Slant Magazine - Stocking Stuffers

Every so often, the editors of a magazine will receive that one, glowing letter of praise amidst the endless bombardment of degrading, lowbrow and very stinky hate mail. It's the kind of letter of recognition that makes one feel as if his or her work has been worth it, even if he or she only managed to open the mind of one, solitary individual. Unfortunately, we have yet to receive such a letter here at Slant Magazine. So I continue my laborious task of sifting through Ed and Sal's hate mail. In the process, I've plucked out a few gems for ya'll to read during the holiday season. More shocking than Michael Jackson's baby-dangling escapades! More dirrty than Christina Aguilera's crotchless panties! More surprising than J Lo's third divorce! (I'm just gonna go ahead and make a safe bet on that one, folks.) So without further ado....

RE: Spirit: Stallion of the Cimarron

You are so damn stupid! Do you even like horses? [You're] lucky mustangs are even still alive thanks to the wild horse rescue places. Spirit is the best animated horse movie ever made. People like you would rather eat a horse than save them. That's why I despise people like you. I have 10 horses of my own and I have one that is 29 years of age and [the] vet thinks I should put her down but I said no because I want a horse to live as long as it possibly can. Did I mention I hate people like you? I am going to be waiting for your reply! I will be waiting!!

Breanne of Verde Vista Ranch

Dear Breanne of Verde Vista Ranch:

First of all, the reason Spirit is the "best" animated horse movie ever made is because it's the only animated horse movie ever made. Personally, I hate Mustangs. My first boyfriend tried to teach me how to drive stick-shift in his Mustang and it was the most humiliating experience of my life. I say down with Mustangs!

RE: Spirit: Stallion of the Cimarron

I guess you have never seen, ridden, groomed, or owned a horse. Have you ever seen a mare deliver a foal?

Donna LeVally

Donna:

No, Ed has never seen a mare deliver a foal but if there's one thing he hates more than those god-damned kneeling buses, it's horse placenta.

RE: Spirit: Stallion of the Cimarron

Ed, I think you [were] too hard on the movie Spirit!! I went to see it today with my little girl who is four-years-old and she was amazed and the crowd in the theater was a-cheering!!!! It was GREAT!!!!!!!!

Callit Fate

Dear Clit:

I'm glad your little girl enjoyed the movie but promise me this: please don't let her grow up to be one of these women who brags about riding, grooming and making sweet love to their horses because it's just sad. Keep on a-truckin'!

What are you, some kind of babbling idiot? did your mother and father spend good money on you to go to school, man they got ripped off. Eaz up on the big words Ed your going to hurt yourself. Don't worry Ed, some how you've fooled the people at "SLANT" that you know what hell your talking about, we wont tell 'em your a rambling idiot. But, we know your gig, free movie passes, right, even if you don't know what the hell your talking about. Maybe someday you'll have a real job. anyways have a nice day. CYA.

Rick

Rick:

If there's one thing that makes up for the fact that we have to listen to insipid comments like yours, it's definitely the free movie passes. Think about that when you're lying in your bed tonight, cold and alone and free-movie-pass-less.

RE: Undercover Brother

"A witty piece of genre deconstruction..." Is this a joke? Did you use these words to describe a movie starring Eddie-whatever in a movie called Undercover Brother? I am betting 1000 to 1 you are gay. I usually don't waste the time to e-mail any of the dumbass things I see but you take the cake for idiocy.

Robert Robison

Robbie Rob:

I am betting 1000 to 1 that you are a bigot. Just a hunch.

RE: Men in Black II

u r a faggot. will smith's rhymes are fine and the movie was light-hearted comedy. go diss "star wars" cockface.

John Stanley

Dear John Stanley:

You seem to be a fan of light-hearted comedies. I guess that makes you the faggot, doesn't it, cockface?

RE: Men in Black II

we the consumers who purchase the tickets are what make movies what they are when we buy the tickets. mibII must be good enough to make 90 million the first week. some movies never make it that far. i plan on watching it in the next hour. i wish critics wouldn't be so hard on films. i'll e-mail you with my opinion later...if you don't mind?

david

My darling David:

It's a sad, sad fact, but very true: you, the consumers, are indeed the ones who purchase the tickets which make the movies what they are when you buy the tickets.

RE: Lagaan

Dear Ed:

You have made a mistake in your review of Lagaan. In your review it says that if the British were to win the cricket match, then the villagers would have to pay double lagaan. That is incorrect. If the British won the match then the entire province would have to pay triple lagaan. Also, the cricket match only lasted for one hour. I have no idea why your sense of time is so bad but I do recommend that you get it fixed.

