So here I am, basking in the post-masochistic glow of Mr. & Mrs. Smith, wondering if things might have turned out differently for Gigli had Ben & Jen beat the shit out of each other on screen the way Brad & Angelina do in their new movie. But let's face it, Brangelina is much hotter than Bennifer…and Nicolette Sheridan is no Heather Locklear…and Hilary Duff is certainly no Mandy Moore. Let's call a spade a spade. There's no such thing as The Perfect Man, people! Wait, what movie am I talking about? In the immortal words of Bette Davis, sometimes people cry when they're happy and laugh when they're mad. Well, I did a little of both during Mr. & Mrs. Smith, and most of it was during that sweaty fight/sex scene. All that was missing was a naked light saber sequence with that guy from Swingers and Adam Brody from The O.C. in the role of Yoda. And speaking of adolescent phallic imagery, I've got a whole new load of hate-mail to sort through and a lot of it comes from Star Wars geeks with computers (who knew?), so I better hop to it.



RE: You need to use paragraphs in your writing.

Mike Y

Dear Mikey, Sorry. We can only afford one computer for the entire Slant office and the Enter key is broken on the keyboard. Again, we apologize and hope that you'll continue reading despite our inability to properly construct paragraphs. Thanks. On another note, which probably deserves its own paragraph but which I can't do anything about for the abovementioned reasons, please try not to put your whole message in the subject field while leaving the body of your email blank. It's really annoying. Almost as much as people who don't use paragraphs. Alexa



RE: Amelie

Just read your review of Amelie. Wow! How long does it take for a critic to get that jaded?

J D

Hi, J D!

Very good question, and one that I've asked myself many times over the years. The answer is 117 minutes, 122 minutes, or 129 minutes, depending on which version of the film you're watching. Thanks for your question.

Alexa



RE: From a Christian perspective the ABC's Lost

Dear Sir/Ma'am,

Lost has reminded me a very important thing I neglect to remember in the daily life: the value of human life and how one should be grateful to God for it. As people who survived from such a plane crash, I think the characters' failure to express their gratefulness to God for granting another opportunity for life, their not speaking a word about this blessing is something missing. I ask you to compensate this absence, for one inevitably expects these people to turn to God, remember Him and clearly thank Him. As an audience, this is what we expect from the characters.

Thanks for your concern.

Michell Fernandez

Dear Michell:

Jesus Christ. We didn't even start our TV section yet when you sent this email, but since I love Lost and we'll have to wait at least four months before we can write about it on the site, I'll try to answer your question on behalf of the show's characters: I'm sure if you had just crash-landed on an island (filled with mysterious monsters, homicidal kidnappers and a crazy Frenchwoman) without food, water, medicine, shelter, or your loved ones, the last thing you'd be doing is praying to Jehovah to thank him for such a blessing. Besides, watching 47 people kneeling and praying to God for giving them the gift of having to endure the horrors and discomforts of island life would probably be about as exciting as watching Mother Angelica incessantly recite Hail Marys on the Eternal World Television Network.



RE: Oldboy

You gave Oldboy a pretty horrible review. I think it's a modern classic and one of the best movies I've ever seen. It's nice to know that you are in the VAST minority, especially with film critics worth their salt. Have you thought about reconsidering your stance and writing a new review?

Edward Kim

Dear Edward,

Ed deeply resents you lumping him in with critics such as Rex Reed, who also disliked the movie in question. Now, I haven't seen Oldboy, but maybe the critics you mentioned who supposedly liked the film can add some of their so-called "salt" to the kimchi Reed described as "a mixture of raw garlic and cabbage buried underground until it rots, dug up from the grave and then served in earthenware pots sold at the Seoul airport as souvenirs," because that shit sounds really nasty.



RE: Yellow stars?

Having just come across your site to read the review of Palindromes, it appeared that the film had been given 4 stars. Once I read the review trashing the film, I looked back at the stars, then FINALLY noticed that a half of a star had been filled with an almost invisible yellow tint. Who the hell can see yellow? Consider revising the color of your stars, and gray out the borders of the black star outlines.

