Slant Magazine - Tomb Raider: Alexa's Sci-Fi Adventure

ObG why me? It's that time of year again! I needed to visit my gynecologist for my annual. Along with my primary care physician and dermatologist, my gyno doesn't have the foggiest clue as to who I am. Why you ask? Well, because I rarely go. They are, as they say, "the last resort." So, off I went! I signed in. Sat down. Read a pamphlet about venereal diseases. Was asked to fill out additional insurance forms (like the book I wrote last time I was there didn't provide them with sufficient information about my vagina). Peed in a cup. My blood pressure was taken and I was weighed (ugh!). Then I was escorted to a separate seating area, as if to inform me I'd passed round one. Read a pregnancy magazine.

The nurse, who looked suspiciously like Shannen Doherty (of "Little House: A New Beginning" fame), leads me into Exam Room 6 where I changed into a pink flimsy gown and awaited the stirrup. After 40 minutes, the doc walks in. She molests my boobs. Tells me to slide down to the very end and brutally wedges a foreign object inside me. ("God, I hope I don't fart in her face," I think to myself.) Takes a swab. Pulls the object out. (I hold back fart.) She then sticks her gelled-up, cold hand in me and feels around all the while chatting about her upcoming vacation to Mexico with her family.

I want her out. Now.

She finally tells me she's all done. Reassures me things look good down there. Leaves. Feeling violated, I get dressed. I pick up my prescription for oral contraception and exit stage left. I recount my visit only to inform you of how agonizing the doctor's office can be. And unless you're a woman (and no, you're inner Queen doesn't count), you just don't know. I'm also telling you this pleasant tale to remind you of the real-life sci-fi women live every day. I was beginning to think I was on "Scare Tactics."

So I get home and find a message from the Slant Boys, who, as it turns out, have grown from a duo to a few….or a slew…or something like that. More writers, more hate mail to attend to. One of the new film critics, Jeremiah Kipp, apparently wrote this review of X-Men 2 that some mistakenly deemed homophobic. Now, while Slant has never been a politically correct rag (in fact, our motto is, quite simply, "Score Press Passes & Offend The Masses!"—okay, maybe that's just my motto, but I digress), anyone who knows us or has read more than one of our reviews knows that we are anything but homophobic. We're homo-riffic! Homo-rageous! Homo—well, you get the point. Of course, we adore Bush, I mean bush, but we still love gays. Tara Reid and Paris Hilton, on the other hand, we could do without.

RE: Matrix Reloaded

I'm sure you'll respond to my email in a similar manner as when you responded to my email regarding Star Wars: Episode II - Attack of the Clones. Oh wait a second, you didn't respond. Some cunt named Alexa Camp did.

I can't help but notice that you ALWAYS give a rotten review to the big summer blockbusters. Since you seem to hate every blockbuster then why would I care about your opinion? Take a lesson from the average cow who's learned that every time it touches the electric fence it receives a jolt. I guess you're not as bright as the average farm animal because you haven't learned that lesson. In Ed's voice, which probably sounds a lot like Forrest Gump's: "Gee, every time I see one of these blockbusters, I seem to hate them. I sure am bright for continuously seeing things that I don't like."

You're a joke dude.you're like a racist.you think you're entitled to your ideas because we live in a free society but in actuality you're just a self-centered prick who most likely doesn't have a creative or passionate bone in his body. Have the balls to respond to this email instead of relying on Alexa's 3rd grade retorts. While I'm experiencing the Matrix Reloaded I'm sure you'll be somewhere writing you're next negative review.

Jeff Shauger

Hey Jeff,

First things first, I'm going to ignore your personal attacks because, quite frankly, I've been called worse and, hey, there's a lot to be said for a 3rd grade education. Second, if you're last letter was able to catch the attention of the Philadelphia Inquirer's film editor, your latest gem should at least get you an op-ed in the New York Times. Third, while Ed would love to be able to personally respond to all of his fanmail (and I use the term loosely), he's much too busy writing his negative review of Tomb Raider 3: Lara Croft Vs. Stay Puft Marshmallow Man to read your insipid messages, let alone reply to them. In fact, our lil' Forrest rarely leaves his Dungeon of Criticism for fear of those pesky electric fences!

