You can count on two things every fashion week: Tits and Trips. Evidently, modern technology can't come up with anything better than double-sided tape. (Anyone who saw A Dirty Shame's Selma Blair on The Tonight Show last week knows tape doesn't work unless you've got tits!) And it seems that designers love to send their models down the catwalks in stilt heels, causing them to lose footing again and again.

Zang Toi (tit count: 2)
Ghost (tit count: 3)
Carmen Marc Valvo (trip count: too many to count)

TREND SPOTTER

The following are predominant themes straight from the tents at New York's Bryant Park:

The Tunic, Kaftan, and Bolero (Yeohlee, As Four, Ghost)
Color (Gottex, Alexandre Herchcovitch, Ghost)
Or No Color (Rachel Comey, Y & Kei)
Prints & Patterns (Gottex, Herchcovitch, Nicholson)
Embellishment, i.e. bows, sequins, fringe (Gottex, Zang Toi, As Four, Y & Kei)
Loose Silhouettes or Exaggerated A-lines (Zang Toi, Herchcovitch, Ghost)
Geometric Shapes (Yeohlee, Rachel Comey, As Four)
Glamour (Zang Toi, Carmen Marc Valvo)

AND THE FASHION WEEK AWARDS GO TO.

People's Revolution. Never in my fashionable eternity have I ever seen a front-of-house pull off such a seamless job. Kudos to your entire staff, especially the sexy Argentine with the curly brown hair.

Kate Betts. The newly appointed Editor of Time Style & Design has found life after her Harper's Bazaar dethroning.

The New York Times. A rather brilliant Gray Lady piece ("It's My Style and I'm Sticking to It," July 27, 2004) dared the slaves of revolving door fashion trends to take a stab at developing their own constant style—morally, aesthetically, politically. A separate piece ("Less Bling, More Elegance," August 8, 2004) called for a classier approach to dressing as opposed to street-tough glamour.

THE BRITISH (& THE BRAZILIANS) ARE COMING!

And you thought the Brazilians were merely the monsters, err, originators behind the bikini wax and the thong! This spring, Fashion Week veterans Rosa Cha and Carlos Miele were joined by Alexandre Herchcovitch, and Laura Poretzky. Adding to the list of defectors is Ghost, who decided to hop the pond from London.

GOTTEX

Gottex joined forces with VIVID Collection, a renowned diamond house, and sent sparkling bathing beauties down the runway. Security was tighter than the Republican National Convention because of the estimated $30 million worth of rocks on display. Wet-haired hotties, some with rather ample breasts, opened the show with a G-logo extravaganza, followed by a romp through the tropics, only to reroute us back to the city. While I can appreciate the construction of the intricate cuts and cut-outs of the swimsuits, I can't say much for the atrocious make-up. The "Monaco" print sheer tunic cover-up and off the shoulder one-piece suit were among my favorites. As were the "Matrix" one-piece maillots with wraps. I could have definitely done without the catsuits and the figure skater aesthetic of the "Passion Fruit" portion. By the time the $18 million finale bikini on a stunner named Vicki popped up, I felt like I wanted to drown designer Gideon Oberson. It's time for adult swim, Gideon. Get out of the water!

YEOHLEE

What on Earth was on Yeohlee Teng's mind when she decided to show her collection in the belly of Manhattan? Attempting to honor the MTA's 100th anniversary, the Malaysian designer gave new meaning to "underground." If she was looking for originality, she sure found it, along with countless heated fashionistas crammed in the 42nd Street and Sixth Avenue B/D/F station. Armed with an empty MetroCard and a ineffective Y-fan, I witnessed a jambalaya of Farrah Fawcett, Finola Hughes, Atoosa Rubenstein, Full Frontal Fashion's Christina Ha, VH1's Rachel Perry, the New York City Police Commissioner's wife Veronica Kelly, Katrina Campins of The Apprentice fame, and a few regular models work the platform. Clearly having toyed with her architect brothers' compasses, silk circle skirts in pearl and black were on full display. A host of sarongs, a white cotton/lycra rattan tunic and a pair of white linen glass palazzo pants continued the fluid, muted-color legacy (pearl, beige, silver, white and brown) of past collections. Overall, the sub-par subterranean event just put me in a huge funk comparable to the lingering stench of urine. Maybe next time Yeohlee will opt to present on the subway tracks. At least then I'll be put out of my misery.

