RE: Dear Nick

Here's a letter from a kid who wrote me today, shortly before I Googled your review. You didn't murder this kid's soul, but be assured, that your review will murder the soul of some other kids or viewers who would otherwise get something from my film...live with yourself.

Bret Carr

Dear filmmakers of RevoLOUtion,

Hello my name is Miguel Palacios and I am a student at Lincoln High School. One of the people involved with the making of this great movie was trying to get a field trip organized so a bunch of us could go and see the movie at the Laemmle Sunset 5 but unfortunately nothing happened. Luckily one of the teachers here managed to get a promotional copy of the movie and played it for a few of us in my English class. The movie was so touching. My eyes were locked in on the screen the whole time. There could've been a huge fire going on and I still wouldn't have budged. After the movie I just kept on thinking about the main character and all he experienced. When I walked out of that classroom I felt like I was transformed. There was [sic] times during the movie that I wanted to cry. It's just that so many people can relate to the main character on so many levels. He's like a heroe [sic]. Well I have just been going crazy about the movie. I've been telling everyone about it but I just wish that I had a copy so I can show it to them. This is part of the reason why I'm writing to you. I wanted to see if you guys could possibly send me a copy of the movie so I can show it to a lot of people. I would even pay for it. I really don't care how much it would cost because I just want a copy of this masterpiece. Well hopefully you guys can help me out. I just want to say that you guys did a heck of a job with this. This movie is just so inspirational. Well thanks and bye.

Sincerely, Miguel Palacios

Dear Bret,

Shortly before reading this message you sent to our film critic Nick Schager, I received an email from my mother. Here's what she said:

Alexa, could you please pick up some Ben Gay and a bottle of red-wine vinegar on your way home tonight? I have that awful rash again and your father wants to make his famous balsamic salad with dinner. Thanks, sweetie.

Mom



RE: On your article in Slant Magazine on The Lost City

Read your review of The Lost City and as a Cuban born American, I have to say, I felt hurt when reading your article. If you would replace the term "wealthy" or "Cuban" in your article with the term "Jew" or "Negro," its barely hidden hatred and racism would jump off the page. We are all humans deserving of respect. When we lose that, we become the monsters a film like The Lost City portrays, both on the left and the right.

Thank you.

Sincerely,

Franco Barbeite
(FRANK-o bar-BAY-tee)

Funny, if you replace the term "I" with "FRANK-o bar-BAY-tee" and "we" with "my leaders, the porcupine people" in your email, you sound like a real douche bag.



RE: Saving Shiloh Review

Very funny review, and probably right on, but I have yet to see it. I'm going this Sunday and am looking forward to it for two reasons: 1) it's only 90 minutes, and 2) my niece is in it, Kimberly Kyle. The family does have a sense of humor and I have forwarded this email to my friends for kicks, but what exactly do you mean by "cunty"? Is she acting like a snobby bitch in the movie? Usually cunt is reserved for folks old enough to know better. It's hard to imagine an 11-year-old as cunty. Thanks for the clarity.

Paul Johnson

Dear Paul,

Dance music icon Kevin Aviance's debut album Box Of Chocolates includes a song called "Cunty," in which he juxtaposes the female sex organ with various flowers. The album also includes a song called "Rhythm Is My Bitch." When he says, "I am the dominator, you are the servant," he's using sexual sadomasochistic imagery to express that, as an artist, he's taking control of the music and the dance floor and that we as listeners should submit to his art like little pussy bitches. These are metaphors. So when Ed calls Kimberly's character "cunty," what he really means is that she's feeling like a flower-oh wait, actually, I think he just means she's acting like a total cunt. And in my opinion, 11-year-olds should know better.

The Queen Cunt



RE: Review of your review Cannibal Holocaust

Hi Eric,

I've just read your review of Cannibal Holocaust and I must say it's almost impossible to decipher. I pretty much gave up gaining any insight into the movie about halfway through, and just had a bit of a giggle at the way your sentences are constructed. I think it basically comes down to your overuse of adjectives and your excessively long sentences. Take the sentence below for example:

"If anyone is responsible for duping masochistic grindhouse bloodsuckers into believing that Cannibal Holocaust is about anything so much as the filmmakers' bad faith, it's Ortolani's careful compositions, which walk the tightrope between elegance and scuzz with confidence."

