While in beautiful Belize contently sipping on a tropical beverage with one of those miniature umbrellas, something occurred to me: Mercedes-Benz Fashion Week Fall 2003 is here. (Gulp!) My heart began palpitating and I sat straight up in my beach chair. (Sip.) "Oh my, I need to head back to New York!" I said. (Slurp. Sip.) But after I finish my drink, of course! Later, as my sun-kissed self arrived in Gotham, the horrid weather made me rethink my previous state of urgency. But alas, I always choose to suffer for fashion.

FASHION SNIPPETS (for those with short attention-spans):

1. The cargo hype continues
2. Aviator inspiration takes off
3. Forget Marvel, become your own cape(d) crusader
4. There's an army surplus, a la G.I. Jane
5. Dare to go mini
6. The mid-60s are back (think Twiggy, not hemp).as are the 70s.and, well, the 80s
7. PETA is seeing red as designers inundate us with fur for Fall
8. Miss Piggy was contemplating front row attendance at Jeremy Scott's event but was a no-show. Maybe Kermie needed some T-L-C from the notorious P-I-G?

FASHION PLEAS:

1. Attendees - Stop bringing your pets to shows. I will step on lil' Fifi.
2. PR Firms - Get your check-in desks in order. If I take the time to RSVP, I expect a seat and not a place in line with the FIT/Parsons standing ninnies!
3. Designers - Even during the Blizzard of 2003 you feel the need to tout tons of T&A down that catwalk. Not only are you blinding me with nips and cheeks, but I find myself staring more at tits and cracks than at your actual creations! But I do cherish the gift bags.so, keep 'em coming!
4. Models - The double-sided tape isn't working so shake off last night's hangover just enough to cover up your boobies. Oh, and learn how to walk. Rumor has it that über-model extraordinaire Naomi Campbell tripped at the Michael Kors show Wednesday. It's okay honey, you're still the baddest bitch that ever worked the runway.

SEAN JOHN

Shelling out a rumored $2 million, P. Diddy spared no expense in showing his Fall 2003 collection at Ciprianis, yet again. Of course, we're not surprised. But when a slew of female models erupted onto the runway from backstage, interrupting the ultra-hot stream of to-die-for Adonises, shock came all over my gorgeous face. The audacity.only in the biz for four years and Puff Dizzy is already foreshadowing a tentative premiere of ghetto-fab Sean John Womenswear (coming Spring 2004). Now that's what I call gangsta! Ringing true with his theme of "Renegade Chic," P. Fuzzy sent fur-trimmed cashmere parkas, motocross jackets and silk cargo jumpsuits down the plexiglass runway. As for his suits, Mr. Combs's tailoring seams to have improved slightly. Perhaps next year he'll get rid of the sheen. Separately, I spied a bevy of stars from Mary J. Blige, Macy Gray, Busta Rhymes to Kelly Osbourne, designer Zac Posen and a pregnant Kelly Ripa with her Hottie McHot husband in tow.

DKNY

Donna has scarlet fever! Karan, opting to show in Chelsea, brilliantly fused private-school-girl meets corporate 9-to-5'er with a touch of L.E.S., and the outcome exemplified sheer simplicity. What an interesting color palette: scarlet red as an accent to the grays, blacks and navys, alongside the not-so-typical hot pinks, lavenders, yellows and mint greens. She had flirty silk dresses and lace skirts matched up against houndstooth jackets and glen plaid minis worn with silver chain belts. Love that scarlet coat with the front placard that model Ana Mihajlovic wore! Donna, would you be a dear and send me one?

CARLOS MIELE

There's nothing really negative you can say about the São Paulo-born designer and his charitable efforts but there was nothing really special about his collection on Tuesday night. Imagine furry Muppets with messy up-dos and smokey eyes donning sexy mesh armour lost in a Crayola jungle ready to go to war against your Grandma Rose's crocheted jackets. Now pause. It's quite amusing, isn't it? Rapper Eve (and/or her much sought after Louis Vuitton rainbow monogram bag) caused more of a raucous avant-show.

ECKO

Urban wear is everywhere these days. Rappers/singers are just beside themselves whimsically churning out new lines. (Whimper.) If they'd only leave it to the people who do it best, all would be okay on the streets once again. (Sigh.) Instead we get pummeled to death with urban half-assed wear. (Mrmph.) Anywho, Marc Ecko's aptly titled "Dreamnasium: Runway Sexstravaganza" was sporty-street chic. A sort of "take me out to the camouflaged ball game/boxing match and fuck me" if you will. Neo-soul R&B crooner Bilal and my personal crush MTV vee-jay Quddus were spotted. (Squish.)

