Slant Magazine - La Femme Spectacle: Paris in the Raw

It's been a while since Hollywood has unleashed a good sex tape. So imagine my excitement when I heard about the new video starring one of my favorite no-talent, famous-for-nothing socialites, Paris Hilton. Our film editor, Ed Gonzalez, was shut out of media screenings for the film, so I offered to surf the Internet and see what all the fuss was about. Turns out he didn't miss much: Paris getting fucked on her back, Paris acting coy (and I stress "acting") for the camera and sucking her thumb like a bashful fawn caught in headlights, Paris answering her cell phone followed by some rather dull doggy-style action (I've seen burnt-out porn stars get more excited than this), and ex-boyfriend Rick Solomon telling Paris to "turn the other way so we can fucking see my cock going in and out" (thousands of pimple-faced teenage boys thank you, Ricky). The three-minute tour de force ends with some uninspired oral accompanied by some racially-charged stand-up courtesy of BET's "Comic View." So, basically, it's nothing we haven't already seen the skanky debutante doing in the back of any number of New York City clubs in the past couple of years. The Hilton family is crying foul and threatening litigation. [Yawn.] Let's face it: Paris is a self-promoting whore and what better publicity for her upcoming reality series, "The Simple Life," than a sex scandal? (The show premieres on Fox in December—see how that works?) But I'd much rather watch MTV's "Rich Girls" any day. Not to mention, I can't wait to tear into Paris's…[starts giggling wildly]…long-in-the-works…[uncontrollable fit of laughter]…debut…[I'm seriously going to piss myself!]…ALBUM! For now I'll have to settle for some of our less-than-keen readers, who've dumped a new load of male—I mean, mail—on my face and breasts—I mean, on our desks. Gobble. Gobble. Gigli!

RE: Brother Bear

Dear Ed:

In your review, you rant about underlying sexism in the movie (insert eye roll here), fret about perceived slights against homosexuality.and yet, go on to blast the lead character's "bizarre transsexual transformation and nurturing relationship to an adorable bear cub named Koda (Jeremy Suarez)." Are you insinuating that males are incapable of being nurturing caregivers unless they are 'transsexual'? Because it certainly appears that way. But perhaps I'm mistaken; after all, I'm quite sure that someone as concerned with society's negative stereotypes would never stoop to such a level.right?

Tyson

You know, I wasn't sure how to respond to this one, so I consulted Ed and just flat-out asked him. It turns out that, yes, he was insinuating that males are incapable of being nurturing caregivers unless they are transsexuals. Duh [insert eye roll here].

RE: (no subject)

ijust want to know when will video comeout in store so i can get it cause i dont have dvd i have vcr that all ilove all seann william scott movies bye for now write backand do you have seann email so i can write him.

KlKathr

Hi Klkathr,

While I also love Seann William Scott's movies, I have no idea what video you're talking about. I do, however, know where you can find a really lame Paris Hilton sex tape.

Lex

RE: It doesn't get any better

Wouldn't you kill to have a larger rod? Well you don't have to. PINACLE gives me bursting confidence and extra 2-4 inches and makes me feel like I can lift up a Mac Truck with my pinky finger, check it out right now!

All I have to say is: up yours!

Lex

RE: For Peet Sakes Ed

Ok, Ed. Your review on Radio will almost certainly elicit some sour responses from those who read it. A little more heart is due. [You're] sounding like a jaded film critic.

I am an emotional person and I found myself deep in tears at many points of the movie.

I am also a man of logic so while those tears were flowing, I knew the contrivances to get me there.

Your article is about 97% heartless logic and 3% sarcasm.

Let me do a quick check of your reviews of other movies with heart since this movie may have just missed you somehow. Be right back.

Yeah, you are a jaded reviewer. Prescription, lighten up and try to let your heart feel something during movies.

Don't be afraid to feel dude. Even with a trite little movie like Radio.

Peace out.

Velvey

Hey Velvey:

I'm a very emotional person too, especially when I'm on the rag, like I am right now.

I'm also a woman of logic, so while the blood is flowing, I realize that my rage might have nothing to do with you specifically.

Your email is about 97% gay and 3% retarded.

Hold on. I have to go change my tampon. Be right back.