ZANG TOI

I would pay Zang Toi to not use another crest in his designs for the rest of his creative existence. I would also give him my salary for a month if he could introduce me to that fine specimen of a man that opened the show in tight brown sequined jeans. Inspired by Naomi Campbell (who isn't?), Jamaica, and reggae, Toi pit browns and blacks against vibrant reds and hot pinks. The second segment of the program, drawing from old Hollywood glamour, was far superior to the seven-outfit intro. Evoking a 50s flavor, the Malaysian-Chinese maker hit us with a women's white sea island cotton wrap shirt with an organza/lace ribbon bow and Swiss cotton trousers and a black/white charvet silk-tie dinner jacket with pleated silk organza tuxedo collar and matching trousers. To confuse things, there were injections of futuristic looks like a platinum snakeskin bustier flare dress and an Alice in Wonderland sky blue silk satin/organza gown. The pièce de résistance came in the form of a delectable strapless white silk satin bridal gown. Oh, and by the way, the only male model that didn't seem to fit in was property of Ivana Trump. Um, Rosano Rubicondi, you're FIRED!

ALEXANDRE HERCHCOVITCH

Brazilian Alexandre Herchcovitch, whose collection was a fusion of kaleidoscope prints and Russian doll silhouettes, provided us with models donning cornrows and crisscrossed braids over their sullen faces in a floral maze setting, which was pretty despite my severe allergic reaction. Standouts included a pair of striped stovepipe pants, a turquoise front-tie blazer with a brown pleated top peeking out, an orange, peach and black silk patchwork halter dress, and a slew of to-die-for empire waist dresses and tops. The brilliance of Mr. Herchcovitch is apparent in the assemblage of colorful separates. No piece is more paramount than the other. Each is a fashion editor's feminine delight. This rising star has undeniably carved a path in the fashion garden.

JEREMY SCOTT

Last year it was a bunch of cheerleaders and sweatshirts. This year it was "Gangsta's Paradise" meets A Knight's Tale. Jeremy Scott just doesn't know when to quit. I wasn't sure if I should throw up gang signs and dodge incoming bullets or help King Arthur on his quest to uphold justice and chivalry in the Bryant Park tents. Black-and-white bandana attire, larger-than-life nylon basketball shorts, chain pattern raingear, and T's printed with guns, Raiders-like crests, and one of a skeletal Lady Liberty are all a sign of a designer crying out for help. More important than what was paraded in front of my unresponsive eyes were pressing questions like: Will Lil' Kim, who's beginning to look an awful lot like Amanda Lepore, ever find her clothes? And can her two colossal bodyguards get out of my way? (I was going to ask them to please move, but I was afraid that one of them might be Suif Jackson, a.k.a. C-Gutta, and wind up with a cap in my booty.) Message to Mr. Scott: Go back to L.A. and take your Bloods, Crips, and Lil' Kim with you.

RACHEL COMEY

Selecting to focus on cool colors and crisp lines, Rachel Comey was on prep patrol with an Olympic twist. Nuzzling couple Christina Ricci and Adam Goldberg marveled over models with wrestling headgear and gymnastics chalk on their arms and legs. A white day dress with jutting pockets, a white sateen jumpsuit, a gym green mixed mesh sweater dress, and a yellow swing top paired with taupe printed box pleat charmeuse pants were among Comey's most wearable inventions. I kindly opt out of commenting on her oddly effeminate menswear line. (Let's just say I feel really bad for the poor boy, pictured left.) And I definitely don't "heart" the fuschia heart/mesh numbers. Comey's sense of humor was illustrated in an aqua crochet and handknit sweater dress with a strategically placed heart over the model's kitty. Meow!

AS FOUR

Ange, Avi, Gabi, and Kai have single-handedly renewed my love affair with fashion. The As Four design quartet demonstrated what a troupe of eclectic forward-thinkers can do and just how well it can be done. Their creations ought to be the blueprint of skillful movement in fashion design. Noticeable in the green silk/charmeuse layered circle dress, the long bois de rose dress with "gotahaveballs," and the red shoulder slice fringed dress, sumptuousness wasn't spared on the textiles or ornamentation. Alongside the aforementioned flowy frocks was a luxe bone leather spiral jacket with fringed canvas Bermuda shorts, and a nude hoof dress in ultraseuede. For the closing moments, models glided across the stage in long lavender silk charmeuse dresses with sheer lavender and fuschia prints. Vincent Gallo, a hunky, post-pubescent Billy Gilman, and the Heatherette boys were on hand to witness a resounding standing ovation as the creators took their bow for what was a palatable yet lengthy program (53 outfits!).

