Whether or not you think Fashion is a bunch of malarkey served in a big tented platter twice a year by a gang of arrogant, dramatic and eccentric designers and paraded by an assortment of anemic heroine addicts sauntering down a runway... your ass still needs to get up in the morning to get dressed. You're making a statement, whether you know it or not. Due to my rather hectic schedule (which included fitting sex icon Missy Elliott into her size 8 jeans for her new music video "Work It" and helping Christina Aguilera contract Syphilis for her new skank-fest "Dirrty"), I was only able to attend a handful of shows this season. But don't fret! Thanks to a few of my on-location correspondents (and the magic of MetroTV), I'm here to bring you my full assessment of the Spring 2003 lines. Fashion "in-laws" like wearing white after Labor Day have been tossed out the window. Cargo-pants are back with a new (new) twist. You can bid fond farewell to the peasant look. And while you're at it: imagine the mini getting a whole lot minnier. (Um, are those flesh-colored panties I see Ms. Aguilera?) Also, please keep in mind that last year the September shows were cut short. Help our economy...go spend money on all things fabulous because the American retail industry desperately needs you!

HELLO BIG PUSSY, I THINK YOU'RE IN MY SEAT

If you were at this year's ultra trashy-chic Heatherette show, chances are that you were seated snugly between perennials like Glenda "the good witch" Bailey or Andre "the giant" Leon Talley and a plush, oversized Hello Kitty. Speaking of seating arrangements, there's nothing more obnoxious than little fashion directors from obscure publications with circs no larger than your high-school newspaper throwing tantrums about being seated in the third row. Please sweetie, Jessica Shaw would tell you that tantrums are so last season!

DONNA JUST WANTS TO HAVE FUN!

Donna Karan's decision to shed the "very DK" look and opt for a more youthful collection was gutsy. Apparently Ms. Karan had an arsenal of prints (polka-dots and cherries) in storage patiently waiting for this very runway show. She had fun with full skirts but—surprise, surprise—was that patent leather I spied? On the whole it was very 50s, very colorful, very flirtatious and very non-Donna! When asked what inspired her, Karan sarcastically replied "Women, of course." Of course! Were you expecting her to say drag queens?

CARGO CRAZY CAROLINA

Had someone approached me prior to seeing Carolina Herrera's Spring 2003 collection and declared that cargo pants and skirts could be chic, I would have tossed my head back, laughed heartily in their face and snorted: "Cargo anything is obviously utilitarian and, for the most part, frumpy!" The show got off to a rather late start (insert mock-surprised IM face here). Eventually somebody cued the DJ, the lights went dim and suddenly a parade of silk cargos sashayed before my very eyes. But these weren't the Old Navy kind we've become accustomed to; it's a Carolina interpretation—the Herrera Remix if you will. Carolina's color palette was unlike any I've seen from her before. She mixed up lavenders, vibrant oranges, dark browns, brilliant sapphires, army greens and something that resembled lime. But not to veer completely from what Carolina does best, she inserted pretty paisleys, flowing organzas and a hot orange tiger-striped number. She also injected a youthful glow into her collection with buttermilk leathers and sequined metallic tanks. Overall, Herrera's show possessed a soft military je ne sait quoi.

WELL HEY THERE CHUCK!

While standing on line waiting to get checked in at the Anne Klein show, I saw Garcelle Beauvais (currently on "NYPD Blue"). Apparently the check-in chicas were unaware of who Ms. Beauvais was. Lordy, first rule of check-in is know your top editors, celebs and socialites! I didn't expect much from this collection; I mean, after all, it is Anne Klein. But Charles Nolan's second collection for AK was two words: "pha" and "nominal!" Seated in the second row, I watched astounded as my credit card racked up mental charges. (In spite of all the glamorous hype and hoopla, fashion is, of course, a business.) Mr. Nolan used hints of an architectural aesthetic with asymmetrical handkerchief hemlines, ribbon and contrast piping. But nothing was sexier than those low-slung skirts that accentuated the female hips and those short-shorts that Daisy Duke might even be reluctant to wear. Nolan re-energized the house of Anne Klein.

ZAC-ATTACK

Zac Posen is still riding the fashion "it" boy train with his sophomore show. This 22-year-old native New Yorker had Naomi Campbell and "plus"-sized model Sophie Dahl struttin' their stuff (and his new inventions) down the catwalk this time around. In attendance were stars such as Julianne Moore, Ellen Barkin, Kyra Sedgewick and Natalie Portman—other shows were likely to have front row envy. It looked like something between a lesson in geometry and Peter Pan playing dress-up with Tinkerbell. Regardless, nobody can say Posen isn't creative! And oh how I lust for that odd dress made from belted straps!

I SEE BLACK PEOPLE

In keeping with the tight and short motif of Baby Phat's past, Kimora Lee Simmons presented a helping of the same ol' thang. Rumor has it that the show was less than Phat due to uninvited guests attempting to bum-rush the doors. New York's finest saved the day but apparently not the show. I'm not saying it wasn't fun, but how many ways can one re-invent halters and jumpsuits? She be-dazzled the hell out of her leopard prints and sequined her biker jackets. I think the star-studded event (Wyclef Jean, Brittany Murphy, Vanessa Williams, Deion Sanders and the "President"'s daughter Barbara Bush) caused more of a raucous than the clothing.

NEON FIELDS

Trashier than the dynamic duo at Heatherette and hip-hoppier than Baby Phat could ever dream of being, David Dalrymple for House of Field was fantabulous. This collection demanded my attention and I willingly gave it. Nevermind that Eve, Mya and Devon Aoki (Thank you Karl Lagerfeld!) dominated the runway. I was blinded by ingenuity. The tongue-in-cheek show had hues that ranged from pastels to neons, the occasional Biggie and Tupac reference, one-legged pants, an abundance of feathers, chains and graffiti prints. A lil' bit of street, naughty co-worker and dominatrix never hurt anyone. Sad to say that the Greenwich Village Patricia Field store is closed—Pat has shifted locations further south to a new, more Sex and the City-caliber SoHo location.

WHO IS EDWING D'ANGELO?

Think SoHo but in a store tucked away on 125th street. I was invited to view Edwing D'Angelo's Spring clothing line by none other than Eddie himself. I stepped off the 1 train (yes, despite what Carrie Bradshaw and Karen Walker would have you believe, we fashionistas do ride the subway), made my way down the stairs and—my goodness—there it was, not to be confused with any other establishment 'round the way. Edwing's store (red wood floors with an element of Calvin Klein minimalism) is as easy to spot as the man himself, who was wearing a wonderfully tailored pink shirt and fitted navy pants. But that's where the simplicity stopped and in walked mucho Latin flare: the risqué play on hemlines...the men...the flamenco-esque dresses made of burlap...the men...the attitude...and oh yeah, the men. Mr. D'Angelo's clothing oozes sex. Perhaps if I put something of his on I would finally get a piece of ass. Check out his store at 3183 Broadway and tell him Alexa sent ya!

Alexa Camp
© slant magazine, 2002.

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