Can I just say holy "duping masochistic grindhouse bloodsuckers" Batman, that's enough adjectives to give anyone a headspin. Also the 38-word long sentence (that's not the worse example either) combined with a frantic, choppy style of writing make for an exhausting read. The end result is the reader winds up lost in a forest of literary pretension. I think you should try being more succinct. My favorite journalist, Hunter S. Thompson, was able to express such seemingly complex ideas, in a very palatable way. It's just a case of "less is more." Maybe you should try reading some of his work.

Regards,

Gerald Vanson

Gerald,

Let's face it. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that Eric likes it rough in bed. And if you think that sentence about masochistic grindhouse bloodsuckers was long, you should bear witness to his arduous, extended foreplay, which, I should mention, is typically accompanied by the 12" club remix of Kevin Aviance's "Rhythm Is My Bitch"…on repeat.

Alexa



RE: I'm Curious...

…what percentage of advertising dollars brought in from the ads shown on the web-page of your review for United 93 did you or your company donate to 9/11 charity funds?

Mark Janky

Approximately…none. 100% goes to the prestigious Elizabeth Taylor ANANBJ (Alexa Needs A New Boob Job) Fund. Which means I ain't gettin' shit since our ad revenue basically amounts to the cost of a bag of party balloons.



RE: United 93

And I suppose the story of Anne Frank should include a sympathetic portrayal of her executioner's family?

Your moral compass is broken. I think they call people who cannot distinguish right from wrong sociopaths.

Alan Huth

Dear Alan,

I don't know who this "Anne Frank" person is, but I'm sure she had it coming.

Alexa



RE: United 93

WTF?

Who cares what the terrorists relatives have to say? Don't you believe that terrorists are monsters?

Mark Haskin

So? I'm a whore, but that doesn't mean my parents aren't loving, garden-tending prudes…Well, there was that time Pop pimped out Mom for a handful of Amorphophallus titanum seeds, but they're extremely rare so you really can't fault him. Also known as the "corpse flower," the head emerges as if from voluminous folds of foreskin, releasing the pungent scent of rotting meat to attract dung flies to its tender, succulent stamen. It's really quite lovely.



RE: United 93

Hey Liberal...WAKE UP!!!

Mark Young

Mark!

Thanks for the wake up call! I was just having a horrifying nightmare that the neocons had taken over and invaded a sovereign nation with no cause, tried to use the Constitution to take rights away from people, altered scientific documents to disprove global warming, wiretapped our phones, and….oh, wait. Shit!

Alexa



RE: Oscar Winner Predictions 2006

Ed,

I don't know if the remark "Sorry, fag. No Oscar for you." was meant to be funny, but most people agree that word is not appropriate in any context. Just thought I'd mention that, the way I'd tell you if your fly was open.

Bob Swingle

Just like a faggot to go around looking at other men's crotches. Disgusting.



RE: No Oscar for you fag?

You some sort of troglodyte? Geez, dude. That comment was off base. You should be ashamed and probably vilified by some alphabet organization. I think I'll work on that for you.

kevin bartell

Sadly, three months later, we are neither ashamed nor have we been vilified by an alphabet organization. Although we're still collecting charitable donations for the Elizabeth Taylor ANANBJ Fund. PayPal payments can be made to alexaneedsanewboobjob@slantmagazine.com. Cheers!



RE: Little Manhattan Review

Mr. Ed Gonzalez,

I just wanted to thank you. I've been very depressed lately and couldn't bear the thought of watching another movie filled with the usual violence and gore, adultery and deception, cruelty and hatred, evil despicable characters of every ilk......well, you get the idea. So I just now got home with a copy of Little Manhattan rated PG, a sweet story about first love, thinking it might be nice, just for 90 minutes, to live in a fairy tale and forget my problems.

Thank God you saved me. Had I not gone on line and stumbled across your scathing review I may well have been subjected to the horrors awaiting me in this nasty little film. I simply had no idea there would be white people in it. And worse, they have money. And most dastardly of all: They're, dare I say it, heterosexuals. Oh the humanity!

