Ah, yes. The cockroaches here at the Slant offices are emerging from their winter slumber like Jesus on Easter morning (and fundamentalist Christians after a midnight screening of
The Passion of the Christ), the weather's all funky (as is my menstrual cycle), and the bums are scrambling to find cardboard and magic markers for their new signs. Yes, folks, it's that time of year again. It's time to get back on Atkins, bust my minis out of Manhattan Mini Storage, get a springtime colonic and clean out my nasty-ass in-box (not to mention Slant's ever-growing backlog of emails!). Of course, there's no shortage of idiots, miscreants, crazed
Passion fans, and just plain annoying bitches to deal with. You would think the increased amount of sunshine from Daylight Savings would put me in a better mood, but as Jessica Walter from FOX's
Arrested Development lamented earlier this season, "I don't have the milk of mother's kindness in me anymore."
RE:
The Missing
I just read your review of
The Missing. It is seems clear from your review that film critics are basically bottom feeders that would probably never make it in real journalism if given a chance, and thank God most don't get a chance. It also reinforces my opinion the film critics are useless people with little to do in life that produces any meaningful benefit to society. Most have their heads firmly implanted up a small hole at the base of the spine and their view of the world clearly reflects that condition.
Jon Winter
Dear Jon:
What is a "real" journalist exactly? Jayson Blair? Stephen Glass? Jack Kelley? Billy Bush?
RE:
Punch-Drunk Christ
Dear Mr. Gonzalez,
Your review of
The Passion of the Christ is extremely biased. I understand that this is acceptable in a magazine. However, I am a Christian and I do not feel that I "need" to defend this film from all of the excessively ridiculous and out-of-place commentary. Have you ever read one of the passages of the Bible where Jesus is crucified? The events from the movie are non-fiction! I will not be receiving any more emails from Slant Magazine. Perhaps you should go see the movie again without a predetermined opinion.
Thank you,
Matt McC
Dear Matt:
Have you ever read that issue of Newsweek
where Janet Jackson revealed how she gives herself coffee enemas in order to wash away the "sad cells"? Well, I'm giving myself one right now in order to wash away all of your Bible-banging hate.
RE:
Starsky & Hutch
I know you are a paid movie critic, which means you know what you're talking about with movies. The only problem with that is you don't know how to review a movie. Try actually watching a movie as a movie instead of watching a movie against other movies. You shouldn't try and prevent people from seeing good movies in your opinions, although you may be right that one time so people actually believe your review, you're cheating them out of seeing a good movie.
I love you,
Matthew Danger
From bottom to top, from top to bottom...
Dear Matthew:
I love you, too, my little babbling lush. Cheers!
RE:
Punch-Drunk Christ
Try watching
The Passion of the Christ again. This time, focus on what Jesus did, not why He did it. When you understand that He willingly went to the cross because of who He was, then you will see the reason.
Maybe.
Rick
Dear Rick,
Maybe you should try reading Ed's critique of the film again. This time, focus on what He says, not why He says it. When you understand that He willingly wrote his editorial because of who He is and what He believes, and not because of who you think He's supposed to be or what He's supposed to say even after He's done or said it, then—and only then—will you see the reason He said what I think you thought He meant.
Probably.
Alexa
RE:
Punch-Drunk Christ
Pornography is a Latin-based term that literally means "writing about whores" and is used to describe material meant to cause sexual excitement. I honestly don't believe that was Gibson's intent when making
Passion of [the] Christ.
Rick Segrest
Rick,
Obviously you're not gay. Because Jim Caviezel sexually excites me, and I'm a whore who's difficult to please. That said, "pornographic" can also mean "Lurid or sensational material," or, as our friend Betty Bowers calls it in her review of the film, emotional masturbation: "A psychotic need to revel in two hours of seeing someone else tortured solely in hopes of making oneself cry."
RE: Offensive
For someone who likes to stand on such a moral highground, I was nearly offended by your review of
Ned Kelly. What was with using words like "masturbatory" and "comes" in the review? They didn't seem to have a real point in the review—there are other ways to communicate your point. Considering anyone can read these reviews, and considering you like to act "good," I thought your word choice in this review was non-professional.
Jess
Jesus, Jess. No need to bust a nut. You mean to say there are other ways to plant the seed of displeasure when a movie doesn't make us cream our pants? It sounds like you need some emotional masturbation (see above). Or maybe you just need to go crank one out and take a nap!
RE:
Something's Gotta Give
Can I just take this initiation to file a small complaint against one of your critique's; (sic) Jeremiah Kipp. Towards the end of the review for
Something (sic)
Gotta Give he used an extremely offending four-letter word. There was no need and the point could have been applied in a more subtle way. I was surprised that that particular word was printed. I thought the Internet automatically crossed out these type (sic) of expletives, especially at pre-watershed times. Can I request that in [the] future Mr. Kipp be less "forward" and realise there is a reading audience out there who find these type (sic) of remarks extremely uncomfortable and tasteless.
