for the compliment. We'll be sure to pass it on to the group of plaid, polyester pant-wearing, Bunsen burner-wielding 4th-grade science teachers we hired to help design the site.

Alexa



RE: (no subject) [Editor's Note: This email was addressed to Eric Henderson]

every time i read one of your reviews, even the good ones, i feel like i'm being mercilessly raped.

have a nice day.

Urlamajor

Dear Ursa Major,

Funny, because that's exactly how I feel every time the brass asks me to respond to reader mail. But at the end of the day, after wading through hundreds of emails criticizing our writing styles, opinions, and various sexual preferences, it's these kinds of emails, the ones that make us realize we've accomplished everything we set out to do when we started Slant Magazine, that truly make it all worth it. Thank you. You make my heart smile. Blood. You make my heart smile blood.

Alexa



RE: X-Men 2

i just wasted 5 minutes of my life reading ur review for x-men 2. for starters u said the movie sucked when it really was awesome and ur last paragraph did nothing but prove u not only have no rite or skill with which to review movies, but also no rite to be anywhere near anything that would allow you to write. to compare closeted gays to the mutants in this movie has got to b the dumbest fucking thing i have ever heard in my life. they have nothing to do with each other cuz one group is real and one is not and just to let u no its the mutants that arent real, i can tell by ur review u lack the intelligence to figure that out which is pathetic cuz im assuming u r and always will b a member of the closet gays to even mention it u fag. to say the ultimate message in x2 is that mutants could storm the white house at any time proves u had a traumatic child hood cuz THERE ARE NO MUTANTS!!!!!!!!!! and confuse reality with fiction. im sure ur dad molested u which would explain u bein a closet homo as well. and if there were really mutants like say prof X who can shut down peoples brains for awhile it wouldnt b very hard to storm the white house no would it? again the answer is yes cuz ur an idiot and i dont wat u to strain urself thinkn to hard. so if read this do us all a favor and and throw away ur computer(s) all forms of paper in your house (yes that means napkins, paper towels and even toilet paper) along with all pencils, pens, markers, chalk and anything else you could write with away and buy a nice little cabin way the hell away from civilization where u can live out the rest of ur sad pathetic life where u b forgotten long before u die.

oh yea almost forgot. along with all the other reasons listed above for y u should shove ur pen up ur ass and never rite ever again so long as you live you also didnt watch the whole movie. u must have missed the part where prof X went to visit magneto and was gassed and cyclops got his ass wooped by deathstryke. they were taken captive there before some of the kids who u said were all forced out into the world. so if ur pen isnt up ur ass by now WHAT THE FUCK ARE U WAITING FOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SHOT IT DUMB FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!

NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Derek M. Brown

Dear Derek,

I've never understood the purpose of buying both napkins and paper towels, and yet I still do it. What's the difference, really? They're both basically made from the same material, both are capable of performing the same functions, and the ones I buy are both made by the same company. So why do I keep buying both? What sort of psychological need does it fulfill in me to use a paper towel to clean up a spilled martini on the kitchen counter and a napkin to dab my mouth while eating dinner? The same could be said for tissues and toilet paper. Speaking of which, thanks for reminding me that I need to buy more toilet paper. I've been using paper towels to wipe my bleeding pussy for days now.

Alexa



RE: Animal Collective Review

mr. eric truly shit the bed on this one.

Jordan Alphabet

Dear Mr. Alphabet,

Most of us here at Slant do have a problem with incontinence. The question is, what should we use to clean it up: paper towels, napkins, toilet paper, or a copy of The New York Post?

Alexa



RE: Serenity Review Error

Being a Firefly Cultist, I will restrain myself from attacking the unbeliever. However, the Firefly universe is much larger than a single solar system, which is what you described as the setting for Serenity in your review. I pretty much use the Rotten Tomatoes approach of binary reviews, green or red, when looking up films, except for Slant Magazine. I enjoy your individualistic, if reviewed from the fringe, point of view. Keep it up.

Charles Jade

Dear Ms. Jade,

Thanks for the compliment. Now, when you say "the fringe," I'm sure you mean the fringe of the Firefly solar system, but we'd like to think you actually meant fringe benefit (for which, writing for Slant, there are many)…or maybe you meant any of the light or dark bands produced by the diffraction or interference of light…or what conservatives refer to as "the lunatic fringe." Yeah, that's the one. Toodles!

Alexa



RE: Serenity Review Error

You are a very bitter person so I thought I'd email you to give you a hug to make you feel better!

*HUGS!*

Go see Serenity again when you're in a better mood. It's really quite brilliant.

:)

Your friendly neighborhood Browncoat,

Ashley Burns

Dear Ashley,

Were your parents some sort of pyromaniacs or something? Ashley Burns? Is that why you want to hug Ed? Because no one ever wanted to touch you when you were little on account of your burning skin? Anyway, Ed recoils in terror when you try to hug him. But Nick Schager will let you touch him anywhere you want if you're interested. Just let me know and I'll hook you up.

Alexa



RE: Little Manhattan

A totem to white privilege? A repackaged white-bread fantasy scenario?

How about you look at a movie for its merits and ignore playing racial target practice. We already know that most movies are "white-bread" and picking on this specific film for that reality is unfair and unneeded.

Alex

Dear Alex,

The first thing I can tell about you, Alex, is that you must be a Philipino bride. Secondly, you left yourself wide open for this. When my dear friend, the late, great Rosa Parks, used to take me to target practice at the White Mountain Country Club, we never shot at the Philipinos. NEVER.

Alexa



RE: Mariah Carey at the VMAs

Sal and Eric:

This undecipherable chat between you two about Mariah shows me that she needs to give both of you the address and phone number of the hospital she stayed in during her 2001 exhaustion-related breakdown. Good day, and try to stay sober long enough to read this e-mail.

