Dear Aunt Alexa:
How are you? I hear New York has been having warmer-than-average temperatures lately. Is this a sign of the impending apocalypse or merely a Hollywood cross-promotion in anticipation of
The Day After Tomorrow? Whatever the case, I'm sure you're already indulging yourself in the latest summer fashions in preparation for tanning season. I can't wait to see you so I can try on all your new bathing suits.
I really hope I can come home soon. We're in our final week of "activities" here at the George W. Bush Marital Sanctity Boot Camp and I've never felt so alone. Just the other night, our instructor, Signora Cheney, took us on a field trip to the local movie house. We were given three viewing choices:
Shrek 2,
Kill Bill: Vol. 2, or the concluding installment of Marcel Ophuls's World War II trilogy,
Lots of Sorrow, Even More Pity. I voted for the latter. I suppose I should have realized this would be an unpopular choice among my peers, but you've always taught me to speak my mind, so I remained steadfast in my vote, even after Tommy Hawxhurst hurled a rock-hardened spitball at my face. I've been told by Nurse van der Böötenstrasse that my nose will heal by the time I come home, and my vision is almost back to normal.
But I digress. My campmates settled on
Shrek 2 and so I dutifully followed. You know my less-than-positive feelings toward the first
Shrek, and I assume that you've read my one-star review of the sequel, which Uncle Ed recently published on his website. Well my campmates read it too, as did Signora Cheney. Aside from me, pretty much all of my campmates loved the movie (even the ones who didn't see it, like George Grist, who wet his pants on the bus in anticipation and spent the remainder of the night in the bathroom), and upon realizing my feelings, Signora Cheney proposed a contest. The gist of it: Whoever wrote the most vicious response to my negative review would be exempt from bathroom duty and also get to whip my broken nose five times with Signora Cheney's miniature cat-o'-nine-tails.
Sounds harsh and slightly perverse, I know, but to Signora's credit, she allowed me to select a few of my campmates' letters and respond to them however I pleased. Signora Cheney was also kind enough to let me pick the contest winner, and so I chose Melissa Me, the girl who I've had a terrible crush on since 4th grade. She hates me of course, but I'll tell you Aunt Alexa, every lash she dealt from the cat-o'-nine-tails seemed the sweetest of kisses and every insult she spat sounded like the most heavenly of choirs. I suspect that, some day, Melissa will be my wife, or, at the very least, my master.
I've included my campmates' letters and my responses to them for you to look over. I hope you'll get some enjoyment and edification out of the whole enterprise, and I hope we can discuss this past year in more depth when I get back, perhaps over a few Long Island Iced Teas? Now if you'll excuse me, Aunt Alexa, I need to swallow some castor oil and induce vomiting to dull the pain in my nose. At least that's what Nurse van der Böötenstrasse said I should do. See you soon.
Much love from your nephew,
Keith Uhlich
Dear Mr. Uhlich,
Having not yet seen
Shrek 2 but having read your review, may I suggest that a good number of the "rabble in the pit" are children? You seem to neglect this fact entirely; surely a rather severe point considering the age of many of the target audience.
George Grist
Dear George:
Fact not ignored actually. Believe me, I am very concerned that millions of children are being subjected to Shrek 2
's rancid non-message, though the term "rabble" is here meant to address a collective rather than an individual mindset. One of Shrek 2
's failings is that it aims to please groups that don't exist outside of the mind of marketers. I don't write my reviews based on demographic breakdown and I believe any work of art that aspires primarily to "demographic" principles (as Shrek
so clearly does) is doomed to failure. I was pleased to see that the children at the screening I attended were hip to the film's lies. They were often restless and bored, escaping into their own individual worlds and perceptions, while their adult counterparts (who were lapping up the pointless references and fart jokes like Pavlov's dogs) tellingly shushed the kids into resentful silence.
YOUR NUTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [sic]
Linda Martinez, DDS Oakland Golden Gate
Dear Linda:
What?! Oh!!! My goodness!!!! Please excuse me. Note to self: Stop wearing thongs.
Just read your
Shrek 2 review. You're entitled to your opinion, but your WRITING, well, goodness me! Never met an adjective you didn't like eh? Writing teachers the world wide are rolling their eyes at you dear fellow. And could you please clarify the socio-political gobbledy-gook in the last paragraph? "Enquiring minds want to know."
