It's Valentines Day and, yes, love is in the air. Or maybe love is just in the heir (you know, that fake-as-Laura-Bush reality show where Princess Ann Claire searches for a husband and a career as a country singer?) because we've been receiving an unusual amount of hate mail lately. Now, I've never really been that interested in politics. At least not until recently, when the U.S government started invading other countries and tried to take away the rights of all my gay friends (hey, I work in fashion—what do you expect?). I try to keep my politics separate from my work, whether it's being a stylist or writing my Slant column. For instance, just because you're a Republican that doesn't mean I won't make you look hot; and just because you're a Democrat, that doesn't mean I won't make you sound like an idiot. As long as I'm gettin' paid. But it was hard not to get a little political for this round of reader mail. It seems conservatives can dish it out but they just can't take it. I mean, we lost the election. Aren't we allowed to vent a little? And speaking of venting….
RE: Pardon me…
…but you my friend, are an idiot. You liberal activists are all the same: always trying to convert the disenfranchised "lower rungs" of society to a higher way of thinking. Well did it ever cross your mind that your way of thinking is the minority because people are free to think for themselves? No, that's not it. We're all brainwashed right? Too bad you let a silly thing like politics get in the way, because you right [sic] one hell of an article.
Cordially,
Fed up
Oh, and I woke up with a rash this morning. I think I'll blame it on Clinton and those damned Democrats. Isn't that how it works?
Dear Fed Up:
I'm sure Sal will feel flattered to be called a liberal activist so I'll pass your message along. Also, I couldn't help notice that your email address is "oakcitypunk." According to dictionary.com, the definitions of "punk" are as follows:
1. a. A young person, especially a member of a rebellious counterculture group.
b. An inexperienced young man.
2. a. Slang. A young man who is the sexual partner of an older man.
b. Archaic. A prostitute.
I imagine your intention was to evoke 1a, but based on your message, 1b (or 2a or 2b, for that matter) might be more appropriate. Or, better yet, maybe you should change your handle to oakcityposer. Go ahead, look it up.
RE:
Spanglish
"The film, structured as Christian's college application essay to
Princeton, is the type of manipulative, hokily triumphant immigration story designed to engender condescending sympathy and respect from minority-craving university admissions officials."
Wow, 40 million dead babies since Roe vs. Wade will make those wacky minority-craving university admissions officials look just about anywhere to fill the seats won't it, shithead?
Steve PN
Dear Steve:
Yes, thank Jesus and Mary for all those government-sanctioned white baby killings or brown people would never get an education!
RE: 2 Very Serious Questions
1) How many baloney and cheese sandwiches could you eat while watching a Michael Bay film festival?
2) At which point during
Pearl Harbor does the baloney seem to have directed the movie?
Michael Beckswan
Dear Michael:
Mankind has been grappling with these very questions since the beginning of modern time. The world may never know.
RE:
Beyond the Sea
Hello, My Name Is Sarah Gail Moore. I'm 15 Years Old. I Love Kevin Spacey. Not Only Is He Sexy But I Think He Can Pull This Off. The Clips I've Seen Look Breath Taking And Very Cool. "Creepy" Yah Please. He Is The Most Attractive Man I Have Ever Laid Eyes On. He Can Also Dance And Sing. His Voice Is Like An Angel. His Dance Moves Are Incredible And He Looks Fantastic. Nobody Makes Fun Of GREASE Yet They Were All Older People Playing Highshoole Students.Or Maddona For Playing In The Movie Evita. Maybe If They Had Let Him Do His Film When He Wanted He Would Have Been The Right Age. Also Bobby Darin's Illness Made Him Look MUCH Older Than He Was. He Looks Like He's In His 30's. He Is In The Prime Of His Life. He Nails The Dance Moves From What I Have Seen. Me And About 900 Million Other Girls Can Agree He Is Very Handsome And Sexy. Not Old And Like A Gargoyle. So Excuse Me For Judging The Movie Before Seeying It, But The Previews Are Great. I Wen't To See A Film In Theater And The BEYOND THE SEA Trailer Came On And I Could Have Walked Out Right Then And Felt I Had Gotten My Money's Worth!!! Leave Mr. Spacey Alone. He Has Worked So Hard To Fufill His Dreams And Now I Think He Deserves An Oscar A Grammy And A Golden Globe Award For Best Directar Actor And Producer. He Tought Me To Never Give Up On Your Dreams Because They Can Come True. So I Say More Power To You Spacey. Watch Out Next Time Before You Judge His Film. Because Some People Actully Have GOOD TASTE!!!