Glenn Worthman

Dear Glenn:

Depending on which studies you believe, about 12-20% of the white male population (and a smaller fraction of the female population) suffer from a disorder called "color-blindness," which is the partial or complete inability to distinguish colors, particularly red and green, but also yellow. Before we shell out the resources to pay a graphic designer to completely redesign our site so that you can properly view our rating system, may we suggest you get yourself to an eye doctor first? Thanks,

Alexa



RE: Mariah

Reading your hateful and abysmally self congratulating Mariah Carey retrospective I now understand why gay men are considered the weaker sex. I don't think I have ever heard four more obviously jealous souls comment on someone of actual talent with such contempt. The question is what are you jealous of? Perhaps it's the fact that this woman was born with a vagina and you four just pretend to have one. Is it she who is trying to fool the masses or is it you? Do you think being unkind to someone better than you makes up for the lack of respect and unpopularity you people had to endure in your formative years? I think not.

Kevjoh22

Dear Honey:

Rich, Sal and Eric love their dicks. And they don't have to resort to calling people "gay" to prove how well endowed they are. I, on the other hand, am pretty sure I have a vagina. And, by the way, if it weren't for gay men, Mimi wouldn't even have a career. But you already knew that, you silly, self-hating faggot.



RE: confused

Some of you stuck up critics really get on my nerves. Just because you don't understand something doesn't mean it's wrong or bad. Obviously somebody likes it. It's the #1 movie in the country ($22 million). You must be Caucasian because you don't understand our culture. So don't say something is bad. Just say you don't understand it, and I don't expect you to. Just keep in mind that what you wrote is an opinion and that only. I haven't seen the movie yet but when I do. [Alexa's note: Okay, let's stop right here, shall we, folks? If you feel compelled to send us an email because your life is so empty and your job is so unfulfilling that you have no other outlet to express yourself or find validation but you have not seen the film or heard the album you are writing to us about, do not—and I repeat, do not under any circumstances—click the "send" button. Thank you. Now back to our regularly scheduled lynching.] I'm sure I won't be disappointed. I think you should find yourself another job. You need to step outside that box you're living in. [Alexa's note: And here comes my favorite part.] God bless.

Antonio Reed



RE: raise your voice

I cannot be live any thing that has ben going on the movie raise your voice was a good movie for teens I had a lot of friends who went to see this movie and went on with there dreams. I have all ready got my movie. I think Hilary duff is someone who is really good and I have lot of friends who look up too her and I do not like when people say bad things about her.

Dychko98

Dear Dychko98:

Thank you, Dychko. Thank you for that. Reading your email was truly a sublime experience. I'm starting to seriously consider talking to Management about changing Slant Magazine to the Official I Hate Hilary Duff Fan Club. And yes, it's because I'm jealous. I, Alexa Camp, am jealous of Hilary Duff. There, I said it. So don't bother sending me hate mail telling me what I already know. I'm jealous of her five Kids' Choice Award nominations, not to mention her four Teen Choice Award nods. I spend my nights watching Raise Your Voice and A Cinderella Story on DVD, pausing at all the close-ups and replaying all of Hil's emotional moments, especially that award-worthy moment when she's got her hair did and she's about to lip-sync that rock song at the performing arts summer camp talent show and she tells her father how much it means to her. "You don't know me, Daddy," she says. "Billy's dead and my talent is all I've got," she tells him, her eyes filling with tears as she touches herself inappropriately. "Please, Daddy," she begs, "let me sing. Just let me sing!" And then I listen to my Hilary Duff CD...alone...crying...and screaming...and touching myself...like Joan Crawford in Possessed. Because I'm just that pathetic. Thanks for reminding me. I hope you're happy now.

Alexa



RE: American Idiot

no offence but what fuckin drugs are you on? american idiot is one of the worst, pretentious , and insulting songs ever made they are a bunch of cunts and so are you for suggesting this pice of fuckin crap could ever be called a song. its more an insult to the ears and senses. fuck you for promoting it they are a buch of full on fuckon fuck wits and so are you. learn about music you fuckin cunt and thats all i got to say about that.

