Well, now that the Summer Olympics and the Republican National Convention are over, and with Fashion Week still a few days away, I figured I'd use my down time to reply to some of Slant's reader mail. The RNC left a bad taste in my mouth (and I don't just mean because of all the senatorial head I had to give just to get a press pass). I don't think so much Evil has assembled in one place since, well, our last reader mail column. Seeing Elizabeth Dole again was excruciatingly painful for me—I did her hair a few times in the early 90s and I swear to G-d she stole a small part of my soul every time she asked me to make it "just a little bit poofier" or put "just one more streak of blond" in her hair. Anyhoo, it's got me all fired up, so forgive me if I'm extra harsh on our little hate-mailers today. Most of them are angry rednecks like Zell Miller anyway.
RE:
Saved!
Shalom, I have not seen the movie, but have read many reviews. We as believers in the Messiah must always realize that the L-rd can take anything and use it for good, even this movie. The L-rd needs to reach the church and jolt it to awake and arise. The church is in a slumber! In my own walk with the L-rd I have seen all of these things that this movie, in what comments I have read, shows. We all make mistakes and we repent which means we will turn from that mistake and not do it again. The church has forgotten that everything is about the L-rd, not about us! We have lost track of what the L-rd wants. We control the Holy Spirit to fit into our times [and] our agendas. The church continues to grieve the Holy Spirit with our refusal to submit to the L-rd. My heart is for the young people, but I am concerned about what churches are claiming. It seems again that they have their agenda, not G-d's. So I ask what is that teaching our youth? As believers we need to pray now more than ever. Our country is becoming worse than Sodom and Gamorrah. We are well aware of what the L-rd did to them. My prayer for you is that you continue to have a voice for the L-rd and follow what HE wants you to do. May the L-rd bless you and your family and may you have Shalom.
In him, Sharon.
Maybe if you spent less time writing lengthy, presumptuous emails about reviews of films you haven't actually seen and more time trying to buy your way into heaven you wouldn't be so worried about G-d's imp-nd-ng wr-th.
Al-xa
RE:
Around the World in 80 Days
Way to go racist scum. Frustrated leftwing racist hacks like you should not have a voice to discuss movies. I give you credit for having the guts to put your email address on the net. Many other guys hide behind their hate. I've never heard a hack call themself [sic] uppity before so I guess you know the hateful bile you dispense but can't control yourself.
Jonathan Stevens
Dear Jonathan,
I've never heard of a leftwing racist hack. I have
, however, heard of rightwing racist hacks who support Constitutional amendments banning gay marriage while using the Internet to find other guys to suck off. Cheers!
RE:
Man on Fire
Nick:
A quote from your
Man on Fire review: "…but also a disingenuous redemptive streak that undercuts any hint of pleasurable misanthropy." Do yourself a favor and try to limit the "intellectual prose" applied to your movie reviews. They are only movie reviews. No need to be verbose. I have yet to see a good review from Slant and, regardless of the actual review, they are all unreadable. It seems as if all Slant contributors are failed screenwriters. How else can you account for the general contempt spewed forth in each and every review? Is it jealously? Do you have a completed screenplay that will change a specific genre? Can't sell it or find financial backing? Whatever demon you have guiding your pencil, put a sock in it. We are not talking about poetry. We are talking about a movie. Your readers want to know if the movie is worth $10. Not your $10, their $10. If I took the time, drove to the theater, bought a ticket and some popcorn-would I be wasting my time? That's it.
SM
Dear S&M:
We'd be more than happy to tell you if a movie is worth your $10, but how are we to know how much your $10 is worth? For instance, there are a lot of things I can do with my $10 that would be more worthwhile than watching Dakota Fanning act like Sharon Stone, but your $10 might not be worth as much as my $10. Unless, of course, you're talking about Nick's $10, in which case that would be a whole other story because his $10 is nowhere near as valuable to him as my $10 is to me, but it's obviously much more valuable than your $10 because you like to sit through shitty Hollywood movies and shovel shitty popcorn with extra butter into your fat face. I mean, seriously, how much fucking disposable income do you have, bitch? Unless you're making over $250,000, Bush's tax plan is probably fucking you right up the ass, in which case you shouldn't be wasting your money on trash like Man On Fire
anyway. Good thing we get to see movies for free.