Sarah:(
Dear readers,
I don't know about you, but I remember being a hell of a lot smarter than this when I was 15. Why do I have a feeling this girl is going to end up with a prom date who's gay?
RE:
Ocean's Twelve
Are you serious with that review? I hope by no means reviewing movies is what you do for a living. Maybe you should (should we un-underline this?) keep checking your pockets, because if you keep writing reviews of this nature you are going to find that those pockets are very empty. Hopefully some hurricane may bring an ocean to wash you right off the Slant Magazine staff.
Shane Roche
Thanks for your message, Shane. You can contribute to the Tsunami Victims Fund here. It's the least you can do after bringing devastation to the world with your creepy, telepathic hate-mail witchcraft.
RE:
The Alamo
I was at movies.com, looking at the DVD releases, and tracked down your review of
The Alamo. Now, after reading your mindless liberal-agenda infused garbage, I'm going to buy the DVD just to do my small part to spite the leftist garbage journalists like you spit out.
dano1427
Dear dano1427:
Making fat-pocketed conservatives like you waste a little bit of your disposable income makes our hearts smile. If you're a smart little Republican, you'll report the purchase as charity and it will be tax deductible! Either way, I hope you bought the DVD by clicking on the Amazon.com link provided on our review page so we can continue to spit out our leftist garbage. Ah, capitalism! What a wonderful thing.
RE:
Christmas with the Cranks
Obviously you didn't realize this "Here's one for the red states" was made in Blue States. Locations: Los Angeles, CA, USA, Chicago, IL, USA. Get over it, Kerry lost.
David Orr
Dear David:
Yes, and George W. Bush was made in a blue state too, but that doesn't stop him from shitting wherever he feels like it.
RE:
Alexander
Read [Ed Gonzalez's] review on
Alexander. I was right on the money. Gonzalez is one of those. A dimwit similar to Michael Moore—a frustrated, slob who delights in being unorthodox. Nothing wrong with that except that unorthodox people have some semblance of a brain. Moore [and] Gonzalez obviously do not have one.
Harold Schnabel
Dear Mr. Know-It-All,
Well, I hope you're happy. My mother passed away shortly after Ed read your email. All of us here at Slant Magazine want you to know how beautiful her Viking funeral was, and how brightly the flame burnt as it roasted her dead body on the salty high sea. How's that for unorthodox, baby killer?
RE:
Kinsey
Kinsey fails as a biopic by avoiding the fact that Dr. Alfred Kinsey was [an] anal retentive, bisexual, pedofile [sic] whose sexual addiction drove him to Mengelest sexual exploitation experiments on children. Is this Hollywood's Blue State answer to the Nov. 2nd Red State U.S.-wide moral majority victory? Or is it [director Bill] Condon's continuing agenda to his justify his own homosexuality (
Gods and Monsters,
Chicago) by glorifying his sexual preference through the movies? If the real truth about "Alfie" were known, the picture would have never [been] greenlighted. Come to think of it...why was it even produced at all? Check out the Red State movie,
The Phantom of the Opera. A real lock for Best Picture.
Bill Hodges
Dear Bill:
"The real truth about 'Alfie'"? Is that like the "real truth" about the divorced, anti-Semitic, spaceman-lovin', latent homosexual John Nash in A Beautiful Mind
? And speaking of glorifying sexual preference, I will eat my first born the day a Best Picture Oscar is awarded to Phantom of the Opera
(quite possibly the gayest film ever, and directed by my good friend Joel Schumacher, one of the biggest blue state queens in the business).
RE:
The Phantom of the Opera
Your review of Phantom really sucks ass buddy. You obviously know nothing about art and music and I find it remarkable you have been able to retain a job at a magazine. Maybe see the movie again, and this time don't sleep through it...
Sincerely,
Some One Who Thinks You Should be Fired
Dear Some One Who Thinks Ed Should be Fired,
In my book, a review that can really get in there and suck someone's ass is nothing short of a modern marvel.
RE:
The Incredibles
I just read your review for
The Incredibles and have to ask was this line really necessary, "The film's humorous anti-Bruckheimer agenda does succeed in exposing the bone-headedness of the average Middle American citizen who responds to tripe like
Pearl Harbor (presumably the same people who cast votes for George W. Bush)"? Do I even need to go into the rampant ignorance and seething hatred that comes from the people who vote for Kerry? If the worse you can come up with for Bush supporters is bonehead I will take it. I can certainly think of a lot worse things that typify a Kerry supporter, ignorance being right at the top of the list, which you proudly put on display. Thanks for proving me right Ed. By the way, it's Dr. Bonehead to you, now if you will excuse me I have patients to tend to. Enjoy the coffee shop and studio apartment.