Larry Carpenter
Dear Larry:
I once met an adjective I didn't like in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I'll never know. As to the socio-political gobbledy-gook: The makers of Shrek 2
seem overly comfortable positing these two cuddly green ogres (ogres, by definition, are not cuddly) as a complex romantic ideal, while cruelly simplifying the characters around them according to who's doing the vocals. Hence Rupert Everett can't get the girl 'cause, after all, fags never get the girl, unless you count his eleventh-hour pairing with that horrendous-parody-of-a-transsexual Ugly Stepsister, added proof that Larry King has zero taste in movies. Further, isn't it telling that Eddie Murphy's dark-skinned Donkey is only truly happy when he's a gleaming white stallion? Enquiring minds, indeed! But the biggest offense is saved for Donkey and Puss-'n-Boots's rendition of "Livin' La Vida Loca," 'cause after all, say Shrek
's creators, only a spic and a nigger would sing that song.
Jeez, you don't suppose you're over thinkin' it a bit? The film is a kids [sic] movie that most adults can enjoy as well, after all. Do you watch all cartoons and weep at the wasted opportunity of insight that each represents? "If only Bugs had reflected for a moment on the poingancy [sic] of the shared mortality between he and E. Fudd before he dropped the piano." Ahh, unrealized potential, thy name is Bugs Bunny. And why the hell does Rupert always have to play a gay guy that gets the guy in order for his role not to be a slap in the face for all gaydom? You're trying to [sic] hard, Keith.
Travis
Dear Travis:
See above for my thoughts on poor Rupert. I'm saddened by your suggestion that I see Bugs Bunny's potential as unrealized, especially since I named Looney Tunes: Back in Action
the best film of 2003. Why didn't a worldwide mass of adults and children share in that glorious experience? My supposition is that, unlike Shrek
, Looney Tunes
wasn't easily classified as a "kids' movie that most adults can enjoy." Faced with something strange and challenging, it was easier to reject the film than engage with it. A similar fate befell the equally wonderful Babe: Pig in the City
. Shrek
fits into all the easy boxes of experience, demanding nothing more than the most superficial knowledge of the latest E! Entertainment News broadcast. I certainly didn't weep at wasted opportunities because there were none there to begin with, and I prefer to expend my tears on works that deserve the effort.
One of my co-workers [at Pixar] just posted your
Shrek 2 review to one of our large, internal email aliases…that means you'll have a couple hundred more readers today! :)
Austin Lee
Dear Austin:
Do I sense a brewing Pixar/DreamWorks rivalry? Nah! ;)
HERE I AM READING ALL THESE GLOWING REVIEWS FOR
SHREK 2 AND IN THE MIDDLE OF IT IS SOME NOBODY FROM A NOTHING MAGAZINE CALLING SOMETHING THAT ALMOST EVERY PERSON OUT THERE LOVED GARBAGE. CAN YOU SPELL LOSER I CAN K-E-I-T-H U-H-L-I-C-H!!
MARY PLUMERI
Dear Mary:
Can you spell conformist? I can. M-A-R-Y-space-P-L-U-M-E-R-I. What does that mean? Turn off your CAPS LOCK, go to the library, ask for a dictionary, and tell 'em the loser sent you.
Shrek 2, for all of the things that it may or may not be, is almost certainly not an art-house classic or [sic] a critically-acclaimed box-office failure. The film exists to entertain the populace-stooping to the lowest common denominator if need be-and to sell merchandise. The review has confused me somewhat, but it seems like you were expecting an intelligent treatis [sic] on Marxist philosophy. If so, I can see how you were disappointed. Still, I thought that part of reviewing movies was to judge a film on its own merits…not all of the things that it could have been if it had had a different director, cast, and production team.
Another bit of constructive criticism: using big words to sound more intelligent while you bash the movie accomplishes nothing. If I'm reading reviews of
Shrek 2, I'm not going to judge the "correctness" of a review based on the author's vocabulary. Obviously, this movie is far below your intelligence level…feel free to watch your surreal French comedies and drone on about its self-indulgent decadence and je ne sais quoi. I'll be watching
Shrek 2 and having fun laughing at both the movie and those who aren't able to appreciate its simple but brilliant beauty.