>:o

Dear Smiley:

Under normal circumstances, I would have something witty and clever to say but your email was so boring that I kept dosing off. For wasting my time and yours, you must pay me quadruple lagaan!

RE: Mr. Deeds

Dear editor,

Yeah sure I am a college student but where do you get off making fun of movies that are for my generation and for people who do not want to [lose] tears on some dramatic love story about two kids that fell in love in a month's time after one of them did something stupid to make them meet together the typical love dramatic story? You do not know how to have fun and to live a little that is your problem that is why the "laurence welk people" like yourself cannot just appreciate entertainment. and by the way big daddy although not an oscar award winner four times over but yet still an entertaining movie.

Bill

Dear Bill:

You have very interesting taste. To be perfectly honest, I have no idea what you're talking about, yet I feel compelled to defend these so-called "laurence welk people" you speak of. Our friends over at Zeldman.com's The Daily Report recently made this observation: "[Lawrence Welk's] eyes compel you. They can focus on nothingness, just as his voice can deliver substance without style, color, or engagement." They could very well be describing your beloved Adam Sandler. I'll leave you with this query: "Who needs Laurie Anderson when we can watch Miss Joanne Castle bang out the honky tonk on a beige-and-gold piano fringed with patriotic panty linings?"

RE: Scooby-Doo

Dear Mr. Gonzalez,

I want to be a critic so, your review stunk! Dude your supposed to tell them why or why not to see the movie not why it didn't make sense. Little kids love funny or cool so I would say this is a great movie for you Scooby Fans and little kids, why because it has hilarious events and sad events. Scooby has never done better in this movie. Anyways people hate it when you diss they're movie so try not to be harsh.

Maggie

Dear Mags:

Thank you for your interest in Slant Magazine. Unfortunately, the position has been filled and we are no longer looking for someone to kiss our asses.

RE: Jackass: The Movie

Your review of jackass: the movie was terrible. In fact most of the reviews I read that you write are terrible, but it helps because when I know you dislike something, it's probably a good movie. How about Slant Magazine terminates you? You're terrible at your job. I can't believe they pay you for this shit. I hope you're an intern.

Alex

Dear Alex:

We here at Slant take pride in that fact that many of our readers, both regulars and passersby, use our magazine as a resource. We're happy to hear that you have found a suitable fashion in which to utilize our reviews to complement your horrendous taste in film.

RE: The Ring

I read your review about the ring. This movie can't be "the perfect one" but the grade you gave it was just unbelievable. I watched the japanese version, korean version and this one today. If you gave it below a B it means you can't give anything higher than an F to any other American horror movies. I think you'll even give a C to the exorcist!

PODOLDADDY

Dear P. Diddy:

First of all, to give The Ring higher than a B would be to degrade the very fabric of the horror genre, which, up until recently, was based on A's, B's and occasionally C's. But for you to imply that we should give The Exorcist a C completely discards the fact that Slant often gives B's and sometimes B+'s to non-conformist thrillers, which would, under normal circumstances, receive C's or below. Second, Slant Magazine uses a star-system so I really have no idea what you're talking about.

RE: The Tuxedo

I am of Asian American Heritage and I do not support your writing. The other Asian Americans agree with my opinion. Your writing is repulsive.

Jilliannn83678

[Editor's Note: Jillian apparently has her finger on the pulse of "the other Asian Americans" across the country.]

RE: The Tuxedo

Hey Ed, I enjoyed your humorous review of The Tuxedo. Once again, the Hollywood stereotype of minority actors prevails in another dumb movie. Another yellow man trying to get laid by a white woman becomes another impossible feat. Same plot. No plot. Thanks for the laugh.

takoul yang

Dear Takoul:

So it seems you haven't spoken to Jilliannn83678 recently? Apparently you're the one Asian-American who hasn't fallen victim to her sick, cult-like Jackie Chan fan club.

RE: Red Dragon

Well, I dunno if you guys also have pitch meetings at Slant Magazine, but if so, yours could have gone like this:

"Alright guys, we need more people logging [onto] the website, so how 'bout doing something a bit racier than usual. How 'bout we diss the new Red Dragon movie? We already know that the dumb people that go to the movies won't be affected by us but if we completely demolish the readaptation, we could be famous! Who cares if the review doesn't bring anything new to the table? Who gives a damn about giving them some credit?? People could finally see that we are superior, intelligent human beings that understood Mulholland Drive the first time we saw it. This is our chance to step into the spotlight and be real reviewers for a change! And besides, we've got nothing to lose..."

