Hello, it's me again. Don't you know it's hard to keep a good woman down? Then again, maybe that could be fun [
with head thrown back causing dyed red hair to cascade back dramatically]! The boys at Slant asked me to root through their inboxes and respond to some of their reader mail (apparently their unemployed asses are too busy playing old-school Nintendo). Only the most absurd, obnoxious and downright pompous letters have been selected for your reading pleasure. So here goes. Names have remained in tact to persecute the intellectually challenged.
FROM: Pretentious Melissa
RE: Moron-oxy
"To engage in an ad hominem critique of your impotent 'review' of
Vanilla Sky would undermine the multiplicity of intellectually challenging themes presented with macabre brilliance. Err-apparent is the feeble, microwave mentality that accompanies your childlike-expectations to the theatre, with a disappointing 'the pen is mightier than the sword' showcase of your literary muse to resolve personal inadequacy. ABRE' LOS OJOS!"
Querida Melissa,
¿Tu hablas español? Mis ojos estan abiertos, puta. Si veo Penelope Cruz en la calle, la voy a cortar. Coochi, Coochi!
Alexa No Hay Banda Camp
FROM: dpa6
RE: [none]
"Your review of
Black Hawk Down is typical of the assholic, Hollywood type, world worker's party, cynical bullshit that excreted from LA. You probably have no idea what the mission was about in Somalia (because you were probably too busy watching soaps and talking about the latest teen heartthrob). You probably have no exposure to how people in the military actually talk and therefore criticize the dialogue of Black Hawk Down (yeah, it may sound cheesy, but they will say things that to most people do sound cheesy). Second of all, like most Hollywood types, you don't want a movie that simply stays true to life and shows a story as it was, instead you wan a moralizing (except not the Bruckheimer type, but the typical FAR left wing moralization that comes from Hollywood). You want voice-overs and some sappy, anti-American, Europhillic sentiment. By the way, I am no right-wing Buchannite, rather I am an educated middle of the road American who is neither Republican nor Democratic. I am a typical American who is fed up with Hollywood either being jingoistic OR completely cynical and anti-American."
Dear dpa6,
The graphic photos Ed brought back with him from his anti-female circumcision campaign in Somalia were amazing! Only yesterday I was telling Susan Lucci that some of those women over in Mogadishu could use some of her faux pearl earrings.
Alexa
FROM: Blueforkim
RE:
I Am Sam and
The Business of Strangers Reviews
"You used the terms inner cock tease and inner bitch to refer to the characters of the women in the films The Business of Strangers and I Am Sam. This is not clever or hip. It's stupid and outright woman hating and I'm calling you on it."
Dear Blueforeskin,
Get your dick out of my ass, girlfriend.
Alexa
FROM: CANNOM
RE:
A Beautiful Mind
"what an ass!"
Dear Ass Looker,
That's right, honey. Ed's got a beautiful ass AND a beautiful mind.
Alexa
FROM: Lydia
RE: Your Reviews!!!!
"I have read some of your reviews and I personally think that you lack any
real musical taste. FOR instance you Slam R. Kelly's
TP-2.com and you praise Erykah Badu's
MaMas Gun, keep in mind I am a financial Erykah Badu fan, but the album sucked big time. I was convinced you clearly must have been mistaken or referring to someone else's album. You should be fair and give credit where credit is due, and she does not deserve any in this instance, yet you give her praise. Why? Everyone in my office was confused by your obvious but kissing in some instances rattling that seems to go on when you are reviewing an artist. I just felt that someone should make you aware, that either your listening with the music turned up to high, or with complete and total disregard for what you are hearing. Your obvious Bias Sucks..You should learn to be more honest and open minded."
"Lydia"
Dearest "Lydia,"
I think it's fabulous that you're financially supporting Ms. Badu, but I'm sure she can take care of herself. And yes, Sal was not only listening to the album too loud but it was actually an old Slayer LP. Yours,
Alexa
FROM: Brandi
RE: R. KELLY REVIEW
"Dear
PATHETIC Sal,
Just writing in response to the R. Kelly reviw that you did on-line with slant magazine. You obviously have no taste for good music. I suppose you would prefer the likes of Marilyn Manson or something of that taste. Yor article was of poor writing and I'm sure you did not do your research. R. Kelly is a lyrical genius and one of the best writers in the music industry. Thank God opinions are like assholes, everyone has one. And my opinion is if you keep writing reviews like this paticular one you'll be working at a newspaper stand. Thanks for your time and have a great day!!!"
Brandi,
You can't even spell honey. Personally, I happen to adore both R. Kelly and Marilyn Manson. I'd lay down for any man who has the balls to wear fur.
Alexa
FROM: Kaheim
RE: Jay-z review
"what kind of wack shit was that
dude u need to be fired, u cant reveiw for shit
how can renegade be same old lyrics
and eminem are you just a hater u gave his cd 1.5
forget u and whoever dont like this fuck u too"
Dear Kaheim,
I'll be sure to pass on the constructive criticism. Your eloquence and command of the English language is astounding. I'm fucking myself as we write. Love,
Alexa
FROM: Warrior1066
RE: From Jim Moore/Pinks Dad
"Article was a bit harsh but dead on. I guess it must be very hard for anyone in the music business today to believe that there are any "real deals" out there in it. What you see is what you get with P!NK ( Alecia ). She has always been this way. Honest, simple and very sincere. This is her dream that she has had all her life coming true every day. I am not just her Dad but her friend and I am so proud of her and that she has had the courage to look past all the nay sayers and do what she thinks is right and what she believes in. The problem today is that some people find it hard to believe there is anyone who can sing more than one kind of music. Well, she certainly can and does to my delight. Thanks for the article." Jim Moore
Dear "Pink's Dad,"
Everyone knows how to spell "Alicia" but I guess her father doesn't. Hang in there Papi!
Alexa "Pink Fan Numero Uno" Camp
FROM: JVTaylor
RE: Hey there Big Boy
"To my hero! You are the all mighty of pseudo-journalism genius! Ever since I laid eyes on you I knew you would make it in the big world. That very chilly New York evening I said to myself "that big boy is gonna make it"! Top notch, top dog, big scene, bread winner, need I say more? I knew NY would not swallow you whole. You are no longer a small fish in a big sea my boy. You are the biggest motha fuckin fish there is, but you already know this! Am I flattering you? Good! In all seriousness, you are fabulous. You just keep up whatever you are doing, because boy is it working!"
Love,
Your BIGGEST fan - JVT
Dear JVT,
Ever since that night inside that Twilo bathroom stall, I've pined for your sweet caress. Call me.
Alexa
FROM: Tatinic14
RE: Kate and Leopold
"Put all movie critics into one of those reality shows. There will be no survivors?"
Dear Titanic,
You are the weakest link. Goodbye.
Alexa Camp
© slant magazine, 2002.
More Letters From Camp