Dan Shannon—Houston, TX.

Dear Dan Shannon from Houston, TX,

I always have a really hard time finding the right way to abuse a Mariah fan in general. It just seems a little like kicking a retarded farm animal when it's down.

Alexa



RE: Toronto Film Festival

Jason Clark,

Thanks so much for reviewing our film Sorry, Haters.

Except for the "wretched" reference, I appreciated everything you mentioned (especially) how terrific is Robin Wright Penn's performance.

Oh, and the ending IS supposed to be serious...I think.

Next time, I'll try to tie it up in a nice, easy bow for those in need.

All the Best,

Jeff Stanzler [Director of Sorry, Haters]

Hi, Jeff:

Could you also put a cockring on it? Because that's what Jason likes, I think.

Alexa



RE: A State of Mind

You compare Bush to Kim. Are you on drugs? What justification do you have for such a comparison? Kindly fuck yourself.

Fred Wilson

Dear

I have no idea who Kim is (I don't get paid enough to go back and actually read the reviews you people are always bitching about), but you must mean Lil' Kim. In which case, comparing Bush to Kim is like comparing a magic stick to 50 Cent. It's disgusting but it makes perfect sense.

Alexa



RE: Carandiru

you're a moron, probably grew up lookin at life in fantasy land, this movie is brilliant, i can sense u have a disgust to some scenes and story in the movie, thats what good movies does gives bad and good effection, get real in life and get a real job u illiterate faggot, u need a smack on the ear.

Don Rafael

Dear Rafael,

All of my experience with illiterate faggots tells me they like getting smacked on the ass, not the ear.

Alexa



RE: Hi

Hello,

Holly shit. I hope y'all all start looking for new jobs cause this is the shit hole of all shit holes. How the fuck did I ever wander into this shit hole. I seen better personal web pages then this crap. what a waste of a master degree. keep up the good work! and keep hating cause you refuess to change or to see the world from a different view. YOU SO COOOoo L ...gang- STA! GI....fuck YOUUUuUuUU!!!!! kill me G.I. ....FUCK YOUOOoooOoooo! G.I.!!!!!

Doe John

Dear "John,"

I ask myself that very same question every morning when I walk into the office: "How the fuck did I ever wander into this shit hole?" There are some questions that are just better left unanswered. Like the following email we received:

RE: I knew one of your hate-mail senders

Ed,

First I would just like to thank you for being a liberal with balls. I like to think of myself as a liberal with balls, but really, I'm just an asshole.

Speaking of assholes, you received an email, now logged under your Spring Cleaning column of hate-mail, from a jackass named Andrew Knudsen (I was reading your past email responses, along with Maddox's responses to hate-mail on his website, to learn how to deal with my new slew of idiots).

That's funny, I thought. I knew an Andrew Knudsen when I was a kid. I am going to make a safe assumption, and assume that there aren't very many Knudsens in this country. Therefore, I am going to make the safe assumption that this is the same Andrew that stenched my name up everyday in class. Yes, as you can see by the email address, my name also happens to be Andrew.

You see, my name was great, until one day, half-way into the school year, a lumbering idiot came into class and spoiled my name.

And to satisfy all safe assumptions I'm sure you made, not only was I shocked to see that Knudsen can now puzzle together the complexities of a complete sentence, but he is, as I'm sure you also assumed by his affinity for the Civil War, a redneck piece of shit. He also had the haircut of a douche-bag. Six years I knew him, it never changed. I mean, I'm not asking for much. But it seemed like after Forrest Gump came out he found his perfect hairstyle and he stuck with it.

So, he was, in short, an anti-social redneck, who made me hate my own first name for many years. Then, just like the therapy clinics that I'm sure his future children will find themselves in, I had to reassure myself that, "It wasn't my fault."

I would also like to thank you, one last time, for being the lone critic, who, when it seemed as if all had been duped by Ron Howard, you alone still have not sold-out to that greedy, pathetic, soulless, Oscar-whore. I never knew Pathos could blind the masses so horribly that they could not even tell that they paid to see any movie with enough teary-eyed weepy sentimentality to make Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants look like Barfly in comparison. I say with Cinderella Man, any movie that attempts to bring about tears during its trailer is going to be an awful piece of shit.

I noticed he also critiqued you on Cold Mountain, another weepy pile of crap that could have easily been directed by Ron Howard himself, except it was Anthony Minghella, which to me is like replacing a wrecked Ford with a Yugo: hopeless. And ironically, he attempted a tirade against Big Fish, which failed, I assume, because his online dictionary broke. I thank him though—Big Fish was one of my favorite films of 2003, and now I will find myself enjoying it with a new sense of appreciation, now that I know that my future street sweeper and I don't share the same tastes.

Finally, before I close this email that I'm sure your intern has thrown away in boredom by now, I'd just like to tell you that my 14-year-old cousin hates you now. She thinks "ur sch a dik" because you recognize the existence of the Anti-Christ as she exists in society today: Hilary Duff.

Sincerely,

Andrew

P.S. In the off chance that my email is posted for whatever reason, please do not display my email address. I already receive enough unintelligible bullshit from other people who think less of me. Of course, you wouldn't know anything about amassing large numbers of emails of which the 30 percent of the emails that are even remotely comprehendible, it would be a compliment to 90 percent of those to say that they were written with about as much depth, and had the grammatical mechanics of letters you might see a nine-year-old fingerless autistic girl write to her favorite artist: Hilary Duff.

Of course, you wouldn't know anything of receiving incomprehensible emails, would you?

Alexa Camp
© slant magazine, 2005.

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