Yeah, you're still an idiot, kind of like Radio. Prescription, grow some balls and maybe you won't cry at sappy movies like a little girl.

Cheers!

RE: hey man!

you guys lick fat dick. i hate u.

dora del toro

You must be confusing us with Paris Hilton. We don't get that much action. Now, if you note Paris's technique, you'll see that she completely neglects the shaft. Sure, the head of the penis is the most sensitive part, but that girl didn't even take two inches. Poor guy.

RE: (no subject)

hater. go make your own movie lamehead. or you too busy biting other references and sounding quite envious criticizing someone else's creation. seems to me all you created was an angry man's slant. and we all know where anger leads.

TNT Rough Neck

Yes TNT, we all know where anger leads to. Anger leads to hate. And hate leads to violence. And violence is not the answer. It's the question, and the answer is "Definitely!"

Lex

RE: The Lizzie McGuire Movie

it sounds like U wanna get in hilary's pants sick jerk

jason ponvelle

Trust me. The last thing Ed wants to do is get in Hilary Rodham Clinton's pants.

RE: S.W.A.T.

dont you find it amazing that Hollywood, in all of its glory, can STILL manage to produce such steaming, heaping piles of shit! I find myself constantly blown away by the exponential level of stupidity of the bunch of freakin monkeys they've got working in that town. they JUST DONT GET IT!..and to wrap up: the most FUCKING, FUCKING, FUCKING RETARDED THING THAT SINKS THE MOVIE INTO OBLIVION..IS THAT WE'RE LED TO BELIEVE THAT ANYONE CONSIDERING THE "PAYOFF" IS DUMB ENOUGH TO BELIEVE THAT THE BAD GUY HAS PLANS TO KEEP HIS WORD....AND PAY THE MONEY.

Hellloooooo??? did ANYONE out there in MovieLand reflect on that before the 70 Mil investment?

Scott from NH

Now, this is movie criticism, people. Richard Roeper and Joel Siegel could learn a thing or two from you, Scott from NH. Would you like to become Scott from NY and live in my panties?

Lex

RE: Seabiscuit

You must have had your head up your rear end when you saw this movie! Seabiscuit is what America is all about. Maybe you don't like America either?

Marvin Burton

No, Ed just doesn't like horse movies. They're [read with horse's neigh] la-a-a-a-a-a-me!

RE: dude, you must have seen the wrong movie

Ed,

You must have not seen enough movies lately. Sea Biscuit is an awesome movie, and people are writing into movie reviews nationwide about it. Go look at the Chicago pages.

This is a great movie, and it will be nominated for an Oscar.

Your review will be trampled underfoot.

Mark Thomas

Mark,

I think Ed's problem was that he thought this movie was about an actual sea biscuit, not a horse. Ed despises horses but he's always very hungry. You should see his review of Spirit: Stallion of the Cinnamon.

Lex

RE: Seabiscuit

Is that jealousy on your sleeve or do you really think you're smarter than everybody else.

Connie Wennihan

Hi Connie,

Yes, Ed does think he's smarter than everybody else. But he's also jealous of horses. Extremely jealous. Which might explain why he hates horse movies. Now, I thought I saw jealousy on his sleeve earlier today but it turned out to just be a green boogie.

Lex

RE: Don't you realize.

The movie industry is a business and there is no higher aspiration than to make money from films for many of the people making them. Is that such a crime? Does a film have to be realistic to be entertaining? If so, why don't we just stay home and just look out the window and save our ten dollars? Maybe you would have liked Bad Boys II better if it had been about lesbian priests who bring to light a scandal about how "Dubya" did this or that and he is impeached and your hero Al Gore finally gets to run the country and his first order of business is to imprison Bay and Bruckheimer and put to death anyone who makes a film that does not at least loosely resemble "The Talented Mr. Ripley" in theme, pretentiousness, and how much homoerotic propoganda it should be forced to contain. Do you want to know how original and unique you are you self-important prick? I'll tell you—I have never met you or written anything that you may have written about them, but I am willing to bet any amount of money that you hate the band Creed. How did I know that? Because you are just a clone of a caricature of every other narcissistic jackass out there who thinks like you do and feel that they know something about what entertainment should consist of.

