Slant Magazine - Love Letters

RE: The Tuxedo

What does a person's color have to do with a person's love interest if it is mutually warranted? You know, the problem of racism in America is mostly caused by the very minorities like you who voice equality and yet are racists yourselves. My forefathers founded this country based on freedom and equality. If you can't handle that, you might want to consider going back to where you (or your parents/grandparents) came from.

Bill Bill

Dear Dear Bill Bill:

By "forefathers," are you referring to the British as a whole (assuming you are British and not some other form of Euro) or the Brits who seceded from the U.K. and slaughtered thousands of Native Americans and enslaved Africans?

RE: Scooby-Doo

I think that Scooby-Doo is going to be a hilarious movie!!! Another thing Pamela Anderson is the best actress in the world!!! It shouldn't matter who looks better between [Sarah Michelle] Gellar and [Linda] Cardellini!! [They're] both beautiful!!!

Nicole Porter

Dear Daphne:

Pam Anderson is the best thing that ever happened to tits. "V.I.P." wasn't bad either but let's not get carried away.

RE: The Banger Sisters

Hey Ed,

Does Goldie Hawn really have a bust line or is she still flat as a pancake? Just curious!

Mike/London

Hey Mike:

Lemme go squeeze her melons and get back to you, mmkay?

Sal, you really need to talk to Ed. Seriously, I have a feeling he takes a pee sitting down. Eh? Other than that, I think I'm starting to like you guys.

Phill Rojas

Dear Pee-shy:

Let's just say that Ed has some trouble hitting the bull's eye. Besides, I thought everyone peed sitting down, eh?

RE: TP-2.com

you are so negative. every one loves r-kelly, dont hate on him because he is doing his thing. i am his number one fan so you can just get a life. get a life lady. people have made babys, love childs from and because of his cds!!!!!!!!!!!!!! or did you not know???????????

Ms. Sushie

Raw Fish:

You must be confusing these so-called "love childs" with all the babies who have been molested during the making of these CDs.

RE: Charmbracelet

I loved your review of Charmbracelet. However, the name for the album joke was really mean. It was symbolic of many sad and happy things. Besides, what would you name your album if u had one?

BR86AN

Hey Lamb!

If I had an album I'd call it "Pencil Case!"

RE: Sonny

FIRST E-MAIL:
boy you must really hate nick cage .your review has little to do with the film if anything. lets be frank buddy.your writing wreaks of something past giving a review..sad.sad.sad

SECOND E-MAIL:
i saw another review like yours on sonny once…same exact tone on all the pretty horses.he [too] hated billy bob.same exact tone of malice as you towards nick cage buddy see someone [i'm] begging you [you're] a sad sad little boy....

THIRD E-MAIL:
ed face it [you're] a sad corn...............

OFRA10

Dear Holy Trinity:

Why, I see your wisdom also cometh in threes.

RE: Love Liza

You're asking what's with the music in Love Liza? Are you absolutely tone deaf? Have no appreciation for music? Get a hearing aid. Or some taste. What do you listen to? Korn?

Kate Sturdy

Dear Sturdy:

Yes, Ed listens to Korn. Sad, sad Korn.

RE: I am mad at your dumb ravings about Return to Neverland

I can not believe you called Tinker Bell a jealous hussy. This is a CHILDREN'S movie. You have the imagination of Archie Bunker. A children's movie that should be criticized and commented on by children. When you return to YOUR child hood, you can comment on children's movies, calling characters jealous hussies, and cocky playboys. When you were the age that this movie is aimed for, you wouldn't have even known such words. I hate your website. What would your mother say?!

Stephanie

p.s. "Tinkerbell" is 2 words. Tinker Bell.

Dear Stephanie:

Due to the overwhelming response to our review, Slant Magazine has decided to hire toddlers to review future animated films. Our newest critic Priscilla, who is currently completing her second semester in nursery school, returned from a screening of Return To Never Land and proclaimed: "If my mother were alive, she'd say 'Why, that Tinker Bell is a damn hussy!'"

[Editor's Note: "Neverland" is 2 words. Never Land. Conversely, "Can not" and "Child hood" are both one word.]

RE: Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets

After reading your review of the Harry Potter sequel, all I can say is you are terribly bereft of all imagination. Your favorite movie must be the "River Runs Through It" or some boring affair. Not only is your inner child dead. I must wonder if it ever existed. In short, I feel sorry for you. You must live in a very narrow world indeed.

Nick

Dear Nick:

Actually, Ed's inner child did exist at one time. However, we were forced to starve it to death when it kept insisting we take it to dumbass movies like Harry Potter.

