Slant Magazine - Femail Angst

THANKS FOR GIVING AWAY THE ENDING TO HARD BALL!!!! GOOD FUCKING JOB!!!! EVER HEAR OF SPOILERS??!?! WTF IS THAT YOU ASK? A LITTLE THING U STICK ON REVIEWS IF THEY ARE GOING TO GIVE THE ENTIRE DAMNED MOVIE AWAY!!! U ARE A DISGRACEFUL REVIEWER!!!!

ToraSame77

Dear Tora Bora:

The little black kid is shot and killed halfway through the movie, not at the end.

Dear Mr. Gonzalez,

I had just concluded reading your article on Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone when an associate of mine called me and asked me to join him and his children to see it. I had never read or desired reading the books so I didn't quite know what to expect thanks to your dull article. I can tell your rather incompetent because of the way you insulted other greats such as Star Wars. I was so disappointed with your article, I canceling my subscription after 7 years of getting your magazine. I hope your satisfied.

Sincerely Yours,
Benjamin S. Cole

Dear Mr. Cole:

Due to the cancellation of your subscription, Slant Magazine has been forced to shut its doors and lay off hundreds of loyal, dedicated employees. You will no longer be able to find our beloved magazine on newsstands, only in our hearts and minds. Oh yeah, and on the Internet, you jackass.

Try not to hide your jealousy of Russell Crowe behind your extensive use of an online Thesaurus.

Scott Fanning

Dear Fanny:

Jealous of Russell Crowe? Ed is the least hornmad dramatis personae in the entire terraqueous globe. Not to mention, he animadverts that Russell is the most soporific, contumelious piece of fatras. Faugh!

A bras ouverts,

Alexa

Hi!! I am going to writ. you of wat. I think of the move when I see it okthe Movie I am talking abaout is black hawk down.Sow I am going to lett you know if it,s American bullshit or not Wait to hear from me ok Bye

Dough1E

Dear Homer:

We are still eagerly waiting to hear back from you ok Bye

Did the reviewer of A Beautiful Mind mistake rat poison for powdered sugar the morning he wrote this? That's the only explanation I can imagine, given the aggressive, mean-spirited take on virtually everything he saw. I'll give him credit for having the courage to advance a contrary opinion. But I will never figure out what movie he saw.

Rob Norris

Dear Bobby:

Actually, the review you just read was written after a midnight screening of Josie and the Pussycats. As for the rat poison, Ed recommends JT Eaton's peanut butter and molasses. Rats can't resist it. Perfect for warehouses, barns, marinas, shops, fishing vessels, the Kodak theatre, Russell Crowe, subways and sewer systems. The rats will kill themselves to get to these bait bars!

Mr. Gonzalez,

I read your review of I Am Sam. For we, the great unwashed, could you supply a Glossary? It would be greatly appreciated.

John C. Kenny

Sure thing JC Penny:

preposterous: adj. Contrary to nature, reason, or common sense; absurd.

agape: adj. Wide open.

panache: n. Distinctive and stylish elegance.

prostitute: n. One who solicits and accepts payment for sex acts.

melodrama: n. A drama, such as a play, film, or television program, characterized by exaggerated emotions, stereotypical characters, and interpersonal conflicts.

Payless: n. A shoestore not unlike the one in "Married.With Children."

harbinger: n. One that indicates or foreshadows what is to come; a forerunner.

papier-mâché: n. A material, made from paper pulp or shreds of paper mixed with glue or paste, that can be molded into various shapes when wet and becomes hard and suitable for painting and varnishing when dry.

Messianic: adj. Of or relating to a messiah.

campy: adj. Having deliberately artificial, vulgar, banal, or affectedly humorous qualities or style.

Hope this helps!

dear aaron slate or whatever it may be

im emailing u on behalf of the blink 182 article u wrote. that was the worst thing i ever have read in my life. Blink 182 is the best band in the world, and they are not mainstream. THe have extreme talent, look at travis barker, he is one of the best drummers in the world. Mark and tom are so talented on their guitars, im sure u can't do that good. Go trash some other band, that doens't have talent like aaron carter or something like that. besides ur band list probably consits of rap or that crap.

Jessica_182 B

Dear Jess:

Please refrain from writing to us "on behalf" of our own reviews. Thank you.

