While a B-list celebrity like myself couldn't ask for a better job, one of the downsides of being a
Slant Magazine columnist is the task of sorting through the emails we receive on a daily basis. Film critic Ed Gonzalez is notorious for getting everyone's panties in a twitch with his seemingly anti-Hollywood, anti-Gwyneth, anti-everything diatribes, which is why, once again, I've been called to get down on my hands and knees and perform some (occasionally nasty but always mouthwatering) damage control. Now, while I absolutely
adore Chewbacca and Jar Jar Binks, I have to admit that I was always one of those people who never quite understood why everyone made a big deal about the original
Star Wars trilogy. I watched in horror as my brother and his friends watched all three films back-to-back and then spent hours filming risqué stop-motion movies with their Star Wars action figures and my She-Ra dolls on our father's deluxe Camcorder. So when the boys at
Slant invited me to an exclusive screening of
Episode II, I stopped to think for a minute about all the sexy men who have starred in the franchise (Harrison Ford, Mark Hamill, Ewan McGregor and, now, Hayden Christiansen) and quickly answered "Yes."
Of course, I'm now plagued with nightmares of sexless, dirty George Lucas lookalikes rubbing their man breasts against my $400 Prada shoes. The only thing scarier than seeing Natalie Portman's bosom suffocating beneath a cheap Gautier knock-off is the sight of an overweight
Star Wars fan trying to whore himself into a media screening while holding an autographed picture of a half-naked Carrie Fisher. Nevertheless, we made it in unscathed and I have to admit that I didn't
hate the movie. In fact, none of us did, which is why I'm so surprised at the magnitude of hate-mail Ed has received. Even more startling, however, is the fact that
most of it was written days before the movie even came out. These emails are not from our regular belligerent readers or even the random half-wit passersby but, rather, a more detestable class of hate-mailers: George Lucas fans. Keep checking back throughout the summer as the emails continue to pour in and I find new and witty ways to expose them for the idiots that they are.
The mere fact that you actually get payed to write movie reviews is the last shred of proof I need to rule out the existance of God. No offense but you suck. I almost want to sue for the 5 minutes of my life that I've wasted in reading your review and typing this email. To think that I actually get payed to help people.....wheres the freaking justice?
Jeff Shauger
Oooh, good idea Jeff! You should definitely sue George Lucas for those five long minutes it took you to read our review. While you're at it, get me some money for the eleven hours I've wasted watching his stupid movies. Thanks for helping us help you help us.
"The same button on her sleek spacescraft miraculously summons the ship's radar screen and transmits messages to the Jedi council." The same button (that would be the right mouse button) on my computer controls almost everything.
You Fucking Idiot
Dear You Fucking Idiot:
Congratulations. You've made a partially correct observation. According to Microsoft Windows, the right mouse button can be used to perform a plethora of functions: copy or move files, cut and paste, change fonts, draw tables and more! However
, depressing the actual right-click button does only one thing: display a short-cut menu for the aforementioned functions. For more information, visit Microsoft on the web.
Did you even see the same movie I saw? Come on, you are one of those old and retarded people who want to have the old star wars back. Do you really want the puppets back? How about you go find two socks and put them over your hands, and you will have your own little puppet show. I can't stand people like you. The same button does the same thing? Who cares? Did that really ruin the movie for you? You know that the 'x' button on your keyboard does the same thing, so wait, does that mean you have bad feelings toward your keyboard? Go find another job because the one you have, you suck at.
Christian Smith
Christian:
Ed is neither old nor retarded. And while we here at Slant
do harbor bad feelings toward our dirty, whorish keyboards, that has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that the "X" button does exactly one (1) thing: tickle my G-spot. Thanks for sharing your opinion.
Having heard the sountrack, I know enough to say that you must have the worst music taste I've ever heard of! What do you listen to? Britney Spears? N'Sync? Come on! Everyone knows that John Williams is the best thing that could have happened to Star Wars. You mention that Yoda still sounds like he's "drunk on Alanis-speak." Well for one thing, I've never in my life heard anyone, ANYONE say that! You also tell Lucas that "mixing adjectives and verbs does not wise person make." I'll tell you that you couldn't be more wrong. Yoda is one of the greatest and most loved character in Star Wars. I also don't think you can just change his voice because you don't like it. Not only is that stupid, but it makes the whole idea of his voice being drunk even more stupid in the end. I don't know who hired you or let you write this review, but honestly you and this magazine suck.