Paul Webb
Dear Paul:
I certainly did deal with Shrek 2
on its own merits. It's a film that, whether intentional or not, offers mixed messages about societal stereotypes, purporting to be anti-establishment when it is actually conformist. Funny that in your first paragraph you offer a very intelligent description of "propaganda" and then go on to state your willing acquiescence to a particularly officious example. Hope you're enjoying the cake.
Every now and then I get the notion that film critics are little more than failed moviemakers who weren't creative enough to get into that business, so they slam anything successful. Your review of
Shrek 2 certainly maikes [sic] that opinion more firm. If
Shrek was such garbage, it was certainly popular garbage. So, if more people liked it than didn't whose opinion is likely to be correct? What were you looking for, an angst-ridden character like Woody Allen puts into EVERY ONE of his POS films? More likely than not, the makers of
Shrek 2 will win the hearts of moviegoers while you continue to be bitter because your screenplay of some load of "artistic" crap continues to sit on your desk.
Roy H. Wells
Dear Roy:
Ah the old "failed filmmaker" assumption. Would that I could completely debunk that myth Roy, but I've seen several examples of this unfortunate malady in my time so it would be hypocritical of me to deny the condition. I, however, am not one of those bitter and bilious sons-of-bitches. I do this work because I love it-desperately, deliriously, with all my being. Contrary to some similar assumptions, I am rarely paid for any of my writing efforts, and any meager sums I earn usually come from teaching, which (if anyone is up for the challenge) I'm currently practicing at Long Island's Hofstra University. I proudly claim myself as both a member of the day-job working class and a frequent opponent of Woody Allen's complacent middlebrow pseudo-comedies. And speaking of groups, where do you get off suggesting that the majority opinion is always the correct one? Need I pose the old Brooklyn Bridge query?
Do you not have any sense of humor at all? Did you not understand the backbone of
Shrek? You completly [sic] missed the main idea of the
Shrek serries [sic]. The main idea was to create satyrical [sic] jokes about popular fairytales. That is what gives the film its magic. It is easily the funniest film of the year yet. I also see no problems with the casting, in which you ravagely [sic] criticized. Your review is absolutely biased and unprofessional, especially if it's a review coming from a professional firm (Slant Magazine)! Everything is completely negative. Nowhere did you give any positive review. A proffessional [sic] review would have contained 3 points of views [sic]. Negative, neutral, and positive. Then, as a conclusion, you weigh those point of views [sic] to generate a score. I am especially outraged that you meantioned [sic]
Shrek serries [sic] to be "No less than the butt-ugly, digitally animated version…" with not a single word of respect nor credit. Do you know how much it was put in to create such a beautiful, artistic, and hilarious animated feature film? Obviously no idea! Until you get your facts straightened and your biased opinion washed away, your review is worth less than garbage to the whole movie industry.
Kengi Her
Dear Kengi:
Actually, I did mention that Antonio Banderas was wonderful as Puss-'n-Boots. And yes, I do realize that a lot of hard work went into Shrek 2
, as it does-more or less-in any movie production. That's no reason for a critic to temper his opinion if the result is as rotten as this film. Criticism of any sort needs to get away from such easy-out excuses. I would also like to thank you for offering a better point-by-point description of how NOT to write a movie review than I ever could. Film critic hopefuls, take note.
Dear Keith,
After reading your review of
Shrek 2, certainly one that exists in the minority among the so-called "film experts," I cannot help but think that you simply have no sense of humor. Must a movie carry a clear and all-inclusive moralistic viewpoint and avoid the usual societal jests altogether in order to survive a modern critic? I should hope not. The brilliance behind movies like
Shrek is that they provide serendipity in a solipsistic world of scourge and war. Perhaps your diatribe suggests that you lack the perspective, or that you take yourself too seriously to bother with the masses.