P.S. Here some Blockbusters Ed has enjoyed in the past: Jack Frost 2: Revenge of the Mutant Killer Snowman, Pumpkinhead II: Bloodwings, Baby Geniuses, Allan Quartermain and the Lost City of Gold, Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot, Santa With Muscles, Barb Wire, Skyscraper, Cool As Ice and The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas.

RE: X-Men 2

Your review of X-Men 2 is the single most idiotic opinion ever written by a being with ten fingers and ten toes. To quote the reviewer, whom I hope works for free, the review "fails in almost every single way you can think of." You really should consider hiring someone who actually watches the movie before reviewing it. Try hiring someone with an understanding better than that of a 3 year old retarded zebra.

Alex Herrera

Three years ago when Ed fired a pregnant, teenage wallaby, we never anticipated the firestorm of controversy we'd receive from local wildlife. Since then Slant Magazine has been closely aligned with LETA (League for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) to avoid discriminating against all forms of wildlife journalists—yes, even mentally-handicapped infant zebras, who happen to have only one enlarged toe.

RE: Matrix Reloaded

LISTEN MAN. OBVIOUSLY YOU GUYS DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT THE MATRIX AND ITS SEQUEL RELOADED HAS DONE TO CHANGE THE STYLE, COMPLEXITY AND QUALITY TO OTHER MOVIES. THIS MOVIE NOT ONLY BRINGS ALL AUDIENCES TO WATCH IT, BUT ITS ALSO MADE TO COMPETE WITH OHTER MOVIES AND IF YOU CAN'T EXCEPT IT FOR WHAT IT IS THAN YOU MIGHT AS WELL WATCH PORN MOVIES FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIVES. YOUR ARTICLE TOTALLY SUCKED, BECAUSE NOT ONLY DID I NOT UNDERSTAND IT, BUT YOU DEFINATELY SPOKE SHIT. TOO MUCH OF IT AT THAT. LET'S SEE YOU MAKE A MOVIE FARM BOY. ME AND MY BROTHER HAVE SPENT 6 YEARS PERFECTING THE STORY, WE'VE PUT MONTHS OF WORK, DAYS AND NIGHTS OF SWEAT AND SHIT INTO THE SCRIPT. THE PROJECT STILL ISN'T FINISHED, WE'VE STILL GOT TO DO A LOAD OF EDITING FOR THE 3RD (RESOLUTIONS) [sic] MOVIE. YOUR FREE TO CRITICISE ABOUT ANYTHING BUT DON'T USE SUCH FUCKING LANGUAGE FOR A MOVIE THAT U HAVE ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO ABOUT SHIT RAG. HERE'S MY MESSAGE TO YOU ASS WIPE, SUCK DUPE AND BE SCOPED.

LARRY WACHOWSKI, DIRECTOR OF THE MATRIX TRILOGY.

Now, assuming you are who you claim you are (which you're not), and assuming we take our reader mail seriously (which, quite clearly, we don't), I have one thing to ask you: when you say "suck dupe and be scoped," is that some kind of reference to the sick sex games you play with your professional dominatrix/lover, Ilsa Stix?

RE: Matrix Reloaded

Dear Ed

I have never even heard of your magazine but can already see that it is crappy. Matrix rules. Sorry about all the kick ass special effects and sweet ass action. Maybe next time they will make it a little more gay for people like you. Idiot. Sincerely

Your Mom

Dear Mom,

Conversion Camp is great. After our morning electroshock treatments, we all get together in the mess hall where we're forced to penetrate a blow-up doll of Tiffani Thiessen. For lunch we eat bison burgers, made of 100% grass-fed buffalo. After lunch, we're usually treated to a triple feature. Last night it was Ben-Hur, Spartacus and Spice World. Nights here would be so lonely if it wasn't for Teddy.