Wesley Hayashi
Hey Wes:
Yes, we're well aware that John Williams is the best thing that could have happened to Star Wars
and that makes us very, very sad. As his Royal Greenness would say: "Oops! It again I did."
Im glad that George Lucas doesnt have to please idiots like you! All he has to do is please the fans. I guess you must have been in a theatre in a galaxy far far away because the one I was in, as we were exiting, everybody was overcome with pleasure! You are obviously not a fan because if you were you would know why Yoda talks like he does. Wisdom you idiot, which you have none! Did you even watch the movie. How lame. All you movie critics are alike. To you every movie could have been better. Well if thats the case get off your a** and make the next one. Im sure you all could do a better job. Lets just say that if I went to a movie depending on what the critics said I would have never been to a theatre besides to see Titanic. Or could that have been better too? Give credit where credit is due and if I were you I would find another job. Your ratings of movies STINK!! Please reply, I would like to hear you sound like an idiot some more!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Green Family
It's a rare and proud occasion when an actor's entire family sends us an email. Having seen an eight-hour cut of Titanic
which included a very sexy light-saber fight between Leonardo Di Caprio and Billy Zane, I know
what the Yoda Family is missing. By the way, your ability to self-censor is remarkable.
Gee get a life and stop your bitching, George Lucas and Hollywood don't OWE you critics anything just sit down, put up your feet, smoke a coke? and SHUT UP stop bitching. I would really like to see you people do any better, oh right i e-mailing a critic? were is the talent and ability anyway? You people will never understand a film or Star Wars anyway? since you don't involve yourself or enjoy anything without moaning like little girls? If you can't say anything positive, don't say anything at all? And don't talk about the original trilogy either since you have no like for anything Star Wars (it just makes you sound foolish!) When this film comes out you won't even be remembered for such a crappy review anyway (bet your review is way off and badly done!) as it will make a ton of money and be a part of a larger epic story and franchise! love by many and hate by the ignorant (That means you Ed)
By Loser
Dear Loser:
According to Diana Hacker, college professor and author of The Bedford Handbook for Writers
and A Writer's Reference
, a question mark is used after a direct question. If a polite request is written in the form of a question, you may use a question mark, though usage varies. Hope this helps? If you'll excuse me, I'm going to go "smoke a coke" now. LOL! ROTF!
As a longtime fan, what I want to know (and I believe most fans) is how it places as a 'Star Wars' film, not a selection into the annual Shakespeare Theatrical Awards. You don't really even talk about the film much. It's mostly a long bitch fest about the bad dialogue and acting (something ALL the Star Wars films share, I might add). Like James Bond films, Star Wars is about escapist entertainment. Did it deliver the goods? Like Empire, did you crave for more? That's what we want to know. In the future, I suggest reviewing the movie as a Star Wars fan and not a soulless movie critic.
Cheers, Kevin
The only thing I was craving after The Empire Strikes Back
was a lil' chocolate lovin'. Do hardcore Star Wars
geeks like you ever wonder what was underneath Darth's big black robe? I was disappointed with Hayden Christiansen. I was hoping for Dennis Rodman or Taye Diggs, you know what I'm saying? On a side note, I've passed your suggestion on to the editors and they've decided to start reviewing every
film as a Star Wars
fan. And please, whatever you do, refrain from mentioning Ed's soul; it died a long time ago along with his inner child.
SUBJECT LINE: fuck you
the subject says it all
SUBJECT LINE: call me, I'm available
the subject says it all
A note to Slant would be that some form of "credentials" would be nice for your reviewers as well. SOME kind of justification of why this man's opinions should mean anything to us.
Zac Morris
Though Ed's credentials are readily available within our about us section, what we failed to mention is his past employment as George Lucas's cabana boy at Skywalker Ranch. Now, if that doesn't give him a right to tear Mr. Lucas a new asshole then I don't know what does.
Take my advice Ed.........
Next time you get a paycheck, go into your managers office, get on your knees and say "Thank You sir/ma'am... with all my heart and soul". A thousand times. Your opinion is so worthless, useless and meaningless to us that you should be damn glad slant magazine keeps you. Do you realize any half-wit could do what you do. I'll bet you went to college for this. Pretty amazing. eh??? You really don't even think for yourself, do you? I'm sure someone behind you influences or even tells you just what you're going to write. Whatever.....save some of that paycheck....you know, for when you're in between jobs.
Phill Rojas
Thank you for your interest in Slant Magazine. However, we do not offer a subscription service. You must be thinking of George Lucas's vagina.
Alexa Camp
© slant magazine, 2002.
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