Lawrence Richardson

Shee-at! Movies are ten dollars now? That's whack. (Thank God for all those press screenings, free popcorn, and free Creed CDs we get.)

RE: question

Hello, My name is Alex. I am getting married next year and I would love to have as wedding invitations the same invitations that were used in the movie The Count! I have tried searching everywhere for images of those invitations but I can't find any. Can you help me out in any way?

Sorry, we don't support gay marriage. Cheers!

Lex

RE: Reviews

I often visit movies.com for a look at movies reviews and I have noticed that Slant is a leader among the pack. I have yet to come across a mainstream "big studio" film that Slant hasn't hammered. While I understand that most of the big studio productions suck—you may want to consider grading on a curve.

Maybe call it the SUCK CURVE. Instead of rating the big films against those with meaningful dialogue and original ideas, you could rate them against other films that SUCK. For example, you could say, "If you thought Analyze That sucked—at least this one doesn't suck that bad." Or you could rate the level of sucking on a scale of how far a golf ball could be sucked through a garden hose.

Instead of saying The Count was 1 ½ stars, you could say, "The Italian Job could suck a golf ball through a 50-foot garden hose" or simply, "The Italian Job is a 50-footer." You could put everything on the "hose-length-sucking-scale."

Golf Ball Sucking Scale:

5-Foot Suck
20-Foot Suck
50-Foot Suck
100-Foot Suck

Just a thought—I had some free time on my hands today.

Scott M. Miller

Hi Scott, you are a fucking genius. Would you like to come write for us? I'll definitely try to convince the boys at Slant to start using your Golf Ball Sucking Scale. For instance, I would say Paris Hilton's fellatio technique sucks a golf ball through a 100-foot garden hose. Meaning it sucks, but not in a good way. And Clay Aiken's Measure of a Man is definitely a 50-footer. Again, not in a good way.

RE: Those who cant, CRITIQUE…

Your petty prose has the shock value and staying power of a stink bomb in a junior-high homeroom. And, as I doubt you're a 13-year-old boy, it's not half as ballsy. Your fashion week review was a travesty. I imagine shows like Heatherette, Imitation of Christ or House of Diehl, make you uncomfortable—however, as stupid and uncultured as you obviously are, I'd think you'd notice by now that your intellectual discomfort with something is the mark of true genius…and KNOW that you should probably support it, to be taken seriously. Take it from a real magazine writer, editor and true fashion person—who's worked for magazines at which your sad, slush pile "pitch letters" haven't made it past the mailroom—get off your fat ass (a safe assumption given your disdain for any sexy collections), donate your computer to charity, and make the only worthwhile contribution to society you could possibly achieve—there's a seven year old child in need of a heart transplant somewhere, as you don't use yours, I suggest your donate immediately. If only a poison pen letter could really kill, this would be a great day for humanity.

A.D.

A.D.,

It gives me such pride to respond to my very own hate-mail! You obviously have a brain the size of a pea if you believe that intellectual discomfort is the mark of true genius. This is not a rule in real art, let alone fashion, which, my friend, is not art. And any real journalist knows that supporting something simply because it attempts to be subversive will not help you to be taken seriously.

Gigli,

Alexa

Alexa's Note: Several readers wrote in to wish death upon Ed. This was particularly rampant among Matrix Reloaded fans (you know, the ones who were so deeply moved by the film's philosophical meanderings). Here are just a few of the death wishes we received:

RE: Matrix Reloaded

Hello,

The review about Matrix reloaded that you provide on Slantmagazine.com is a fucking joke you should be sent to an electric chair and burned alive. YOU FUCKIN SUCK BURN IN HELL I HOPE YOU DIE.

Sincerely,

John X

RE: Matrix Reloaded

you Deserve to die or at the very least get fired and live inbetween some fat guys ass checks for that paice of crap you wrote about the matrix reloaded.

RE: Matrix Reloaded

After reading your review (Matrix Reloaded), I think you should die. No offense.

Anthony De Smet

RE: Kill Bill: Volume 1

hey ed, you should probably kill yourself. that's right, end it.

Scott

Alexa Camp
© slant magazine, 2003.

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