Toodles,

Al

RE: X-Men 2

Have u ever even seen X-Men 2? Only a dumbass blind man who eats his own shit would say that type of bullshit!

LASTETANICAS

To borrow an adage from my old friend The Complainer: "Well Nick, u know u can feed a blind man dogshit, but he's still gonna taste it. Don't ever let anyone try and con u into eating shit."

RE: X-Men 2

I've been trying to read some of your movie reviews, and it makes me wonder how you got a job. Some advise next review you write, try being a little more creative. You have successfully misused every single one of the most cliche bad-movie terms imaginable. You don't make me angry, just sad.

FlyerzRule

Hey Fly Guy

I have to agree. If you thought the bad-movie cliches in Jeremiah's review were insufferable, you should have seen the ones we left on the cutting room floor: "X-Men 2 is X-crutiating! It's like eating X-crement through your eyeballs!" and, my personal favorite: "Forget SARS! Someone call the Centers for Hunk Control because Hugh Jackman's pectorals are contagious!"

RE: X-Men 2

Stop reading too much into movies, it's not good for your health. Go back to your liberal conspiracy hole you pompous, homophobic bitch! Enough with your bitter, petty Bush-whacking like comments, you got enough whacking going on already! Why are you even writing for an Internet trash rag like Slate? A word of advice the next time, by some miracle you are asked to review a movie, avoid the reefer before watching it!

Andrew Morris

Dear Andrew

We've forwarded your message on to the editors at Slate, who, like everyone here at Slant Magazine, like to squeal like little bitches when someone invades their conspiracy holes.

RE: X-Men 2

If you want to watch X2..don't expect anything else. If you want reality..go see Titanic buddy.

DJ Sky

Hey Mr. DJ:

Titanic truly is one of the great realist masterpieces of our time. Before seeing James Cameron's epic I had no idea they had contact lenses, filtered cigarettes, set-screw speed rail fittings, "Kingsdrew" buttons and ice fishing at Lake Wissota back in 1912!

RE: X-Men 2

Dude you don't know what you are talking about, and how in the hell did you get your job from talking out of your ass? I mean give us all a break man this movie is one of the best summer movies of all time. So do us all a favor and shut up. Thanks for your time.

Tina Cragun

Dear Tina:

Again, we pride ourselves on being an equal opportunity employer. All qualified sphincter muscles are given the same consideration as everyone else, even this ghastly looking one.

RE: X-Men 2

Dear Jeremiah,

I have to say, you had better thank your employers every time you see a paycheck, because your review of X2 was one of the worst pieces of drivel I have ever read, and I read tons of drivel. The garbage that spewed of your fingers on to some unfortunate computer was atrocious. You analogies were weak, your need to compare homosexuality to some current situation in Hollywood, while injecting a point of view on Homeland Security, was the weakest I have seen. Now, I know once you read that last line I typed you may be thinking, I conservative Republican (if there is another kind), but I am neither.instead I am an appreciator of good writing, and incisive analysis, and your review provided neither. Your boss is wasting his money on you.

Sincerely,

David Hannon

Dear Dave:

Meesa also an appreciator of good writing but if there be two things I like more than a sexy piece of nomenclature at the end of a good sentence it's a recently violated keyboard.

RE: X-Men 2

[Jeremiah's] review of the X-Men 2 was a bizarre rambling with very few references to the actual film. Instead he lectures us on the minor threat that mutants actually pose to Whitehouse security and keeps making weird and badly out of place comments about Gay people. Which as far as I can tell had nothing to do with this film at all. Maybe he could review the 'Wizard of Oz' next and spend 80 percent of his review explaining that roads aren't really made out of yellow bricks and the improbability of building a city completely out of Emerald. Oh and of course taking a few shots at the Tin Man for blatantly pushing his gay agenda on the people of Oz. Where the hell do you get these reviewers? A mental ward?