Oh, and by the way, you CAN get a new popcorn if the one you have doesn't taste good...cuz that really isn't the movie's fault! ;)

Markie Mark

Dear Markie Mark:

The pitch meeting for your hate-mail probably went something like this: "Hmmm, I'm sitting here in my bedroom bored as fuck. I've been alternating between watching online porn and playing "EverQuest" for 48 hours straight, and my eyes and dick are both bleeding. Oh, what's this? An opinion I don't agree with? I have no life, no interests and nothing better to do with my time, so I should write to the critic and give him my two cents as if he'll care, let alone even read it. That will make me feel important and give my life meaning! God, I wish I had a girlfriend."

RE: About Schmidt

Dear Mr. Gonzalez,

With respect to your review of About Schmidt, I can only surmise that something has clearly overshadowed your perceptual abilities. Were we at the same movie? I caught it yesterday at the opening of the NY Film Festival at LC and can only judge from your review that you have seen and heard this film through a glass eye and tin ear. It is clear to me that you "just didn't git it." No doubt you will take great pride in being in the relatively small minority of viewers who will find inordinate fault with this first rate production.

Jeffrey Kaufman.

Dear Jeff:

To disagree with one of our writers is one thing, but to poke fun at him and blatantly mock his glass eye and tin ear is reprehensible. I hope you're proud of yourself. Remember, it's all fun and games until somebody loses an eye. Then it's just a game: Find The Eye.

RE: What IDIOT wrote the review for the new Goo Goo Dolls CD?

Whoever wrote the review for the new Goo Goo Dolls CD must be retarded. The reviewer is obviously deaf and handicapped to great music. That CD rocked. If you don't appreciate them there must be something wrong with you. Go listen to the same old crap you are used to listening to and bob your head like an idiot. Everyone else knows that what you consider to be good music is really torture to our ears, minds and souls. You should just go and find a job flipping burgers and taking orders because that is clearly the only job you are suited for.

Laurie Baker

Dear Laurie:

What's with people making fun of our staff's handicaps? Are handicapped people not allowed to express their opinions? Are we all supposed to work at McDonald's? If you prick us, do we not bleed?

RE: The Banger Sisters

Dear Mr. Gonzalez:

"Whose" does not mean "who has." ("Anyone my age whose ever wondered what it would be like to have Hawn or Sarandon as a mother will get a kick out of their joint scenes.") Who's doing your editing?

Steven Najarian

Dear Grammar Police:

Thanks for your help. We try to avoid mistakes as much as humanly possible.

[Editor's Note: Steven Najarian has an inferiority complex and, consequently, a long and sordid history of error-spotting (see Memorial Day Guestbook 2000). He compulsively alerts people to their mistakes at work, on the net and even in bed.]

RE: Barbershop

"It's ennobled by its simplicity but it offers nothing daring or refreshing on the topic of race or civic relations." Translation: There are no Cholos in wife-beater t-shirts, wearing hairnets and saying "ora-le ese" every five minutes. You don't have the cultural frame of reference to render an opinion on this film, homes.

P.S.

Dear P.M.S.:

Being a sand nigga and all, I keep trying to tell Ed that he has no business viewing, appreciating, intellectualizing or critiquing black films. And don't even get me started on Sal reviewing hip-hop records (he's Italian-American, since you like to harp on cultural heritage). That boy wouldn't know Method Man from Redman!

RE: XXX

"...XXX reimagines James Bond for the Playstation crowd." Seriously, what does that mean: the playstation crowd? I know a lot of individuals who play sony's little black box that range in age from 4 to 94 so that comment was ludacris and highly uneducated. Your review, however, was not and I applaud you on your 'expertly-made trash' remark.

jhjmonnee

Dear JHJ:

I'm not sure what to address first, the fact that you know a 94-year-old who plays Playstation or that you spelled the word "ludicrous" like the rapper's name. You, my friend, are a part of what we call "the Playstation crowd."

RE: Rock in Rio

What a weird review. He talks fondly of the music and then bashes their appearance. Personally, I think the guy has ears but no eyes, Steve has been my all-time dream and I dig his pants. He looks hella fine still. "Stringy haired old guys"? I think this writer probably looks like Shrek, can't get a date and is highly jealous!

maiden333

Dear maiden333:

I don't think Aaron looks anything like Shrek. Do you?

Shrek/Aaron

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