Thank you again ever so much. I must close now to exchange this movie for a copy of Death of a Salesman and pick up a bottle of vodka.

Awaiting oblivion I remain,

Jeff Jenkins

Dear Jeff,

I'm so glad you see eye-to-eye with the staff of Slant Magazine in regard to rich, straight white people. The only thing more infuriating than a person being born white and straight is their subsequent acquisition of money, whether it's through inherited family wealth or hard work. And notice I didn't say anything about gender. That's a whole other story. There's nothing more repugnant than a rich, white, straight bitch. Especially if her first name is Hillary and her last name is Clinton. Or Duff. Or Swank. God, I hate that two-trick pony.

Alexa



RE: You Suck

Twelve and Holding is a very good movie. Unfortunately critics must be critical and you make the "typing away in the blogosphere" mistake of all third rate movie critics; you mistake assessing a movie for a snarky creative writing class. Now, that you've got the creative writing excercise out of your system, go back to being a failed (fill in the blank here) and leave independent movies that people pour their heart and soul into alone.

MISTICUB

Sure, why not? I'll play your little game. Keith should go back to being a failed…test subject in an REM sleep experiment? Profilactive shopper for Britney Spears? Fan mail coordinator for Kevin Federline? Personal grocery shopper for Nicole Richie? Personal trainer for Star Jones?



RE: End of the Spear Review

Dear Sir,

Concerning your review of End of the Spear, I'm having a bit of difficulty understanding if you have any bias for or against Christianity. Your review was so professionally written that it completely hides any personally or professionally driven slant, favor or hostility you might have. You are to be commended for this! This, truly, is the pinnacle of professional journalism, writing and reporting. I'm confident you are proud of your work. Would you mind if I use your article as a teaching tool with one of the college classes I teach? I'd like for them to see how a "real" journalist/reporter handles things like this.

Oh yeah…If you would forward your credentials to me concerning your expertise and study on the Waodani and the modern Christian missionary movement, it would add to your credibility, I'm sure.

Thanks in advance,

David Atkins
Beaumont, TX

P.S. Sorry to end so abruptly…I must go remove my tongue from my cheek. It's getting a cramp.

While you're at it, maybe you should remove Jesus's dick from your ass and then you wouldn't be spewing so much bullshit from your mouth. Toodles!

Alexa



Dear loyal readers,

I'd like to leave you with a little note of love we received this past Valentine's Day. It warmed my heart, as I'm sure it will yours. This, my fellow cockmunchers and cunt-lickers, is why we do what we do:

RE: A VALENTINE FOR SLANT MAGAZINE'S EURIDITE AND COCKMUNCHING STAFF

Just dropping you a line to tell you worms what a snide, elitist, fuckrag of a website you run. Your reviews read like the regurgitation of bitter "wanabe-but-never will be talented enough to ever get your names on a legitimate piece of art" douche bags that you clearly are. I hate every word of uptight criticism and attempts at insight that you print on your snotty website. The only time you ever come to my attention (and it's never because anyone ever mentions your site or refers me to any content of relevancy on it) is when Google decides to favor you ass bandits with a random hit. I want you sad excuses for entertainment "journalists" to feel what it's like to be singled out as the worthless hacks you collectively are. I've never read a review of any merit, substance or insight into a single film you've been reviewing ever since I sadly became aware of your existence. Why the studios continue to consider you legitimate press is beyond me. Not only do you not have your fingers on the pulse of what's hot and interesting and groundbreaking, but I don't for one second believe anyone of you pompous zits have a pulse to begin with. Get your fucking heads out of your asses and take a look at yourselves in the mirror.

Your opinions matter not one fucking iota to the general public or any real film fan of note. Clearly, you must hate yourselves so much to be spewing the slack-jawed vitriol that lathers the worthless webpages of your assclown journal. Yes, you might consider yourselves ultimately victorious for getting me to waste five minutes of my life, composing this admittedly venemous tome to your suckassedness, but it will give me great pleasure knowing that my own personal vitriol will have infected your eyeballs for five minutes of your reading pleasure and will hopefully put a slight but meaningful dent in your day.

GO FUCK YOURSELVES ONE AND ALL OF YOU!

Roy Ives

Alexa Camp
© slant magazine, 2001.

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