HANEZA

Once upon a time, in an "Enchanted Forest" neatly tucked inside The Studio at the Bryant Park tents, velvets, raw-edged leathers and patchwork all lived happily ever after. Haneza's Hae Ja Han designs have an airy, tranquil feel about them. While I'm not the biggest "What is that, velvet?" fan, unfinished metallic leathers coincided well with lace and satin. For the finale, former (or so we thought) model Roshumba Williams in a white beaded cropped top and patchwork skirt did a catwalk comeback (or a less successful "runway reprise," depending on who you ask) for the Korean designer.

Y&KEI

Korean husband and wife team, "Y" (Hanii Yoon) and "Kei" (Gene Kang) have done it again. Huge silver rings circled the entrance, techno filled the room and the rouched, laced-up models were off. Low-hung, oversized silk cargos, a fox bomber jacket and a suede duffle bag represent just few of my ultra-fave pieces. The detailing was incredible with a variety of furs, buckles, straps, crystal beading and delicate embroidery. Dominican diva Omahyra Mota, in a lace camisole and silk drawstring pull-up pants, had mucho presence! On a final note, holy subwoofer! My ass didn't stop vibrating for like an hour afterwards. Check out Y&Kei's new store on Greene Street in SoHo. (Plug.)

ANAND JON

Was this collection for real? Not like I could focus much what with Lizzie Grubman, sans pinstripes, in the first row, MetroTV's Robert Verdi in the third and photographer Patrick McMullan schmoozing and snapping pre-show shots. I guess I shall refrain from completely bashing the event because, after all, Mr. Jon's combo of spiritual, traditional Indian motifs with a touch of modern is so all over the place that it's enough to make a girl vomit. The double-sided tape blunder included some fun pieces like strategically cut tunic dresses but the only truly relieving break was a semi-descent men's collection accompanied by Lamya's "Empires (Bring Me Men)."

MONIQUE LHUILLIER

From France, Spain and the Philippines with love! In what was by far the best show of the Fall '03 season, multi-cultural designer Monique Lhuillier showed her inner coquette. Despite Oksana Bayul's triple salchow taste in brown suede platform shoes and adorable stylist Phillip Bloch's winter cream hat and scarf combo, the catwalk had my undivided attention. Breathtaking was Alek Wek, who opened the show, in Madame Lhuillier's black velour pantsuit, then in a black strapless chiffon cocktail number and later in a sexy platinum beaded v-neck gown. Blonde Brazilian bombshell Ana Beatriz Barros looked stunning in a lavender taffeta gown with pick-up ball skirt. Hair and make-up was simply elegant and a minimal touch of jewelry only added to a collection that epitomized an uncommon prettiness.

CALVIN KLEIN

Have you no mercy Calvin Klein? I schlepped my way to West 15th street for what was to be my last show. Slightly saddened by the sale of Calvin Klein, Inc. to Philips-Van Heusen Corp. for a whopping $430 million, I wasn't surprised that the minimalist's color scheme was a morose one. Mr. Klein produced a number of great looks like perfectly tailored military-style leather jackets, layered silk cocktail dresses, hot brown boots and barely-there belts. But shocking were the multi-colored safari print dresses/skirts and missing were dresses for Oscar hopeful Renee Zellweger to wear on her big night. The conclusion provided us with Calvin clad in jeans and New Balance sneakers taking a (final?) bow. We'll miss you sir. You are and have always been the very essence of modern New York.

AND THEN THERE WAS ONE.

My stylist friend can't stop raving about Brooklyn's virtual unknown, Abiola Davis's fashion line Vaine, which includes the most insane ass-enhancing silk jumpers you've ever seen! Okay, so they won't make your posterior resemble J Lo's, but where can you find these jumpers and other great pieces like her sheer floral print silk chiffon kimono tops with wide leather belts, cream silk herum pants and fierce leather bags, you ask? Check out Pieces in Brooklyn [671 Vanderbilt Ave. between Park Place and Prospect Place] or Yamak in the West Village [321.5 Bleeker Street between Christopher and Grove]! Davis's designs sell like hotcakes, so run!

It's a crazy world we live in where Marc Jacobs dumps Sofia Coppola and opts for Winona "five-finger discount" Ryder for his Spring ad campaign and where Belize's Prime Minister can easily be your next door neighbor. America's fixation on all things celebrity is astounding. It typically doesn't bother me much until it directly affects me. Like when a star cuts long lines to enter a warm venue while the rest of us peon reporter/stylists wait outside in the blistering cold as body part upon body part increasingly loses all feeling. Would I have stayed on holiday and missed good ol' Fashion Week though.not on your Manolo Blahnik life! Until next time..

Alexa Camp
© slant magazine, 2003.

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