Jonathan
Dear Jonathan:
"Serendipity in a solipsistic world of scourge and war?" As serendipity is defined as "a natural gift for making useful discoveries by accident," I can only assume you mean serenity: "without worry, stress, or disturbance." In other words, Shrek
provides a comforting and peaceful escape in this, the shittiest of all possible worlds (apologies to Voltaire). We have differing points of view on the role of movies in culture. I say this as a self-proclaimed member of the masses: Far from being strictly escapist fare, movies help to inform and enhance our worldviews. I don't want to forget the atrocities of Abu Ghraib or the beheading of Nick Berg when I see a film. I want the film to complicate my perceptions, forcing proactive thought on both present day and historical events. Shrek
, in my opinion, is a blinding impediment, a film that cloaks such thought within a veil of passivity.
What the hell are you talking about? "slapstick" "shameful waste" "No less than the butt-ugly, digitally animated version" Does your boss know that you're one mean fucked-up shit4brain? You should be shot for putting up comments like these. Those animators and writers are no less than geniuses-do you think they spent so much time-effort-money to put something that great together for some lonely fucker like you to criticize? The outrage.
Jon Animagi
Dear Jon:
Thank you for your death threat. When you present the creators of Shrek
with the Nobel Prize for Genius please tell them the mean, lonely, fucked-up shit4brain offers his humblest apologies.
Hello. As a reader I look to movie critics and reviewers so that I can form an opinion as to what I may want movies [sic] I may want to see in the future. Because of this, credibility is a big issue. If someone tells me a movie is fantastic I may go to see it. If it is horrible I probably will not listen to that person again, or I would probably stop taking that person's criticisms seriously. Just the same, if someone pans a movie that most of the civilized world thinks is the best thing since (Insert something really good here.), I would have to think that there is a problem with the critic, rather then [sic] the film. Perhaps he dropped his caramel apple as a child, or his parents forced him to eat liver once to [sic] often. That being said, around 90% of the civilized world (and 94,7% [sic] of the uncivilized world) thought
Shrek was somewhere between a good and fantastically terrific movie. Sure it was made primarily for kids, but as a parent I enjoyed it a heck of a lot more then [sic]
The Country Bears or
102 Dalmatians. So when Keith Uhlich writes, "Credit
Shrek 2 for being the rare sequel that more or less equals its predecessor- the first film was garbage, and so is the second," I have to assume that he had one of those unfortunate childhood experiences. My god! That sounds like something Stalin would say. Well, to sum this up, this review is so blatantly unreasonable that I have lost faith in this column, and I am beginning to lose faith in Slant Magazine's ability to choose unbiased writers.
Eric N. Solomont
Dear Eric:
If I may be blunt your letter makes me [sic]. Aside from your naïve assumptions about my childhood experiences, your bantering about of the word "civilized" shows you to be as biased a commentator as you accuse me of being. Talk about unreasonable: On what do you base your 90% civilized/94.7% uncivilized breakdown? I can only speculate that this is a reflection of the "civilized" United States vs. our "uncivilized" neighbors-those gosh-durn Eye-Rack-Ees! Then again maybe you're just using a jokey metaphor to lighten your accusation of Communism in which case this red-flag waving dictator of German (Hitler), Italian (Mussolini), and Croatian (Milosevic) descent sentences you to 40 years in a Siberian gulag.
You're a f*cking idiot.
Shrek (1) was one of the best movies of 2001. I guess the Oscar it won was just for being "garbage" as you so elequently [sic] put it. I haven't seen
Shrek 2 yet (duh), but your comments on
Shrek (1) already prove you're a f*cking idiot. How do I get a lame job like yours… Oh wait, never mind, I'd hate to take such a pay-cut. Eat Ogre Sh:t and Die.
Melissa Me
Dearest Melissa:
Congratulations! You have won the Shrek 2
hate mail contest, hands down. Your prize is a special computer chip, which will disable the brain's ability to censor curse words, effectively enhancing your already prevalent Tourette's syndrome! And it will all be for you darling Melissa-my life, my love, my dominator-for thine has truly shown me the error of my ways.
Dear Mr. Uhlich:
I wanted to commend you on a brilliant review. You eloquently wrote everything I felt, but couldn't find the words to say. I would hug you if I could. Thank you for not stooping down to the lowest common denominator and finding a movie with so little humor actually funny. At least there are others out there that feel the same way I do. I am now your biggest fan.
Regards,
Noella Rosbrugh
More Letters From Camp