RE: Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets

DONT U EVER DISS HARRY POTTER YOU LITTLE FUCKER! UNDERSTAND DONT U EVER DISS HIM CUZ IF U DO ILL GET MY DAD TO BUY YOUR STUPID MAGAZINE AND THEN ILL FIRE U. SO U KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT ABOUT THINGS U DONT KNOW U DUMB ASS MOTHER FUCKER

Silent Andy

Dear Veruca Salt:

You need a time out. Daddy will never be able to buy us out because, unlike your mother, Slant Magazine is not for sale. Thanks for your interest though.

RE: The Hours

Dear Ed, if I can be frank, I thought that your review of The Hours made you sound uneducated and bitter. This film would probably make a lot more sense to someone who had a more sophisticated taste for literature. It probably also would help if you ever read "Mrs. Dalloway." All the best,

Karrie

Dear Sister Carrie:

We try to accommodate as many requests as possible. However, Slant Magazine does not have any plans to review literature at this time. For the record, some of Ed's favorite books include: "The Hardy Boys: The Secret of the Old Mill," "Fetal Subjects, Feminist Positions," "Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs," "Frontiers In Infant Psychiatry" and "The Bible Cure for Candida and Yeast Infections."

RE: Pinocchio

I read your review about Pinocchio..Oh my GOD!!!!! are you that jealous of Benigni success???? by the way have you really read pinocchio by Collodi??

mcjazz

Dear McJazz:

Again, we currently have no plans to start a book section. On a side note, what is your definition of "success"?

RE: Your review of The Hours

I don't understand two terms you used in your review: 'historical disconnectedness' and 'spoken subtext.' I am generally wary of such terms in any case. They explain nothing and take up lot of space in doing so. I often think that such terminology develops another front in the reader's mind—how a critic finds words to describe his reaction TO the film—and distances the reader from the conflict that may reside IN the film.

Sincerely, Gerard Donovan

Dear Donovan:

Historical disconnectedness: that which is detached from a historical point of reference.

Spoken subtext: subtext (the implicit meaning or theme of a text) which is spoken.

And just in case…

Implicit: implied or understood though not directly expressed.

RE: Chicago

A note for you according to your Chicago review. Did it ever occur to you that the screenplay was meant to take place indoors? I know it's a hard concept, but true. We also have the technology to make people turn into jackalopes animatronically, but that doesn't mean every movie has to feature it. Thanks.

R

Dear "R":

You're a genius! I had this constant nagging feeling that there was something missing from all the films I saw last year, especially Swept Away: a jackalope!

RE: (no subject)

Do you take other peoples opinions?

marmol60727

Dear Lady Marmalade:

The question is, what do we do with them once we take them?

RE: 100 Greatest Music Videos

I usually never complain, or write into two-bit websites.but for the love of God.

The "Top 100 Music Video's" of all time piece you guys wrote was about as shitty as the shit I took this morning. It is apparent that you put absolutely NO thought into this, and you made an absolute MOCKERY of the music industry.

I PRAY that you wrote this to create controversy and get people fired up (like myself) in those regards, but if this was sincere, I hope you never write anything again, ever.

Congratulations, you have won my inaugural asshole of the week award.

Bob

Dear Jay:

This coming from a redneck whose website (which we won't print because, well, we don't have to) is dedicated to shit fetishes and fat chicks in party hats. Now, I love fake boobies and poop stories just as much as the next gal, but congratulations Bob, you've just won our inaugural "we-don't-give-a-fuck-about-your-opinion-but-you-gave-it-to-us-anyway" award.

RE: SLICKER THAN YOUR AVERAGE

OBVIOUSLY YOU DON'T KNOW SHIT! AND JUST LIKE EVERY OTHER CRITIC YOUR TASTE IN MUSIC AND YOUR KNOWLEDGE OF MUSIC IS SHIT AND THATS WHY YOUR JUST SHIT BECAUSE YOU SIT ON YOUR ASS AND WRITE SHIT AND DON'T KNOW HOW TO SING! CRAIG DAVID IS THE MULTI PLATNUM SELLING ARTIST MAKING YOU LOOK LIKE SHIT AND MAKING YOU EAT YOUR OWN SHIT WHEN EVERYONE OUT THERE IGNORES YOUR SHIT AND BUYS THE CD ANYWAY AND REALISES THAT YOU WERE WRONG AND YOU ARE SHIT!

Clive Grace

Dear Graceless:

This is not the forum for you to relish in your shit fetish. We hear Bob has a hot website where you can talk about feces to your heart's content.

Alexa Camp
© slant magazine, 2003.

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