Regards, Janana Shah, London-based resident.
Dear Prudence McPrude:
Shit, bitch. You and Jess should get together, straddle some mirrors and examine your frigid coochies. I host Femininity Eploration parties every other Thursday at Bally's. Drop me a line and I'll sign you up!
RE: Courtney Love
Just read your "opinion" on
America's Sweetheart. All I could think of while reading your piece was that you saw her in a bar one night, went up and begged to let you fuck her, and she calmly replied, "Fuck yourself." By the way, have you ever listened to something more than once?
Just an "opinion."
Kid
Listen Kid:
If by "fuck her" you mean "punch her in the gut, take away her kid and throw her in rehab," and by "calmly replied" you mean "incoherently shrieked with spit flying out of her mouth while stumbling over Sal's giant cock," then yes, that is exactly
how it went down.
RE:
The Cooler
You sir, are an idiot.
The All-Knowing Idiot.
Well, I suppose you would know.
RE: Racism
Yeah, the fact that you blatantly hate the country that gave you the opportunity for your piss-poor job is bad enough, how about you keep it out of your reviews? You might as well collude with the evil you obviously worship you sick fuck. By the way, your halfwit reviews of
We Were Soldiers and
Black Hawk Down reflect the exact amount of history you know: that is to say NOTHING you freaking moron. Get an education...oh…wait…you work on online movie reviews...how quaint. Wow. Make your mental lackings a little bit more obvious. Good job, you're an idiot.
Dune Forsaken.
Hey D.F.:
This isn't the first time George W. Bush has sent us rambling emails under thinly-veiled pseudonyms.
RE:
Mulholland Drive
I read your interesting review of
Mulholland Drive. I've now read dozens of reviews and am looking for one in which the reviewer reveals the bottom line (Diane Selwyn is Judas Iscariot, Rita/Camilla Rhodes is Christ, Adam is man...), and have found none. Is this because the idea is that you're supposed to figure it out for yourself or is it because no one's figured it out?
Patrick Trombly
Hey Patrick:
There's a certain appeal to your creepiness, but I'd be careful if I were you with all these Jesus freaks hanging around this site lately. I don't think they'd take too kindly to you slapping tits on their messiah.
RE:
Peter Pan
You're really rather sick and pathetic—gay subtext in
Peter Pan because of a quarter-second shot of two naked butts and Peter is bare-chested while he saves Tinkerbell's life? Do these need to be explained to you? From Victorian strait-jacket morality to naked liberation (kind of like skinny-dipping on a hot summer's day), welcome to Neverland (a land populated by naked, free "out of the system" spirits—pirates, Indians, and mermaids). And Peter's leafy costume is exactly what he wore in the book—remember, he's called PAN and if that doesn't mean anything to you, then look it up. Is "Slant" supposed to be some kind of deranged Christian, "Focus On the Family" type rag? You, with YOUR words, exhibit a kind of stunted, confused masculinity that is endemic today. Maybe you ought to grow up yourself, if you can, and find out what a real man is before you subject an innocent public to any more of your puerile words and attitudes.
Tom Osborne
Yes, that's exactly what we are, a deranged Christian "Focus On The Family"-type rag. Two naked butts and a bare-chested man-boy saving Tinkerbell's life? That sounds pretty damn gay to me. And by the way, the only definition of the word "pan" that makes any sense to me is "To criticize or review harshly." That's right. I said it. Now bugger off.
RE:
Cold Mountain
Ed, you suck at writing movie reviews. "Romance dutifully trivializes race and war" in
Cold Mountain? First of all that sentence doesn't even make sense. Race itself is not an "issue" nor is "war." Talking or sharing opinions about race and war makes them "issues." I guess you could say that, yes, romantic themes are more present than race themes in
Cold Mountain but how, exactly, do they "trivialize" war and race? First of all war is a huge theme in the movie. Did you want a Ken Burns documentary? As far as I could tell there was a hell of a lot more war than romance in the movie. The romance is desparate and always heavily shadowed by the destruction all around the characters. But then again "Romance" is an "issue" so whenever it is present it is frivolous and blocking out really serious issues. Did you just graduate from college or something?
Now the "race" issue. Gimme a break Ed. What were they supposed to do, pretend there were no blacks in the south? There sure as hell were. Millions of African-Americans lived in the south Ed. And you know what, they were slaves. The whole war was fought to prevent southern secession as a reaction to the election of an anti-slavery president. Did you expect to see Cliff fucking Huxtable on your screen? I love this little multi-culti gem, "Who cares about race as long as we know that Law's Southern gent wouldn't kill a family of scared-as-shit African Americans for their basket of chicken eggs?" Wah, wah, wah. You're right Ed, this movie is totally racist! It actually depicts blacks as slaves, who were scared, in the south, during the Civil War! How racist! Can you believe the nerve? As long as there are white lead characters any inclusion of minorities is automatically "racist." Right? Good thing you didn't miss Class, Race, and Cinema seminar last quarter!