RE:
The Terminal
Its [sic] amazing how a critic of a supposed "intelegentl" [sic] site can be so blatently [sic] ignorant, You make the stupid mistake of pointing out that Abbas Kiarostami and Jafar Panahi are Arabs. Well my stupid little friend, that's [sic] like calling Bill Clinton a Mexican. You see, Iranians are not Arabs, they are diffrent [sic] peoples, just because they are neighbors with Arabic countries does not make them Arabic. I thought simple world knowledge was a pre-requisit [sic] for writers, but apperently [sic] i was dead wrong. Idiot.
Sam Sistani
Dear Sam:
And I
thought simple grammatical knowledge was a prerequisite for owning a computer. I guess we're both idiots.
RE:
Napoleon Dynamite
Ed. Your review is peppered with the attitude of "This movie is stereotyping blacks and Mexicans, and the director is a white man, therefore, because I am insulted as a Mexican, I will give it a bad review!" Come on, man. Step off this OLD one-sided racial view. I bet if this movie was made by a black person, oh excuse me, AFRICAN AMERICAN, then perhaps your mind would open and you would give it 4 stars because it all of a sudden became an artistic film. You're biased, Ed. (And your opinion of this movie is the minority) Perhaps you should change your last name to SMITH so it's not so obvious. Are you blind? Perhaps. Closer to the fact that you're just an insulted Mexican who can't get over the fact there ARE stereotypes and there's nothing we can do about them.
Yours Truly,
Kevin
Dear Kev:
Unlike Bill Clinton, Ed's not Mexican, he's Cuban. That's a WHOLE other banana boat, baby.
RE: (none)
This is one of the most unprofessional, high school level reviews I've read in a long time. I'm in the biz, I'd be embarrassed to have your name on this. Please take more time to be more thoughtful with your reviews. This was really dumb.
Beverly Levitt
Dear Bev,
By "in the biz," are you referring to your writing credit for the segment "Natalie Would" from the softcore porn Inside Out IV or your writing credit for the 1986 TV movie Miles To Go…? Now there's
some shit I'd be embarrassed to have my name on.
RE:
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
Mr. Gonzolez [sic],
In my opinion your recent review of the new Harry Potter film is one interest [sic] but so far off base re: adolescence and coming sexual awareness in the film that it makes me wonder when you last got off. Your mind came into this film in a place usually reserved for adolescent boys (see
Risky Business) who see sexual content in a glass of water. If you are over 20, you should see a therapist, you have a problem. No, really, I mean it.
Stamp Adams
Dear Stamp:
There ain't no shame in seeing sexual content in a glass of water baby. Water is the spiritual and biological source of life on our planet. When I get home from a hard day at the office, I like to fill up the tub with some hot H20ly water, pour in a generous dollop of lily-fresh Dirty Girl bubbly body elixir, slide right in, and get some "sexual awareness" goin' on down under with my new hand-held Pleasure 3000 shower head. Know wha-I'ma-sayin?
RE:
Shrek 2
If someone pans a movie that most of the civilized world thinks is the best thing since (insert something really good here), I would have to think that there is a problem with the critic, rather then the film. Perhaps he dropped his caramel apple as a child, or his parents forced him to eat liver once to often. That being said, around 90% of the civilized world (and 94.7% of the uncivilized world) thought
Shrek was somewhere between a good and fantastically terrific movie. So when Keith Uhlich writes, "Credit
Shrek 2 for being the rare sequel that more or less equals its predecessor-the first film was garbage, and so is the second," I have to assume that he had one of those unfortunate childhood experiences. My god! That sounds like something Stalin would say.