Hey, Ed,

Just stumbled on your review of Pay It Forward, and you're one sick, cynical puppy—no wonder you and your partner have to do this website. The film wasn't the greatest, but you act like the film fails when the good works don't work out—hey, Ed, reality check.they wrote this and know in advance it doesn't work out, and that's part of the point in the development of the story. When your own resume lists people you admire, rather than people you've worked with it might be time for a second self-check that realizes sanctimony is not equal to erudition! The movie—one thumb up, one thumb down. Your review—two thumbs down. Oh, and by the way, I'm from Iowa, and it wouldn't be a new idea here, we do stuff like paying it forward all the time, bud. We don't have to lock our doors, have a great educational system, a high standard of living/low cost of living - get out of your apartment, look up at the sky, take a deep breath, and get into life! Good luck!

Tommy

Dear Tommy:

Thanks for paying it forward. Did you know that 2/3 of rapes reported to Iowa law enforcement in 1995 were committed by someone known to the victim? For further information, contact the Iowa Coalition Against Sexual Assault, 2603 Bell Avenue, Suite 102, Des Moines, Iowa 50321. Phone: (515) 244-7424; FAX: (515) 244-7424; E-Mail: iowacasa@aol.com.

Alexa

Sir I think that you are deeply confused and paid (if at all) way to much for reviewing films. Your critique of Black Hawk Down has got to be the worst I have ever seen. In no place what-so-ever do you actually make a point of what you were gettting at other than trying to gain your 15 minutes of fame for shaming a movie of perfect direction and character. The comparisons alone to the pussy footed features that you list is enough to prove that you have no clue of what you are talking about. Please feel free to reply to this email if you would like to engaged in an overbearing intellectual and actual critique experience. Thank you sir for writing such shit, and smell the roses pal!

Jeremy R. Knudson

Dear Jeremy:

Since writing his Black Hawk Down review, Ed has gone on to greater things, one of which is not holding on to Dame Ian McKellen's leg.

Absolute shit! Your english is poor, and your writers FUCKING BLOW! If you are going to do something worthwhile then do it WELL. Take a lesson on web and english 101, you can find online courses! You piss me off that lack of intelligence exists like you!
:)
have a great day

Jeremy R. Knudson

Hi, again!

Thanks for the advice. We did a search online and discovered a whole slew of online courses for Ed, Sal and myself: www.doyouenglish.com, www.englishtown.com, www.peakenglish.com, just to name a few! There are so many to choose from that we've become confused and belligerent! Thanks again!

All i could say for ur commencts about the movie k-pax is dat u need to go the same Psychiatric Institute of Manhattan so u could get cured by prot. just chill out and enjoy life. k-pax is the best movie i have ever seen, no wonder everyone in the movie want to go to k-pax it is cuz of people like u making the world boaring and not a happy place to live. Bye

Mazam8646

Dear Mazam,

Perhaps you should consult one of the aforementioned online courses. Please don't write to us again. Thanks!

Ever been in combat yourself?

Senne, Timothy W, MSG Fort Carson

No Ed hasn't ever been in combat, but once when he was at the boardwalk down at Wildwood he spent $80 on a flight simulator and beat the game four times. He subsequently endured a year and a half of physical therapy for Carpal Tunnel Syndrome and grief counseling for the loss of his simulated "partner," Robbie "The Hawk" Beekman.

Re: The Rainbow Children

Maybe your ears are filled with wax or something. I think you've gone over the edge with this. You clearly do not understand the process of music creation. I think you are simply pathetic! You guys seldom appreciate your freedom of expression and far too often abuse t and even make money out of it; just like in your case. Let peace be with us now. Amen.

TP

This reminds of how just the other day I got out of the shower and said to myself, "Geez, it's been a long time since I've cleaned out my ears." So I grabbed my trusty box of Q-Tips and began the process of cleaning out my ears. And let me tell you, you wouldn't believe the shit that was in there! I could've started a candle shop! I know, I know, it sounds crazy but it's true! You'd think I'd be more concerned with personal hygiene seeing as how I'm an internationally renowned hairstylist, but it's just so easy to forget about those little buggers!

I just read your worthless review of The Count of Monte Cristo. FYI: It's CliftNotes.

Richard Seven

Dear Clift:

It's actually CliffsNotes: http://www.cliffsnotes.com.

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