Brandon May
Dear Dr. Bonehead:
If by coffee shop and studio apartment you mean anonymous sex and ecstasy foam parties, then I guess we can see eye to eye…if you know what I mean. And yes, doctor, the curtains do match the drapes.
RE:
Bridget Jones: Edge of REason
You sound like a curmudgeon.
Arunesh Ram
Dear Arunesh:
If by curmudgeon you mean "an ill-tempered person full of resentment," then yes, that's indeed what Ed is. But if you mean "a crusty irascible cantankerous old person full of stubborn ideas," then you must be talking about Ralph Nader.
RE: None
What an asshole you are. How you manage to work a dig in at Bush voters into a movie reviews is unbelievable.
Scott Peters
Dear Scott:
Well, believe it. I realize the "freedom" ya'll are fighting so hard for doesn't include the freedom to speak out against this administration, but I think I'll do it anyway. As long as there are assholes like you out there who continue to vote for people like George W. Bush, then we will continue to berate you. Now...
RE:
The Shawshank Redemption
Ed,
The Shawshank Redemption review is laughable. You've disrespected a rare, great film. But really why should I care? The movie will live on and continue to please audiences for years. This shallow critique will not change that. Still, you stink. So I suppose I have nothing to complain about. In fact, I don't know why I'm writing this.
Ryan Moitozo
Neither do I. Maybe if you keep on writing you'll negate yourself out of existence.
RE:
Ladder 49
It never ceases to amaze me when I ponder the freedoms that Americans posses, especially freedoms to say and print just about whatever we want. After reading your review of the movie
Ladder 49, I realized that you must get paid quiet well to stir up controversy...or should I say fabricate controversy. As a reader, I can see right through your desperate attempt to make yourself feel a little less guilt free from your lack of noble and self-less contibution [sic] to society. Sure, firefighters are human, thriving beings and I'm sure there are several of those humans who behave a lot less than so by committing sexual crimes. Just as there are those who like to throw insults around in efforts to esteem make themselves feel just a bit bigger than what they really are. What I'm about to say is
strictly hypothetical and is in no way, shape, or form directed to you as a threat. But let's pretend for a moment that you are rushing out the door one morning for work and accidently [sic] leave your coffee maker on. Your coffee maker overheats and catches fire and begins to burn rapidly in your place. You can rest assured that these same men that you believe to be overly worshiped are going to risk their lives, without a second thought of your character or morals, to save your precious property and possesions. [sic] The same property and posseions [sic] earned from a carreer [sic] of running these heroes names in the ground. As for your little comment about Jesus. Why don't you ask him to enlighten you [on] his life and who he is. Forget the whole holy-roller-churchy-hypocritical-thing and just ask him yourself. You can rest assured that he'll answer sincerely, if you sincerely inquire.
Ray Hagen
Hey, Ray:
What I'm about to say is also strictly hypothetical
and is in no way, shape, or form directed to you as a threat, but I spoke with Jesus and he's decided that due to cutbacks caused by the weak American dollar, there's no more room in heaven (after all, heaven is now being subsidized by the Bush administration as part of the privatization of Social Security and the subsequent financial raping of the elderly in this country) so you'll be going straight to Hell. Fortunately, all of those fornicating firefighters will be going to Hell too, so you can rest assured that these brave men will risk their lives, without a second thought of your character or morals, to save your burning ass.
RE: (no subject)
You obviously haven't read the bible, or if you had, you read it with your mind closed.
Dlantoria
Dear Dlantoria:
Personally, I prefer to read the Bible with the door closed...if you know what I mean.
RE:
Shark Tale
This film is not as shallow or ignorant as the asshole that reviewed it. The fact that anyone pays you for your opinion is frightening as hell to me. You are a closed minded clown.
BISH71
Dear BISH71:
Don't forget shallow. And ignorant. A shallow, ignorant,
closed-minded clown.
RE: hello
Dearest Alexa,
Why are your columns so dreadfully infrequent? They are ever so titillating but all too rare. It would be truly fabulous if they appeared more often. Also, I love you, acid-tongued fashionista.
Nick Leonard
My dear Nick:
Why are my orgasms so dreadfully infrequent? Why does man have such a taste for blood and war? Why? Why?! But seriously, thanks for the kind message. I've been busy getting my tongue forked.
Alexa Camp
© slant magazine, 2005.
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