Eric N. Solomon
Dear Eric:
I once dropped a caramel apple while watching a Disney movie on TV, and when I picked it up off the shag carpet (it was the 70s after all), there was a whole mess of shit stuck to it: dog hair, bits of paper, crumbs from a peanut butter and fluff sandwich my brother left on the couch, soft porn, a disco ball, et al. Now, being from a poor family, I knew better than to throw it out and get a new one from the fridge (my mother had bought a whole box for my 7th birthday party), I decided to rinse it off instead. On my way to the kitchen sink I slipped on a rollerskate, slid across the floor and smashed through the plate-glass window out onto the back porch where my father was grilling hamburgers and hot dogs for the party. (By this point, I had dropped the caramel apple somewhere on the orange and brown linoleum floor, and I made a mental note of where it fell so I could go get it later.) I crashed into the barbeque and knocked the whole thing over onto my 91-year-old great-grandmother. The propane tank exploded and she was killed instantly. Needless to say, I haven't been able to enjoy an animated movie since. But I still like dem caramel apples!
RE:
Shrek 2
What is it like to amongst the five people on the entire planet that didn't like this film? Does a film need subtitles to be considered [worth] watching in your world? I suppose you enjoy movies that end with the protagonists overdosing on heroin, broken hearted and alone? When asked to think of happy thoughts, do you envision dying puppies? Does it hurt when you smile?
Allan Huta
Dear Alan:
To answer your seemingly endless list of questions on behalf of Keith: Fantabulous. No, but if it's in a foreign language subtitles always help. Doesn't everyone? Yes! And lastly, it's none of your business what Keith does with his dick unless you're sitting on his lap. Thanks for playing.
RE: Eddie's Nifty Reviews
Eddie,
Well, you've finally done it. You have officially driven me from Slant. Your film reviews read like the editorial page of The Limp-Wristed Politically Correct Tribune. Stop assuming that every film needs to assert a social statement that fits nicely into your new agey, leftist, pseudo hippy construct. It's called "art," Eddie, and it comes in many different flavors. Not all of them taste like Jimmy Carter. But I suppose that doesn't mean much to someone who measures the value of art with a pre-cut cardboard template fashioned by decades of liberal wrongthought. Social criticism is one thing. Entertainment criticism is another. Please learn the difference, Mrs. Kesey. You're not Samuel Johnson-you're a Slanted, X-addled hack. What film review am I referring to? Guess.
Best Regards / Fond Adieu,
Lance Watts
Dear Lancey:
Mmmmmm.I had a Jimmy Carter finger sandwich at the Republican convention. Elizabeth Dole couldn't seem to get enough of them.
P.S. The Limp-Wristed Politically Correct Tribune?! Where can we get a copy?!
RE:
The Village
I must say that the only intelligent conclusion one can pull from your M. Night article is that you must be Anti-Indian or have some personal vendetta against the man. I have seen thousands of movies in my 31 years and have attained a master's degree and a plethora of other diverse, formal and informal education. Stop trying to be "different" by bashing a truly creative force, and wake up and smell the roses. Roses probably smell bad to you, right? You probably like the African Black Pedal Flower, a much more obscure and attractive flower, as opposed to the rose which just "cheaply manipulates" people to like it, as you would put it. Your article is essentially raping Mr. M. Night. Are you a rapist in the real world too? The spirit of the M. Night fan is "unbreakable," no matter how much an artsy, cow-humping (who has to rape the cow to hump it), two-bit-hack of a writer tries to break this spirit or call us dumb for liking him and his movies. Please, when you have a public voice try and use a "sixth sense" other than negativity in it.
Drew Doemling
Dear Drew,
I tried to come up with something clever/offensive to say about Indians, African Black Petal Flowers, and cow-humping, but I've got nothing. All "signs" point to you winning this one honey. I've decided that "village" idiots like you and Zell Miller deserve to have a voice too.
RE:
Kill Bill: Vol. 1
From your use of the recycled word "wanker," I picture you as a British man with very bad teeth (gasp, a British man with bad teeth, who would of thought?). I've never heard of Slant Magazine, so I could really care less about your review. Just like Simon Cowell, you think everything is "absolutely ghastly." You have got to be INSANE not to like this movie.
Seraph78
Dear Seraph:
What do you expect from someone who looks like this:
RE: None
Your articles always amuse me, whether I agree or not. Thanks for swearing like a sailor, calling out idiots, and verbally abusing just about everyone, it makes me smile. Hope you got something hot for me in response.
Nate
Dear Nate:
Au contrare. I hope you've got something hot for ME. As my good friends Paris and Nicole would say, "You're so hot right now."
Alexa Camp
© slant magazine, 2004.
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