You also must care an awful lot about the Civil War, Ed. Because the "Civil
War exists only to deter Ada and Inman from power-fucking." How enraging.
That really makes you mad, I can tell. Hey Ed, it's make-believe, okay? It's a fucking movie with strong romantic themes set during the Civil War. It stars two hot-ass movie stars who I personally enjoy seeing nude in a passionate embrace. So does the rest of the world, moron. Did you want Jude Law and Kidman to give a series of lectures about troop movements and slavery issues during the Confederate collapse?
Hey Ed, I won't even start with "his atlas-shrugged pose guarantees that you won't see his dick." When will the outrages end Ed? How long must we suffer?
Oh, out of curiosity I read your review of
Big Fish which you compared favorably to
Cold Mountain.
Big Fish was the biggest heap of crap I have ever seen. You know nothing about movies, okay? I've read two of your reviews, and your 0 for 2.
Andrew Knudsen
Andy:
How long must we
suffer, Andy? If I've said it once, Andy, I've said it a thousand times: Ed is not for sale, Andy.
Like Christ on the Cross,
Alexa
RE:
Monster
Jeremiah,
Hey, congrats on writing for Fangoria and all, but don't you think you're a little short on qualifications to give a review like that? (BTW, I know you have a B.F.A., but B.F.D. The grips on
Monster probably have more practical knowledge about filmmaking than you'll ever have. And your "job" at New Line? Why don't you just tell people that you're the office cocksucker?) At least you were able to reference Abel Ferrara and Zoe Lund. Gosh, you're so smart.
T. Kelley
Hey T, any relation to R? Your ability to use so many acronyms in one sentence boggles my fucking mind.
RE:
House of Sand and Fog
Once again you show yourself to be the biggest idiot reviewing films today. Nice work. You are an excellent reverse barometer. You give sentimental drivel like
Big Fish 4 stars, which is bad enough, but you rate crap like
Mona Lisa Smile and
Calendar Girls higher than
Sand and Fog. Your credibility rates a big fat zero. Keep up the good work Ed.
Mark Hillman
Hiya Mark:
Oh, I can think of a few other film critics more worthy of your prize, but I'll gladly accept the award on Ed's behalf. We'll put it right on the wall right next to our Calendar Girls
nudie calendar and our autographed poster for Mona Lisa Shitpile
.
RE:
The Return of the King
I just read your review of
Return of the King. And I laughed. And remarked on what a complete git you are. Christian allegory. CHRISTIAN?! Obviously, you're completely oblivious to scholarly thought and apparantly, have no idea of where to find such thought. Because had you done your research, you would know that the first printing of The Hobbit's cover was bordered by Norse runes (Elder Futhark, to be exact). You would also know that in Norse mythology, there is an Upper Earth, commonly called Valhalla, a Lower Earth, or the underworld, and Middle Earth, where man dwells. Hence, Tolkien named his world Middle Earth. Shall I go on? Because I can.
Sincerely,
Shelley A. Duncan
Lover of Tolkien's work since age 9
Reader of Norse Runes
Historian
Mythologian
Proud Pagan
S.A.D.,
No, dear, there's no need to go on. We believe you. Now, when you say "I remarked on what a complete git you are," who were you remarking to
exactly? A hobbit? A dwarf? An Orc? Comic Book Guy? I don't know what the fuck Elder Futhark is (nor do I give a flying Futhark), but I do know that this is the Creepiest. Email. Ever.
RE:
The Missing
I just read your review on
Missing. Almost all the real critics praise the movie, but then they address the work itself, not their disdain of Ron Howard specifically and southern people generally. I personally have a 3.9 GPA at Harvard, but because I speak with a southern accent I'm sure Heir Keith Uhlich would call me a balding, small-penised buffoon.
J. F. Knight
Look, JFK, we're sorry to hear about your shortcomings, but was it really necessary to flaunt your "3.9 GPA at Harvard"? Even "President" Bush went to an Ivy League university. In the meantime, please refer to our sister site, Penis Enlargement Magazine, for ways of fixing that little problem of yours.
RE:
The Lion King
No offense but you suck at movie reviews.
The Lion King is the best damn movie in the world and anyone with a brain can tell that. That's why it made 400 million in its first year. And why everyone in the world knows its name.
The Lion King wont go away no matter what you people with skewed ideas as to what good movies are keep trying to get it to go away. The Lion will always roar…and always be King!
And in case you're wondering I'm in my 20's and I know lots of
Lion King fans who are 20 or older.
Jeff
You tell it girl! Lion King
FOREVER! Join my Lion King Fans Over 20 Fan Club. I just uploaded a hot-ass pic of Simba shirtless!
Alexa Camp
© slant magazine, 2004.
More Letters From Camp