Dave Newton

Dear Dave:

I never thought I'd be thanking this many readers in one of my hate-mail columns, but thank you. Thank you for contributing to the superiority complexes of American Idiot fans everywhere.

Alexa



RE: My Summer of Love Review

Mr. Gonzalez:

I deeply object to the use of the phrase "reaching for each other's cooters" to characterize the lesbian relationship portrayed in the film on both a professional and personal level. As the proud owner of a "cooter" myself, I am all too familiar with the misogynistic intent of your chosen phrase; as a fellow critic I think you do a disservice to your audience by casually tossing out such a crass description.

I am not an advocate of censorship and certainly you are entitled to your opinion. If what you mean to say is that the relationship between Mona and Tamsin feels contrived, or that the film is voyeuristic—than please say that. Please do not thoughtlessly use offensive phrases in place of reasoned opinion.

Regards,

Valerie Bantner, The Marina Times

Dear Valerie:

Wow. I never thought I'd encounter someone more uptight than Ed, but you have proven me wrong. As a proud owner of a "cooter" myself, might I suggest you get yours worked on sometime soon? Thinking of you,

Alexa



RE: Pooh's Heffalump Movie

Hey, I just read your review/homosexual-rights hit piece entitled Pooh's Heffalump Movie, and I must say that I am concerned about the overall tone of your work. While your "news" site, appropriately entitled "Slant," is known for its left-leaning coverage, I feel that to include that biased opinion, and to somehow include a message about tolerating homosexuality, in a review about a stuffed bear, a tiger that bounces on its tail, a "heffalump," and a gardening rabbit is, at best, slightly juvenile and, at worst, putting you in the same league as Dr. Dobson who derived an anti-homosexuality statement from a talking sponge. I am not writing to argue about the merits of homosexuality (although you have probably guessed I am not a firm supporter of it), as much as I am writing to criticize your vehicle for spreading your opinion (and let's get this straight, that is all that you have included in this article). First, you declare in the beginning your displeasure for Free Republic and Dr. Dobson for choosing to see the worst in people. However, I find it ironic that you associate the same stereotypes that you condemn with Dr. Dobson, such as his "cronies" and "conservative nutbags." By the same token, you associate the message of realizing the "nature and silliness of people's false perceptions" with compassion, but use this article to attack Dobson as a "nutbag," "fascist," "suspicious buffoon" ad nauseum, which (at least in my opinion) is not very tolerant of Dobson. Again, you sound like you are mocking yourself when you laugh at the Free Republic, "where 'Defending Our Constitution' is preached but dissent is condemned on the site's message boards" for their obvious distaste of dissent, while you are intolerant of their beliefs that homosexuality is wrong. Well, those are the thoughts I had while reading your review. Feel free to disagree with me, because I, unlike the Dr. Dobsons and Ed Gonzalezes of the world, am a tolerant person.

Brett Alden Lutes

Dear Brett:

I resent you referring to Winnie the Pooh as "a stuffed bear." You, sir, need to take that dick out of your mouth and seriously consider the meaning of "tolerance." I try not to get too preachy in my column, but to be truly "tolerant" one must be intolerant of intolerance, whether it's against men with a hankering for the sweet taste of other men, or cute n' fuzzy yellow bears with a taste for honey. I'll give you a few seconds for your melon brain to absorb all that. Thanks.



RE: Star Wars Review

Gee, several mentions of penis and one about pissing or something like that. Methinks thou art in need of a woman's touch (or a mans, not that there's anything wrong with that).

Scott Peters

Right-o, Scotty. Ain't nothin' wrong with a little man-on-man light saber action. Unless you're Brett Alden Lutes, who doesn't "support" that kind of play. And neither does Jesus. Just ask Mark Webb and Shelley Mandiville of Essex, England, whose homemade light sabers exploded and burned them alive. Accident? I think not. Love,

Alexa



RE: Four Penises?

I think you should've rethought allowing your personal insecurities to be included in your review of Revenge of the Sith.