Y & KEI

If As Four converted me, Y & Kei kept my faith in fashion steady. A collection rendered in neutrals, the East meets West sensibility of Hanii Yoon and Gene Kang never fails to blow my knickers. Topped with tousled Princess Leia hair and red lips, model after model dazzled the enamored audience in a silver linen trench with ribbon tie, a white silk chiffon camisole with knotted ribbons and beaded straps, and silver linen men's fit trousers. But that was only the beginning. The cerebral Korean dream team toyed with our hearts with a red beaded/embroidered panel skirt, black beaded/embroidered panel dress, and an equally great black empire waist chiffon dress with beaded straps. As if we weren't smitten with them already, they dropped our jaws with a long antique green silk chiffon gown with knotted ribbons and embroidered piping. The serene lineup offered a glimpse into a world where men's tailoring and romantic chiffons can coexist harmoniously. As for celeb sightings: David Copperfield, who represents the first of two magicians in attendance that day (see Nicholson below), and Serena Williams, who, well, just scares me, even when she's not grunting.

NICHOLSON

Taking narcissism to new levels of gross, Jack Nicholson made his way down the catwalk for a photo op just prior to the start of his daughter's show. Halfway down the runway, he stopped and looked at the audience: beneath his signature shades, his eyes cried, "Why aren't you shouting my name?" Of course, that was quickly remedied. But not even an appearance by Daddy Dearest could save Jennifer Nicholson's show. David Blaine, who has the highest turnover rate of PYTs everywhere, Angie Everhart, and Olympic gold medallist Amanda Beard were onlookers to the polkadoted, striped, and leopard-printed tragedy. The show was tacky in all its burlesque-meets-cow-girl-meets-sailor-meets-pin-up glory. The Lee press-on nails didn't help matters either. Later, down in the Meatpacking district, Jack's fascination with undernourished female meat struck Gotham yet again as he was rumored to have left Spice Market with Kate Moss.

CARMEN MARC VALVO

The media hoopla that surrounded Katie Couric and Angela Bassett (who knew baby got back?) in the seconds leading up to Carmen Marc Valvo's show is an example of the absurdity of America's obsession with all things celebrity. After the gaggle of photographers surrounding the duo were methodically dispersed, one lingering, unassuming paparazzo got a giant collective jeer from the army of banished photographers at the end of the runway. Luckily, my beloved Phillip Bloch made it to his seat unscathed before the tropical procession began. Valvo's muse for the collection was Kathleen Turner in the 1981 thriller Body Heat. The King of Glam revisited classic Valvo Oscar worthy evening looks with a flamingo jersey gown, a coral beaded empire wave gown, and a pearl chiffon jersey gown. Of the many floral prints, a lemon basket woven empire sateen chiffon gown was my top choice. Other sensations included a pearl silk georgette blouse with seed-pearl beaded pencil skirt and an avocado silk chiffon halter with matching palazzo pants, both with silk satin cummerbunds. If you're not a future Bond-girl (i.e. 102 lbs, 5'10" and 0 cellulite), you need not apply.

GHOST

If ever there was a time to play Sheryl Crow's "Soak Up The Sun," it was now. The 20-year-old label, with Amy Roberts as its designer, dangled sorbet-colored pieces in our faces. In the audience: actress Bai Ling, pro-tennis player Monica Seles, New York Giants backup quarterback/Bachelor Jesse Palmer, and singer Amerie took in the simplicity of natural haired, sun-kissed babes in gauzy unstructured clothing. An earthy sweetness was emitted from button down tank dresses with twisted straps, rolled-up Bermuda shorts, rompers with ruffles, crocheted bikinis, halters with eyelets, and delicate wrap dresses. I imagine many a starry night can be spent in Roberts's pale blue, teal, sea-foam, or black fine cotton dresses. The voyage through faded tunics, bright sarongs, and reinvented saris added the spice that completed an unequivocally perfect collection. Unpretentious sexiness is the only way to describe Ghost. And fulfilled is the only way to express how I feel.

Alas, the chill has set in. Fashion week is over. My closing this year is simple: Stand for something other than a Prada sample sale line. Vote!

This message has been approved by Alexa Camp
© slant magazine, 2004.

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