Todd Bradford

Dear Todd

Funny you should mention The Wizard of Oz. Here's an excerpt from Jeremiah's review of the film (which was published in "Gay Conspiracy Bi-Weekly" in December of 1939): "Emerald is a type of Beryl, or 'Beryllium aluminum silicate,' frequently found in pegmatites and certain metamorphic rocks along with quartz, microcline, and muscovite. Its chemistry is Be3Al2Si6O18 while its hardness is 7 1/2 to 8. So you see, due to its viscosity, it would have been virtually impossible for the people of Oz to build an entire city out of emerald gemstones. Even if one could acquire emerald stones in the required size and quantity, the building structures would never be able to withstand the force of nature and man, even in Oz. And it wasn't the Tin Man whose agenda was questionable, but that of homo-maker Judy Garland. What's next for our anointed high priestess of gay iconography? Drunken performances on network television?"

RE: X-Men 2

Nice review of X2, Jeremiah. Your mix of whacky left politics and "in the backside" sexuality shows you to be one of those nutjobs society has marginalized. Keep fighting the good fight!

Jay McFarland

Dear Jack McFarland

When you say "in the backside" do you ever jut your lower body to the side and point your finger toward your ass? Because I do it all the time. In fact, I'm doing it right now!

RE: X-Men 2

umm.what kind of weed were you smoking when you reviewed x2? can you do better production design? this is x-men, not fucking The Hours or whatever gay movie you like watching. its called a SEQUEL. what are they gonna do, make up a DIFFERENT message? you dont have to listen to the message if you dont want to. you pick the most retarded things to bash about in a movie. i dont even know how you even fucking got a job as a reviewer. what the fuck is this retard site you work for anyway? you should just review videogames on xbox.ign.com and bitch about how HALO doesnt have a smooth framerate.

Victor Caoyonan

I agree. Don't get me wrong, Halo is a great game. But the graphics framerate is a real bummer, the age-old bugbear, even in the age of the Next-Next Gen console! It's not that Halo chugs along at an infuriatingly slow and irritating manner (like Red Faction on PS2 did when things got busy, but I digress!), it's just that Halo doesn't scream along at high-pitched, high-end PC rates (60fps+), it's "locked" at about 30fps, which, in all honesty, is still very impressive! What's more impressive is that the framerate very seldom drops below this mark! But that's just my humble opinion. In the future, please direct all video game queries to me personally.

RE: Spellbound

Who is this guy? He writes movie reviews on Rotten Tomatoes and he's horrible. His place of work is Slant Magazine, according to the website. Have you read any of these? His latest one on Spellbound was hallarious. All I can do now is laugh at his lack of "everything"!

Thanks,

Matt

Yes, I read Slant Magazine from time to time. Kudos for your really obscure reference to my favorite fight scene from In the Bedroom! By the way, it would behoove you to re-watch Spellbound. It's really hallarious! [Throws head back and laughs h-e-a-r-t-i-l-y.]

RE: Spellbound

Your ridiculously pissy swipe against "Spellbound" has got to be the most wrong-headed, misguided and childish movie review that I have read all year. Congratulations. You're as charismatic as burnt toast.

Mark Tapio Kines

Mmmm. Toooooaaaaast. So charismatic! Lures me to its bed!

RE: The Lizzie McGuire Movie

I am one of those "soulless" teenage dreamers, and if it were not for us the movie business would be a flop. Therefore, I would appreciate it you did not use slanderous terms about the people who are responsible for you recieving your paycheck. Reality check, our world is dominated by teenage culture and you need to take a step back and learn to live in it.

Brenton Nesemeier

How's this for a Sci-Fi thriller: The Bush Twins are coked up in some motel with Ashton Kutcher while President Amanda Bynes sits in the Oval office debating foreign policy. She orders Secretary of Defense Hilary Duff to make a trip to the United Nations, where Colombian dictator Justin Timberlake is forcing his interns, Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen, to blow up several South American villages believed to be exporting cocaina to los Estados Unidos. Along the way they teach young, underprivileged Colombian teens the power of Prada and Manolo Blahnik.

Alexa Camp
© slant magazine, 2003.

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