Jesus Ramirez

Dear Jesus:

It's been a long time since we've talked, so I have to ask: Is man-on-man light saber action kosher with the Big Guy Upstairs? See you soon,

Alexa



RE: Star Wars

Kerry lost. Get over it.

Kyle Redstreaks

Dear Kyle Redstates:

We're over Kerry's loss, bless his heart. What we here at Slant Magazine are not over is Michael Dukakis and his precious wife Kitty.

Alexa



And finally, speaking of trilogies, we received this TKO from someone who calls herself LAdyOfTheLake317 in response to Jeremiah Kipp's review of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy:

RE: you slandered a good book. now you must pay.

YOU ARE A FUCKING ASSHOLE AND THAT IS ALL I HAVE TO SAY. THIS IS MY HATE MAIL FROM ME TO YOU. HITCHIKER'S GUIDE TO THE GALAXY IS ONE OF THE BEST BOOKS I HAVE EVER READ. IT IS SO EFFIN FUNNY!!!! AND IF YOU CAN'T GET THAT THEN I SUPPOSE YOU WILL JUST HAVE TO START LISTENING TO GREEN DAY BECAUSE THEN YOU WILL UNDERSTAND THAT YOU ARE SIMPLY AN "AMERICAN IDIOT!" I HATE FUCKING POSEURS LIKE YOU. YOU SUCK, AND I THINK YOU ARE SIMPLY ONE OF THOSE NORMAL PEOPLE WHO CANNOT DEAL WITH PEOPLE WHO ARE UNIQUE AND DIFFERENT. YOU ASSHOLE!!!!!! DOUGLAS ADAMS WAS A GENIUS AND NOT A GEEK. AND EVEN IF HE WAS A GEEK, WHAT'S IT TO YOU???? DO YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH GEEKS??? BECAUSE GUESS WHAT??? I'M A HORMONAL 15-YEAR-OLD GIRL WHO IS NO GEEK, BUT A SMART, SEMI-POPULAR, A-STUDENT WHO ABSOLUTELY AND POSTIVELY IS ENAMOURED WITH GEEKS. LOOK AT NAPOLEON DYNAMITE. YEA, YOU PROBABLY HATED THAT MOVIE TOO, BUT GUESS WHAT?! IT HAS BECOME A CULT CLASSIC ALREADY YOU STUPID FUCK.

That email was followed up exactly eight minutes later with this:

RE: je regrette.

i'm sorry if my last letter was rude. everyone is entitled to their own opinion. but i was just so effing mad when i saw your article that i was induced to writing some serious hate mail. Like i said, i'm just a hormonal 15-year-old girl and to let you in on a little info about me that you probably didn't want to know, I'm PMS'ing like seriously at the moment, so don't get offended by anything i said in the past e-mail. wow, i really feel stupid at the moment. *blush* try not to show this e-mail to anyone. this'll just be between me and you. yea...watch this same e-mail is printed everywhere on the internet the next day...i mean, you are a journalist, right? Well, if so...anything i've said in the past e-mail and this e-mail i do not wish to be made public and if you make it public....i shall sue you. i don't know how...but i will. i feeel sooooo stoooopid!!!!! and I would appreciate it if you did not show this to your friends, co-workers, or family. (or the world, or New York, or....anyone....). i have a reputation (small, though it is...) to keep.

And another eight minutes later…

RE: please...no blackmail!!!

I'm too young to be caught up in blackmail!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i hope you're not a computer hacker........'cause the worst you can do is just send some hate mail back to me, but...ya. if you're a hacker....well...i dunno. but i'm sorry for the hate mail, and just remember the "pms'ing" part of my mail. i'm so sorry i swore so much!!!!!!! i don't swear in real life, really!!!!! i was just so upset!!!!! oi vey.

On behalf of all of us here at Slant, we love you LAdyOfTheLake317, and we understand you. More than you could ever imagine. Until next time, I'm off to go save the world. From what, I'm not sure.

Alexa Camp
© slant magazine, 2005.

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